UnMerry Christmas

I am still unemployed. I can't stand the feeling that I cannot provide for my daughter like I should be able to. It cuts me to the deepest part of my soul. I can't do anything about it though... I have applied and reapplied to every job that I could possibly think of... yes, even McDonald's... no dice.

I guess this is just something that I am going to have to endure for a little while longer. I have no idea what to do at this point. Olivia will not be getting anything but a package of silly bands from me... this sucks.

Plenty of Worries

Ray

No More Singing Phone Number

I don't like change. I never have. I don't even like it when it's time to move the furniture around at holiday time. It almost unnerves me. Today, I was going to make a phone call and I was surprisingly routed to T-Mobile. They said that there was "high usage" on my account so they needed to speak with me. This came as a HUGE surprise to me. I didn't do anything that I didn't normally do this month... I just paid the bill... what in the world could be the problem?

I speak to someone and they tell me why my account has been suspended... wait, suspended? What the heck for? They tell me that all the international calls are adding up and I need to make a 25% payment for my phone (and the 4 other lines on the account) to be turned back on. ABORT MISSION!!! WHAT INTERNATIONAL CALLS? I was going to make a joke about the only international calls that I make are when I call the Medicaid office and I am outsourced... but I was in freak out mode... so I decided to leave that part out of it.

The customer service rep then explained the calls and the light bulb went off in my head... I had let someone use my phone to call someone in the army... WHO KNEW THEY WERE IN AFGHANISTAN??? So, he threw the total out there and my heart broke.

I have had my phone number for a long time... I like it... it's easy to remember... you can almost sing a song when reciting it... 352... 678.... 7874.... But that was about to change....

"Rachel, the total is $2900... but I can get that down to $2400 for you today." He might as well have said a million dollars. I am now trying to figure out what I am going to do. I have filled out soooo many applications for jobs and NOW THE NUMBER IS WRONG!!! I don't have a house phone...

Needless to say, I don't think I will ever let anyone touch my phone again... I guess I am going to have to go with AT&T but the problem is that WE JUST PAID THE CURRENT BILL!!! I COULD HAVE KEPT THE $269!!!

Moral of the story? I would rather move furniture every single day... than have this happen.

No Worries

Ray

Zero Comments

Well, I was keeping up with this journal at first. I was writing in it at least once a day. I looked forward to the comments that I got on a variety of topics. But, life got a little crazy. My internet got shut off for a bit because I didn't have the money to pay it... and then when I got connected again, I had college and job hunting to do... so, I neglected this poor page.

I started to notice though... because I got to vent some of the most personal thoughts that someone can have. It started to bother me... so, I tried my hand at it again. I started writing again. This time it was different. I posted my journal entry onto my facebook page and I would feverishly check the comment section... nope... nothing.

So, after a few entries went by like that-- I figured that no one was reading it. Then again, I also get a hit counter and was positive that no one was. How could I be so dumb? I finally found something that I enjoyed... I found something that made me feel like I was connected to more than the fat on my... well, my everywhere....

Moral of the story? When you find something that does well for you and you neglect it... don't expect it to work anymore.

No Worries

Ray

Melinda

Well, what can I say? I have no substantial words to express how I am feeling right now. Melinda died yesterday. She leaves behind a son, family, and countless friends. It is heartbreaking... I sat by my fire pit last night and all I could think is how she will never laugh again... she will never smile again... she will never do anything again.

I would write more but I can't come to terms with all this death lately.

No Worries

Ray

Moody with a Chance of Zits

You ever come across a person that is moody at all times of the day? Doesn't it make you want to run in the other direction? Or is that just me? The problem with the person that I am talking about is that it is my daughter. She is 8.. almost 9 years old. I see the little zit on her forehead and my blood pressure rises about 100 points or so. I see her getting more emotional than in the days past and I am just not sure what to do. She thinks that her opinion of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is relevant every single time I tell her to do something.

Don't mistake this as me saying my daughter is out of control... or just a bad kid.... that she is not. She is mostly respectful (yes sir... yes ma'am.) She still hugs and kisses me and tells me that she loves me everyday. This morning she knew that I wasn't feeling well so she got herself ready for school and only woke me up when it was time to go to the bus. She is an independent child. She is so loving and courteous.

It's just that in the past month or so, she has been a walking... TALKING... pain in my rear. I know, I sound pretty crazy... but this parenting thing is kicking my tail. My daughter, on the other hand, is acting like she wants me to kick HER tail.

No Worries

Ray

Hard Questions

I was driving with Olivia the other day and we had one of the strangest conversations that I have ever had with her. It wasn't silent by any means in the car... we were singing... I always love doing that with her. It seems to make all the problems disappear for a little bit at least. So, she asks me to turn the radio down and I oblige her. Then, that's when she asked the question... "Mommy, why are we here?"

Since I have decided to go on my own little journey of self/truth discovery... I haven't really spoken to her about God... or anything spiritual for that matter. I do not want what I believe or not believe to influence her decisions. I am an advocate for letting a child figure some things out by themselves.

Though Olivia is still attending church... she obviously is going to notice some changes in my behavior. But, in no way did I think that she would start asking these kinds of questions.

It was about a minute of silence... she was tapping her finger on the console of the car so I could perceive that she was waiting but was getting tired of doing so... I piped up and asked her what she thought. I asked her what her personal opinion was on the matter and she promptly replied, "Well mommy, if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn't be asking you."

I was going to try and explain... I was going to tell her all the "by-the-book" answers that I have been taught my whole life but I couldn't. I, instead, told her that I wasn't sure exactly. I was honest with her and told her that I am mommy but I do not have all the answers like she thinks that I do.

Ever since then, I have been plagued by the thoughts that I should have just given in and told her about all the things that I have been taught my whole life. I should have told her about Genesis... but, in order for me to be true to my journey... and in order for me to let her form her own opinions so that she doesn't end up like me at the age of 28... I just decided that maybe I did the right thing.

So, is there a moral to this story? I have no idea. There might be one at a later time but I am not too sure if there is one now. I feel a little overwhelmed at this point. I am not sure what is true versus what is false. I am not sure if there is going to be a day that I figure this whole thing out.

There are a couple of things that I DO know though... I love my baby, I want what is best for her, and I wish I knew the answers to her questions. If I did know them, then maybe I wouldn't be plagued with insomnia at this point.

No Worries

Ray

Giving The School The Finger

So, as many people already know, I gave birth to someone that has a very high IQ. Don't worry, I don't take credit for that. I am semi-intelligent when it comes to useless information... but after that, I am a regular ding dong!!

My Livy Lu scored 154 on the IQ test that they gave her last year. (She was 7.) This means that she has a higher IQ than 99.9% of all adults, at the tender age of 7. She is now 8- almost 9 (let's not remind me of this part.) Anyway, she was accepted into the gifted program with open arms. They promised the world to her. Eventually, I found out that the gifted school is funded per child... so, now I know it wasn't technically because they wanted to cultivate her intelligence.

She went into the gifted school last year. They got to take trips every week... they got to participate in studies... they got laptops... they had everything. This year, they received the same treatment in that respect. But, the requirements went through the roof!! She had to do a book report every week... (complete with 12-slide Power Point and clay diorama)... 50 vocabulary words a week (ex: contingency)... Just crazy!!! Recess was also taken away. They treat these kids like little lab rats!! The people in administration told me that they were given opportunities that no one else was provided. They were right... but what about play time? What about these kids only being 8 and 9 years old? They explained the recess problem like this.. "They might not have play time that way... but they get to study forensics now!!"

So, I took my little baby out of there. Those people told me how I was taking her future away... so, I turned and said, "I may be... but you will never be able to say that I took her present away." They had nothing to say to me then.

Moral of the story? Olivia will always be very intelligent. She will always be the apple of my eye. She will always make me smile when I feel like crying... and she will always know that her mommy is more concerned with who she is versus who she COULD be.

No Worries

Ray

My New Like

I was on Facebook this afternoon and got REALLY irritated. I saw one of those "like" statements. You know the kind... if you like the statement you click like and it will post to your profile?

Anyway, I saw one that said, "I do not regret anything... anything that I've done makes me who I am today." Yes, that would draw some type of applause if you were acting in some low budget chick flick... but this is not a movie. I clicked on it and it had THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND+ fans!! This is crazy!

I don't know of one person that should say this statement. Obviously, people are very happy with the way their lives' have turned out. The thing that gets to me is that people TRY and act a certain way (such as pretending that they don't want to change anything they have ever done)-- when they should be full of regret for those things. I think people should take responsibility for the atrocities that they have manufactured in their lives.

It takes a mature person to look at their own life, accept that they have done some REALLY stupid things, admit it, and then learn and change from those things.

I am going to make a new "like" on Facebook... click it if you would like. It will say, "I regret many of the stupid things I have done. P.S. That doesn't make me weak."

No Worries

Ray

P.S. Did I just refer to myself as mature? lol

Oops... I regret to inform you that sometimes I AM!!

Finding Nemo Is Easier Than Finding Me

I have been in a downward spiral. Has it ever happened to anyone besides myself? I am not out drinking or doing drugs or anything like that... I am just tired of living a life that doesn't seem like it's mine. I was taught many things as a child that just don't seem to match up anymore. The problem that this creates has created a hurricane in the forecast of my life. I was running hard after God... and then, BAM... something happened and incidentally caused my religious views to completely change. It is something that is hard for me to do-- as I have raised "christian".... so, when you truly decide that you have to search out more than just the things that you were taught-- it tears you apart.

There are a few people that know that I have changed to a more agnostic view... and they are very upset with me. It's hard to face them. It is difficult to know everything that I know and still turn my back. But, it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to find out for myself. I am tired of living a life based on knowledge in my mind... instead of an experience in my heart. They are two different things... and some people might be able to live this way... but, as for me, I cannot.

I will lose people in my life because of this. I will look around and be forsaken... it has already started. The same "Christians" that I spend hours praying with... and fellowshipping with... many of them are gone. I have been called a "worker of Satan"... I have been told "you are no better than people involved in Wicca"--- this is something that has hurt me. I never said that I don't believe God exists. I never said I want to go hug a tree and think that the sun and moon are going to save my soul. I never said that in my search for truth that I might be lead back to where I came from... I simply said I will not claim to be a christian and not live it. I will not say that I believe it all... when clearly I do not.

These people are wolves. It is a very uncomfortable place to be in... but it is where I am at. I wish I could lie and say all is well... but I cannot. I wasn't going to write any of this... I was going to try and be funny... tell a funny story... but, if you are reading this, you probably know that I am not too good at being fake.

Well, here goes nothing.... or everything.

No Worries

Ray

I Attend 8 Year Old Theology

After last week, this week should be easier. I had four friends of mine lose their life in one way or another. I still feel pretty wrecked about all the situations-- obviously. As I try and come to terms with last week's events, my daughter comes to my rescue again. She said something to me and now all I can do is wonder why in the world these things come out of her mouth.

We had a very long day. People came over for a birthday party. By people, I mean about 50 of our closest family and friends. It was crazy. But, it was a good time to just forget about all the death I had been dealing with. It was nice to celebrate life for a moment. So, Olivia had been in the pool for what seemed to be all day! I had her get ready for bed and then she sat next to me on the couch. Her little tan body was radiating heat as she dozed on and off for about 20 minutes. I finally told her it was time for bed and she asked if I would come lay with her. I obliged her happily.

The moment our heads hit the pillows, she got the idea that we should talk before we went to sleep. So, we turned to one another and just had mommy and daughter time. It was nice. Then, she decided she was going to have a deep conversation with me. I would love to be able to say that it was deep to her and easy for me... but, it wasn't.

Olivia: Mommy, I've been thinking...

Me: About what?

Olivia: Well, about fear and how people act.

Me: OK?

Olivia: Do you know that the people that SAY they aren't afraid of anything... and the people that ACT like they're not afraid of anything are ACTUALLY AFRAID OF EVERYTHING? They just use their words to make people believe a lie!

Me: Uhhhhhh...... Where's this coming from?

Olivia: I just see how you act sometimes. It's ok to be afraid Mommy. Jesus will protect you.

Me: Thanks Baby... time for bed.

So, without explaining anything else... she has had my mind all upside down since then. I mean, SHE'S 8!!! Why would she know that? Why would she understand any of that? And while I'm at it... WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND IT????

No Worries

Ray

Died Too Young

In high school, I worried about what everyone else worried about. I also worried about things that no one knew about. I had to battle my own demons. I had to figure out what I was going to do with my life and how I was going to accomplish it. A lot of these things are common among many teens... both past and present.

As I sit here in my computer chair... with the screen shining on my face... I hold back the tears in sorrow for a girl named Michelle. I was not her best friend. I was not the one that knew her deepest darkest secrets... But, what I do know is that someone like that should not die so young. I hurt inside and wonder what was so terrible... what brought her to a place of despair? Only God will ever know.

In a sea of things I don't know about this situation... something I DO know floats to the surface.... she was a vibrant young lady.... and she will be missed.

RIP Michelle Elsebough

No Worries

Ray

Test Taking

I have been so busy. My days have consisted of getting Olivia to and from school and then getting myself to and from school. When I have a day "off" from college, I have been trying to find a job and studying everything that I need to know for the many exams that seem to just keep coming.

I have managed to get myself into a huge hole. I guess what I really mean is that I feel like I am in a hole with all this stuff. I do not claim to be the smartest person or even intelligent at all, really. But, there are times that I know that I do not have to study things. I listen in class and deep down I know that I have successfully just learned the required material. Unfortunately, these classes are not the ones that happens in. I feel like I study all the time. I feel like I cram all kinds of definitions and information into my big head... and then the test gets placed in front of me and my chest tightens up.

The teenagers that are in the class with me seem to be able to take these tests pretty well. I think I am too old for this. I am trying to better my life... and at the same time I feel insanely intimidated. I am not intimidated by the people in my class... rather I am intimidated by the pressure that I am facing with every blank at the end of the question.

If I get 2 wrong... it could possibly ruin my quest to get into the RN program. If you haven't done it, you might not understand... but it is a hard program to get accepted into. I have to have A's. Well, I would write more... but I have to get back to my flashcards.

No Worries.

Ray

Side Note

Well, the start of college was one that I would love to forget. I walked into my Anatomy and Physiology class and immediately felt my blood pressure go up. *Side note: cramps*... Anyway, this class has 45 of the brightest minds in it... HA! I looked around and was surrounded by high school students that were so excited to be there. I sat down near the window so that I could have reception to update my Facebook before the class started. As I sat there, more people began to trickle in. They were talking so loud that I could hear them talking about the party that they attended the night before. All I could think is that I had been up since 4am working on my online class... followed by getting Olivia ready for school... then rushing to class myself. Who has time for that??

A grown woman walked in with her friend. They also looked like they were out partying all night... then again, they looked like they hadn't finished yet. The hair on these women would have kept my attention if I hadn't been distracted by her Tinkerbell book bag. (Which I would like to add that Olivia had the same one last year!!)

All in all... I felt more comfortable as I sat there for about 15 minutes. I looked at the people that I would be sharing this class with and though I do not think of myself as some scholar... I figured that if these jokers could do this... ANYONE, INCLUDING ME could.

The professor walked in very quietly. He looked like a professor. He introduced himself as Dr. Adams... "I'm actually a biologist." *Side note: cramps* As he began his mantra on all things college... I began to remember that I didn't take any Motrin before I left the house. I was thinking about Olivia and how she was doing on her first day. I thought about the stupid book bag... I thought about the Sociology class I was doing at 4am... and I was thinking about jumping out of the window that was so very close to me. WAKE UP RACHEL!! I hate when I do this. I can't stay focused. My mind began to race as I stared at "Dr. Adams"...

I know he thought that I was probably the most attentive student in there today... but I only caught every 4th word. "Blah blah blah study.... blah blah blah grades... blah blah blah difficult..."

Alright, so I will fast forward an hour and a half to the next class. I don't have to reintroduce anyone because I HAVE THE STINKIN' DOCTOR FOR THE LAB TOO!!! Honestly, I heard more in this class. He said dissecting a rat next week... and 300 terms by next week. *Side note: cramps* By this time, I thought my legs were going to fall off. Why?? DID YOU SEE MY SIDE NOTES??? Also, in the lab we have to sit on these metal bar stools that pull up to the lab tables. They do not promote anything other than bad posture and a sore butt. Due to my problems that were mounting during this class, I decided to leave. I left about 20 minutes early. We were having "study time" anyway. I can study on a soft, plush chair... AFTER I TAKE SOME MEDICINE!!! So, my brother came and got me. He's a good boy!! He even had some Motrin in hand!! YAY!!!

Needless to say, I studied all afternoon. I was soooo rankin' stankin' tired!! I don't know what is anterior or posterior to one another!! I don't know what is distal versus proximal!! What I do know is this... I hate EVE!! No where in the AP book did it talk about the pain that we, as women, must endure FOR NO REASON!!! So, sorry DOCTOR ADAMS if I don't care how close my thorax is to my posterior...

Hey, wait a minute.... I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

No Worries

Ray

Back to School

Olivia is starting the third grade tomorrow. I am excited that she loves to learn... but, I have to be honest and say that I hate when she comes home from school upset because of the mean kids. She has thick glasses because her vision is so bad-- so, the kids tend to be really rough on her. She is a very emotionally sensitive child. Sometimes I have to just lay with her and let her cry until she feels better... it infuriates me! Too bad I can't just go slap some kids!!

On a little different note, tomorrow I start back to college as well. I am a little nervous because I procrastinate everything... so, when someone like myself has a timeline that things HAVE to be done... I tend to flounder a bit. I guess I will have to use my time wisely.

I have taken some time off of writing in here because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say worth reading... but, then I figured out that I don't ever feel like I do... so, I sat down and just wrote this little addition.

No Worries

Ray

Long Time Coming

Last night, I did something that I haven't done, in what seems to be, forever. I went to an old friend's house. We talked about everything and nothing-- all at the same time. I guess when you haven't talked to someone in a long time-- the things that seem mundane to one, will seem like a good story to another. It was so strange.

I have been going through CRAZY emotions while Olivia is gone. I feel like I have no purpose without her being here. I've been walking around the house in some weird depression because of it. I feel like I have been wandering through this week. I have no one to make breakfast for... or check on for lunch. I actually went to a friend's house and didn't have to worry about if Olivia woke up and couldn't find me.

I'm writing this because I found that this is something that might just be a good thing for me. When one only finds purpose in one thing... I think it might just be possible to lose yourself in the other things that you were created for.

I got to speak in to other's lives and they got to speak into mine. It was a very encouraging time. I had a realllly good cup of coffee... some great laughs... wonderful fellowship.... wow, I should have left the confines of my room a long time ago!

No Worries

Ray

What Did I Do?

I thought it would be a good idea for my daughter to experience new things. I also thought it would be a good idea to let her have a vacation on her summer break. In light of these two things, I let her go to North Carolina without me. I know that she is being taken care of... I know that she is having a wonderful time... but, I'm not so sure mommy is ok. I am so very attached, like I should be, to my daughter. I feel like I have no purpose without her. I don't have anyone to take care of. There is also no one that wants anything from me. It is such a strange feeling. I am not so sure that this was the best idea. Waking up in the morning without my Livy is like waking up for no reason.

I want my baby back!!

No Worries

Ray

Better to Give...

I have had writer's block. I have plenty of things that happen on a daily basis, but it seems that lately, so many things are happening that I can't really put most of them into words. I've never experienced this before. I mean, look at what I am doing!! I am writing about not being able to write. THAT IS A PROBLEM!! Oh, something just popped in my head... and though I want this to flow and I SHOULD delete this section... I just spent a whopping 35 seconds on it... so, I'm leaving it!

I had someone call me and tell me that they needed me to fix their computer. So, I decided that I was going to do it. See, there was a catch. I know that this family is having a hard financial time right now. That tells me that I am not going to charge anything except for what it will cost me to pick the computer up and drop it back off when I am done. So, we agreed on $20. It covered the gas in the car that I had to borrow in order to go over there. This was a really aggravating computer job. I am not saying that because of the circumstances... this computer was just a pain in the butt! The CD-ROM didn't work... so, reformatting was a task. I had to take a couple other computers apart so that I could have one that worked and a cable long enough to hook it up. Then, I had to put the hard drive back in her computer and then update all of the Windows files (because it was now starting from scratch.)

Needless to say, this took about 6 1/2 hours because of all the things that had to go into it. The strange thing is this; I actually enjoyed it! I didn't enjoy the time consumption. I didn't enjoy when the computer would not respond to my commands... but, going to drop the computer off was wonderful. The look on individual's faces is the best when you give them something that they really want.

Moral of the story?? Help other's every time you get the chance... the reward will always be yours.

No Worries

Ray

God Loves Fags

I have many questions floating around in my head. There is one that pops up more than the others though... it is this: Why do people that claim to be "Christian", want to point fingers at other's faults and failures, rather than point at Christ and His saving Grace? A friend on Facebook wrote a little about this recently and it only confirmed that I am not the only one that thinks that this, not only wrong, but unacceptable. When was the last person converted to Christianity by making them feel like dirt? I would like the chapter and verse that would tell the "Christian" to do so.

Though I understand that every Christian is commissioned to preach the gospel... and though many Christians are taught to not tolerate sin-- when has it become the acceptable practice to beat people down with the pointer finger?

Jeremiah loved his people. He loved Judah. But, he loved God more. God told him to say some things that were going to be taken very harshly... but, it didn't stop him from saying them. The difference between him and "Christians" of today is the heart behind what is being said.

Am I the only person that thinks the people on the side of the road that have signs that say "God Hates Fags", are completely ridiculous? Hate the sin... love the sinner. Why is it that we are willing to hate other's sins more than we hate our own? Just because someone is pointing a finger doesn't mean that it puts some invisibility cloak on... so that no one will see theirs. But, it seems to me that these are the people that I keep meeting.

I wonder what would happen if I went on the side of the road and made a sign that said, "God LOVES Fags just like HE LOVES YOU!"..... I bet someone would throw something at me! And when I got up from the ground, I would probably see one of those cute Jesus fishies on the back of the offending car.

No Worries

Ray

Umbrella?

There is no way that I will recant. I will not say that God is not for me... I know that He is. But, just because that is true doesn't mean that it won't rain. Finances are something that can take it's toll on any human being... but, this time it is this human being. The transmission just blew out of the only car our family has. We were already cutting it very close with the regular bills... and now this. I am not saying that I haven't shed tears over this... that would be a lie. I am just trying to be level headed right now. I am trying to just look straight ahead and not get too frustrated. Ever since I had surgery, I haven't been able to find a job. Ugh....

It's like I am standing outside watching the clouds roll in. It rains on the just and the unjust, right? I just wish I could find my umbrella.

No Worries

Ray

No One Will Ever Know I Didn't Brush My Teeth!

My Livy Lu is a wonderful child. She is so very smart... she is the apple of my eye... she makes me laugh... she makes me love... and she ALWAYS listens to me. Ok, all those are true except for the last. Lately, she is going through this thing that requires her to IGNORE what I am saying. I tell her to do something and it's like before it gets to her ears-- it twists into the opposite. I rarely spank her... but, I am not saying that I won't. Today, I had to give her a spanking. It was so irritating to know that all she had to do was 3 little things and the whole situation could have been avoided. But would Livy listen?? Of course not... I give her everything that I can... you would think that she would be skipping around joyfully- just waiting to do EXACTLY what I say. But, since I am not in Heaven just yet... she has days like today.

I know that she is intelligent enough to comprehend what I am telling her to do. I know that she has the life skills to follow through on the small tasks I put before her.

Example:

Me: "Olivia, put your shoes on. Brush your teeth and brush your hair."

Olivia: "Yes ma'am."

Me: *thinking that she listened*

I find about 15 minutes later that Livy Lu is on the computer with the SAME crazy bed-head hair and no shoes on.

Me: "Why do you ignore what I tell you? No shoes... No hair brushed... did you brush your teeth?"

Olivia: "I'll go brush my hair now. I couldn't find my shoes... and I am chewing minty gum right now so no one will know I didn't brush them."

DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH??? I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia.

No Worries

Ray

With You.... Or Without You

I have been faced with something that I am not sure what to do with. Usually, I try and have something to say or at least an opinion on various subjects... but this one hit a little too close to home for me to be able to figure out what I think. So, I am just going to think through it in public... let's see how this goes.

I have a friend that I have known for years. This person has been through so many things with me. She has seen the worst side of me in many different ways. She has seen addiction at it's worst in me and stuck with me. She saw me battle alcohol for many years.. she was always there. She never judged me. She just kept believing that one day I would clean up and become an upstanding individual.

I am not saying that I have everything together... but, I am a very different person than I was then. I am not the best Christian that you will ever meet. I say things that I shouldn't. I think wrong... I am rude sometimes.... I have no tact... I sin... I screw up... but, one thing I can say is that I don't care if I fall 5000 times in a day, I will go to God and ask for forgiveness. I am not ashamed to ask Him for anything. I am also not ashamed to go onto this forum or any other (such as Facebook) and write about God if I so choose. Here is where the problem is....

She told me that if I talk about God, I'm getting deleted from her friend page. I don't really care either way if someone deletes me off of anything... no one can blot my name out of the only book I care about! The thing that is bothering me is that I was a TERRIBLE person... and she stuck with me. But, now that I want to live as a Christian-- that seems to be just TOO terrible?

I'm not going to die when people say that they don't want to be my friend anymore... I'm not 6. But, I do wonder why people will be tolerant of all kinds of things but just whisper the name of Jesus and people really get offended. Again, I don't care if an offense comes... I'm not going to stand in the corner and whisper just to make someone happy... or comfortable. I am just kinda hurt that someone that was a part of my life for so long would show their true colors and throw me out because of a decision to follow Christ.

No Worries

Ray

It's Just Not Right....

This post will be one that is waaayyyyy easier to swallow compared to my last few. Although I would love to write about God in every post... it's not going to happen right now. Why, you ask? Because I think it's rude for people to ask you to vote for "cute" kids online and then when I click on it... well, I thought it was the hideous baby contest! They put cross-eyed children in high-priced clothes and thought that it would help?

Yes, I know that this will most defiantly not come across well... but, I am just so taken back right now. The thing is that the person that put their relative on there was actually cute. She was a little chubby baby with great cheeks!! But, I scrolled through the rest of the pictures and wondered if the parent really believes that the child is beautiful. Every stinkin' picture I saw was just... WOW.

So, moral of the story?? Be honest with yourself. If you have a kid that needs assistance with their "look"... HELP THEM!!! Don't let them believe that they are the best thing since sliced bread... I mean, that's how Jack Black got to be so... well, he's funny but not a handsome man.

No Worries

Ray

You Won't Relent

"You won't relent until you have it all... my heart is Yours."

This is a song originally done by Misty Edwards... but then more recently done by Kim Walker and Jesus Culture. I have had this song on repeat for probably 8 days now. It is the song that plays on my playlist on the bottom of my blog (if you haven't heard it already.)

I keep thinking that God is nuts! What I mean when I say that is that He loves me. There is no reason for Him to. I can't give Him anything that He doesn't already have.... except my heart. So, then I wonder what is so special about that? I know my faults and failures... and there are things about myself that I find disgusting... the way I think about things... the pride... the anger.... there's so many things that are repulsive to me. So, why would a perfect God want a heart like mine? I wish I had all the answers on this subject-- but, I don't.

This post is to just to be transparent and honest... a perfect God shouldn't want any part of me... but He runs after me anyway. He won't relent.... I'm glad He doesn't.... but, it still makes me think.

No Worries

Ray

Just Because The Door Is Open.....

I was on the phone today on the patio out back next to the pool. I looked over at two birds that flew in the open door. It was actually sad. They would be flying full force in a frantic way to try and escape. They would be flying to what seemed to be the way out, yet they would quickly realize that there was a barrier there. Of course, they didn't see the screen... so, they just kept hurting themselves. One actually hit the screen so hard that it bounced back and fell in the pool. I tried to help them but they just kept walking/flying away from me. I went inside and asked for help to get them out... but only Olivia was inside. So, I had her come outside and talked to her for a brief moment about decision making.

See, I always tell Olivia that every decision that she makes will effect another part of her life. This was a perfect opportunity for me to show her what I meant. I was able to show her that the birds flew into an open door and got stuck. The more I thought about it, the more real it became. I looked at those birds like they were idiots-- but then I realized that we are the same way! I looked at the birds and thought, "why don't they just go back out of the place that they just flew into?" But, if you would look beyond the physical circumstance, you will see that we do the exact same thing. We, as humans, walk through doors (different situations) just because they are easy to get into. Then, when we figure out that we don't want to be in that situation anymore... only then, do we figure out that we are stuck. I would bet that if the pool area looked like a trap, they wouldn't have come in. From their vantage point, it would seem like there were plenty of ways out of there. But, they didn't look closely enough. They didn't see the barriers that would hold them captive.

Personally, I have done this many times. I have walked into situations with my eyes wide open- only to find out later that I got trapped in a situation. I wanted to be able to tell the birds to retrace their flight and leave that way... but, instead, I had to take a shirt and throw it on them to weigh them down so they couldn't fly away into another screen. Then, I had to pick it up and release it back out of the door. This part of the situation with the birds reminded me of how hard it is to retrace your steps back to the path you are supposed to be on. Sometimes when one is faced with having to get away from the captivity that they find themselves in-- it is a difficult task to get back to where you are supposed to be.

I wrote all of this to warn myself and others that just because a door is open, doesn't always mean that we are supposed to walk in. If we looked a little closer before throwing ourselves into a situation, we would see that there are barriers that will prevent us from getting out. There will then be a process that we have to go through in order to get out of the situation. (And more times than not, the process will not be a fun adventure.) So, just be careful... and know that I am also telling myself to be careful. I happen to be a very impulsive person that doesn't always think things through... so, I've been stuck MANY times.

You wanna get out? I can only tell you where to start... Psalms 121.

No Worries

Ray

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.

The Psalms

121

The LORD Is Thy Keeper
A Song of degrees.
1	I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2	My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
3	He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4	Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5	The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6	The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
7	The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8	The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Angelo and Paula Musicaro

So, there he is. Pastor Angelo Musicaro (of Oasis Christian Fellowship) in a casket. He decided this was a good way to get people to think about what really counts... and as the Facebook comments will show: He did exactly that. Usually, I try and write about myself... but this time, I am going to write about him and his wife.

This is a guy that won't quit on people. He doesn't throw people away. How do I know? Because he never threw me away! His wife, Paula, and him are such incredible people. I normally am not one to brag on other's... probably because I am not a fan of blowing smoke, ya know? But, in this case, I have no smoke to blow! They both make an impact of lives everyday and expect nothing back. They both just want people to be OK and want them to go on with God.

They have counseled with me countless times... at the church, at their house, on the phone, and through the Internet. They don't care what time it is... (well, I think they do a little because they need sleep too!!)... but they are there to help no matter when... even IF their tired.

I know that Angelo gets a lot of praise from many individuals... and he deserves every bit of it. The person that I see that should openly get insane amounts of praise is his wife, Paula. I speak with her far more than Angelo. When he is unavailable- she'll talk to me and just be encouraging. We can laugh and joke... or cry and pray. It doesn't matter to her if I'm confessing my faults, if I am smokin' mad at something, or if I just want to laugh a bit at crazy things that I saw that day. They don't ever judge the package... they are only worried about the contents of the package.

So, this is my "scratch-the-surface" tribute to them. I could write all day about them... but, that's not something that they would want. They are some of the most caring individuals I know... and I am privileged to call them my Pastors... and my friends.

No Worries

Ray

Pennies? Or Dimes?

I feel old. My 10 year high school reunion for one of my high schools was this evening. I didn't go but just the thought that I was graduating the loooooong process of school TEN YEARS AGO is kinda getting to me. I thought that I would have this and that... I thought that things were going to be different than this when I was to this point of my life. I guess I should just be happy that I'm not dead and I am still breathing! But, in keeping with my blog title... I wonder when I am going to truly start living. This is not going to be a long blog.. just thought that I would write for just a moment before I go to bed.

Last question: Where does the time go? Yes, one second at a time!! So, why do I continue to waste so many? Is it like pennies? By that, I mean if you drop a penny, you may or may not pick it up-- depending on where it fell to. But, if you drop a dime-- you will crawl under the car for it! Am I doing that with my time? A second here... a second there.... "Ah, just leave it... it's no big deal"-- when in reality it's a year here... a year there. All I am saying is that I may need to climb under the car of life and get my time!

No Worries

Ray

Financial Woes

Olivia went over her grandma’s house last night. She is going school shopping today. Since my knee surgery, I haven’t been able to get a job. This is making things very difficult. Olivia says she understands that I don’t have ANY money… but, I don’t want her to have to understand that. I want her to look at me and know that anything she needs, I will be able to provide. But, at this time, she cannot look at me like this. There are times that I get very irritated about not getting any child support—but, then I have to become responsible for my action or inaction as well. I can’t point fingers at someone that isn’t providing because I’m not doing a good job either.

Money is such a strange thing. People use it to show how much they love someone… I am glad that Olivia will not learn that from me. So, I guess that is one of my saving graces in this instance. Livy knows that when I have money, she will always have what she needs and most of what she wants. It just tears me up that I have to send her to someone’s house so that she can get what she needs. I always make sure that no matter what; I will get her what she needs… even if I don’t have money. (No, that doesn’t mean I steal it or anything…) This time it was just difficult because I couldn’t get her shoes or socks. I couldn’t get her school clothes… I couldn’t even get her hair cut… she got it cut but someone else paid for it.

I always am bothered when my income isn’t enough—but, I want her to have everything I didn’t. She asked me if we could go on vacation like all the other kids. I thought to myself, “This kid is killing me.” She is aware that I don’t even have a car… how in the world are we going on vacation? I try and keep the tears out of my eyes when I call businesses and they tell me that they hired someone else… or that they decided they’re not going to be hiring at this time… but, without fail, I always seem to end up sobbing later.

There are things that I can make money doing… but, because of my choice to live for God—I can’t very well return to the vomit, ya know? UUUHHHHH…. I am sure many people have looked at their children and wished that they could give them the world—but, the world cost a lot! So, I am giving Olivia something that I can afford… though it cost a lot of sacrifice… rain or shine, she can have me. It’s not a lot… but it’s all I have to give.

No Worries

Ray

Grab Bag of My Thoughts....

Yeah, I know I already posted something today... and though I would love to act like everyone else and write once a day... that's just not happening today for me. So, please just hold on while I write again...

I was about to write about this issue I have on my mind, when Olivia came up to me with puckered lips. I gave her a kiss and then pretended I was going to bite her. She then got really close to my head and whispered, “You’re my mom. I know your tricks.” In that moment, I realized that we should view God that way. When things go bad, we shouldn’t start shaking an angry fist. We shouldn’t look perplexed. We should say, “You’re my dad… and I know what You are trying to do.”

I guess Newton’s Law would apply here as well. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I could also say that when things happen we can look into the enemy’s face and say, “You’re my enemy. I know your tricks.”

As I finalize my weirdly-timed post this afternoon, I am reminded that Olivia is 8 years old. She is the center of my world. But, she also inspires me to be so much better than what I thought my best even was! I thought before that if I quit drinking—that was my best. But, she has taught me that my best is when the desire to do right overshadows any desire to do otherwise.

I learned a long time ago that whatever I put in my mind is what I will think about. Whatever I think about is what I will end up talking about. The things that I talk about are what will dictate my actions and what I do… and what I do… is ultimately what I believe. Who knew that my thoughts were so powerful? My daughter has been a pivotal part of my very being… and go figure, HE sent her to me!!!

I feel the need to listen to Kim Walker’s- He Loves Us.

No Worries

Ray

Pulpit Pimps

I think I saw one too many pulpit-pimps on television. I am so irritated at these people. I mean, they have lavish EVERYTHING yet they are preaching to people that have NOTHING to send them more money. Listen, I have no problem with tithe... I have no problem with offering... what I DO have a problem with is the people that are supposed to be PRAYING for you are actually PREYING on you. Prosperity has been taken to another level! "Send me a sacrificial seed and God will bless you with" ______________. I even tried changing the channel and BAM- another one! They want us to buy some sand from Jerusalem... some water from the Dead Sea... some rock from a mountain in the middle east-- FOR WHAT??? God will bless those that are good stewards of their money... not to those that send all their hard-earned cash to these wolves.

Am I mad? YES! I am not saying that a preacher is not to get anything for the things that they do-- of course they should... but to "make a living" by selling the Word?? That's ridiculous! The worst part is that most of what they preach will NEVER help anyone! How in the world can anyone be helped by the preaching of the Word if they have "doctored" it so that the name of Jesus is replaced with theirs? "Go ahead, give me your best and see what God can do!" That was AN ACTUAL quote from ding-dong Murdock! So, let me get this straight... what you REALLY just said was, "I need your money but the blessing in which I have promised has to be taken care of by Almighty because all I REALLY have is money.... I have nothing else to offer you than empty promises."

I also get mad at the people that fall into this thinking. If they read their Word a little more, they would see and discern this type of junk. If it looks like a wolf... acts like a wolf... smells like a wolf... MUST be a man/woman of God?? C'mon- there is NO way that I am the only one that gets so irritated at this branded gospel.

I almost wrote that I was sorry that it's coming out this way-- but, then I feverishly tapped backspace because I AM NOT SORRY! See?? This has got me yelling! lol

Alright, can someone lend me a hand so I can step down from this soap box? My knees are still weak and this box is pretty tall.

No Worries

Ray

What Just Happened?

We all had a great time hanging out today. After everyone left, I remembered that I didn't exercise but I remembered to eat things I shouldn't-- so, it was time to exercise. While I was in the pool, I got some time to think. Livy Lu was inside on the computer (apparently trying to chat with people she doesn't know but I know them) and I had about a half hour of alone time. I thought about my day but the thing that stuck out is why I was exercising. Yes, my health... yes, my weight.... but, something else was in the forefront of my mind-- the outcome of if I stay faithful to doing this.

I guess this is a little profound to me because I find myself feeling like Paul (from the Bible) a lot. The things that I do not want to do-- I do. The things that I want to do-- I don't do. There is a part of me that would like to say, "SEE... even Paul is a screw up!!"-- but then, the other part of me begs to become disciplined. Yeah, I said it... disciplined! There is a part of me that is begging to be responsible... to be someone that God Himself can trust with anything.

I am the least likely to want any sort of discipline.... but I find myself WANTING it? It is such a different and strange feeling. The reason for this post is not to talk about my weight... it's not to discuss some deep meaning of life... it's not to even make fun of the fat lady that was wearing spandex shorts at the store yesterday... it's because I figured out that somewhere along the way-- I WANT the things that I have been against my entire life!

I would like to explain more-- but, as I understand it... I might write about it more. But, at this time, I am still perplexed myself! (What a surprise!)

No Worries

Ray

I WANNA STAY FAT!!

I just had my third knee surgery... so, I am still having some pretty severe pain. I am also embarking on a new journey called dieting. Some smart guy thinks that if I eat better and exercise I will lose weight... (personally, I think he was just hungry and wanted me to suffer too)... but, I decided that I might need to become more healthy as well. So, I listen to this guy called "the doctor" and started yesterday. I got in the pool with Olivia and broke a sweat. (Yes, if you move enough in the pool-- you CAN sweat... but, in my case, if I sit down too fast I sweat so... let's just act like I was doing a great job.) Last night, my knee paid for the decision to exercise. Then, today I got back into the pool and did it all over again... such a trooper I am, right?? I think I'd rather have a stroke at 45 than this kind of pain, but let's remember I am not the smart guy in this post!!

I got back into the pool AGAIN and tread water for about 25 minutes... I thought I was going drown! My legs felt like jelly (except for my throbbing knees, of course!) Olivia said, "Mommy. are you ok?" She swam over like she was a lifeguard! My 8 year old saved my life!

I finally left the pool area... I felt so defeated. I think that some of the reason I felt like this was because I had to get out... and if you are skinny, you will have no idea what it feels like to get out of the water and have the clothing that you are wearing suction to every part of your body that you would rather leave to the darkness. It actually makes a sound when you pull it from your body. I always feel like a huge Tupperware bowl when I get out of the pool!!

I know I did the right thing-- but, my knees were KILLING me! But, I had another pain... it was new... I didn't even know what to make of it at

first. I WAS STARVING!!! I counted calories and only ate 830 calories and 8 grams of fat. I think I burnt all those off and now was very upset because my stomach was very upset with me. I walked in and ate a salad. Now, I sit here and wonder if all of this garbage is worth it. I mean, skinny people don't have to do all this!!! They can eat 4 pizzas and watch tv for 3 weeks without moving and not gain a pound! I THINK about eating something healthy and IMMEDIATELY I begin to gain weight.

I won't quit-- but, this is going to be harder than I thought. AND I just want to eat something that doesn't taste horrific!

No Worries

Ray

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Well, good morning Vietnam! I am going to try and get this thing up and running. I am not in competition with anyone-- but, I see others that I know who have invested many hours in their blogs.. I would like to say that I aspire to have something that looks like that.. but, if I am honest, I will just have to say that I will probably be a writer of thoughts and opinions. I don't do too much other than take care of my Livy Lu.

I guess that is how I would and should start. Today is my birthday. I am now 28. I am not very happy about it because I feel like I haven't done anything too productive with my life. But, Livy overheard me saying something like that and she rushed out of the room and said, "Mommy- I'm productive!! YOU DID ME!!" I then realized that she was right. I mean, she's 8 years old... her IQ is 154... she mouths off more often than I would like to admit and SHE'S STILL ALIVE!!! So, there- I have accomplished 8 years worth of restraint!

Moving rather quickly over to my title of my blog... this is actually something that I am writing about in my spare time. Breathing vs. Living. We all walk around in these flesh bodies.. (some, like me, have more FLESH than others)... and we think that life is supposed to be like this. I would rather like to think that it is different! Breathing is something that is done without any help from us. Breathing is involuntary. I want to have a life that takes hard work... I want a life that is VOLUNTARILY lived. I don't want to just breathe and die. I want to live! I am not talking about the living that many post to their Facebooks'... "Live Like You Are Dying". Nope, not talking about that. (Which, by the way, someone should warn them that they are dying anyway... I thought we ALL learned that in school???) I am talking about living BECAUSE we are dying to our "self" everyday. It's such an interesting way to live. But, I promise, it's better than just breathing.

No Worries

Ray