Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Single, not ready to mingle

My daughter is constantly asking me when I will start dating again. Now, all of a sudden, I started getting emails from ChristianMingle. She said she has nothing to do with it but, I can only suspect that she is trying to send me a "not so subtle" hint.

I love this kid.
No Worries


Hurt.... what exactly is it? Is it expectations that weren't met? Is it the possibility that whatever you wanted.... whatever you needed will never be fulfilled?

I don't know exactly how to put my finger on it... I can't exactly describe what it is... I can't even find the words to convey why it won't go away... I just know that it sucks... and yes, generally speaking, it hurts.

No Worries

Identity Crisis

I'm taking psychology courses to get my bachelor's degree. I read tonight about the development of the identity of an individual and how that is formed. I read what factors play into that formation and I read about certain abnormalities that happen when certain circumstances happen at the times that the inner identity, the true identity, is being formed.

You know what I learned? I learned that I know I am a Christian. I know I am a mom. I know I am a sensitive person that tries to make people happy. I know that I live for the acceptance of others. I know that I long for my father to love me more than he actually does. But when the rubber meets the road, I am just a broken little girl who wants someone not to leave me just because things get hard or just because other people think that I'm the wrong decision for someone else.

I live in a house with 5 other people... and you know what I learned?
I have more of a clue about their identities than I do about my own.

No Worries

Friday, September 26, 2014

The Viewing

She looked like she was sleeping. My friend that was only 30, was lying there sleeping. This must be a hoax.... yeah, an elaborate hoax.

Her mom and dad hug me and I just couldn't contain my tears no matter how much I intended to be strong for them.

I know it wasn't my fault... but my intrusive thoughts keep saying "you could have done more..... you could have done more."

Pop pop... Ativan to save the day... I'm heartbroken.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


I know I have to get up from this place of despair. I know I have to continue living life. Right now, it is so hard knowing that my friend is gone. It is hard to know that less than 12 hours before her death, I was begging her to let me take her to the hospital. She was a stubborn girl though.

I need Jesus to bring peace to my mind. Although I am aware it is not my actual fault... there is always that hindsight is 20/20 thing that forces me to think that if I would have just not taken no go an answer, she would still be here... and her babies would still have a mommy.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Kristin Z

I told you I would take you to the hospital yesterday. I told you I didn't care about turning my paper in late. I told you...

You died this morning. I'm so devastated. I will miss you, friend... my stubborn friend.

Monday, September 22, 2014


Most of my life, I have dealt with some form of addiction problem. While I kicked the drug habit nearly a decade ago, I continued to struggle with alcohol far after the drug problem sailed into the distance.

Today, I have 23 months sober. I have been steadfast for almost 2 years and I am very proud of this accomplishment. The thing that hurts me is that all the people that complained and was at the other side of my drunk aggression, do not ever say a word about it on my "anniversary date."

I'm not asking for anyone to throw a party... but for someone to remember and acknowledge my progress would be nice.

No Worries

***UPDATE*** It is now the 23rd... and just as every other month, no one said a word, sent a text, or gave a hug. This hurts my heart.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Kiss It Goodbye

I've always been the outgoing comic of the group. Nearly a thousand Facebook "friends" prove that I always have people close enough for me to talk to and express myself to, right?
Wrong... so, very... very wrong.

My best friend has been distant for many years after she had something go wrong in her life. It changed the very core of who she was. I'm not saying she's bad or anything, but pain changes people. You know?

In the same way that I just explained her, I would love for someone to understand that very fact about me too. I can't very well ask anyone to understand that though... I can barely get anyone to talk to me in real life... not virtual/social media life.... REAL LIFE.

I wonder how many years I can carry on this charade. I wonder if it is grossly apparent that I suffer from being chronically homeless when it comes to  heart matters.

I'm going to school to be a psychologist. I guess I should kiss my chance for anyone to listen to my problems or concerns or fears goodbye now.

No Worries