Saturday, July 31, 2010

It's Just Not Right....

This post will be one that is waaayyyyy easier to swallow compared to my last few. Although I would love to write about God in every post... it's not going to happen right now. Why, you ask? Because I think it's rude for people to ask you to vote for "cute" kids online and then when I click on it... well, I thought it was the hideous baby contest! They put cross-eyed children in high-priced clothes and thought that it would help?
Yes, I know that this will most defiantly not come across well... but, I am just so taken back right now. The thing is that the person that put their relative on there was actually cute. She was a little chubby baby with great cheeks!! But, I scrolled through the rest of the pictures and wondered if the parent really believes that the child is beautiful. Every stinkin' picture I saw was just... WOW.
So, moral of the story?? Be honest with yourself. If you have a kid that needs assistance with their "look"... HELP THEM!!! Don't let them believe that they are the best thing since sliced bread... I mean, that's how Jack Black got to be so... well, he's funny but not a handsome man.
No Worries

Friday, July 30, 2010

You Won't Relent

"You won't relent until you have it all... my heart is Yours."
This is a song originally done by Misty Edwards... but then more recently done by Kim Walker and Jesus Culture. I have had this song on repeat for probably 8 days now. It is the song that plays on my playlist on the bottom of my blog (if you haven't heard it already.)
I keep thinking that God is nuts! What I mean when I say that is that He loves me. There is no reason for Him to. I can't give Him anything that He doesn't already have.... except my heart. So, then I wonder what is so special about that? I know my faults and failures... and there are things about myself that I find disgusting... the way I think about things... the pride... the anger.... there's so many things that are repulsive to me. So, why would a perfect God want a heart like mine? I wish I had all the answers on this subject-- but, I don't.
This post is to just to be transparent and honest... a perfect God shouldn't want any part of me... but He runs after me anyway. He won't relent.... I'm glad He doesn't.... but, it still makes me think.
No Worries

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Just Because The Door Is Open.....

I was on the phone today on the patio out back next to the pool. I looked over at two birds that flew in the open door. It was actually sad. They would be flying full force in a frantic way to try and escape. They would be flying to what seemed to be the way out, yet they would quickly realize that there was a barrier there. Of course, they didn't see the screen... so, they just kept hurting themselves. One actually hit the screen so hard that it bounced back and fell in the pool. I tried to help them but they just kept walking/flying away from me. I went inside and asked for help to get them out... but only Olivia was inside. So, I had her come outside and talked to her for a brief moment about decision making.
See, I always tell Olivia that every decision that she makes will effect another part of her life. This was a perfect opportunity for me to show her what I meant. I was able to show her that the birds flew into an open door and got stuck. The more I thought about it, the more real it became. I looked at those birds like they were idiots-- but then I realized that we are the same way! I looked at the birds and thought, "why don't they just go back out of the place that they just flew into?" But, if you would look beyond the physical circumstance, you will see that we do the exact same thing. We, as humans, walk through doors (different situations) just because they are easy to get into. Then, when we figure out that we don't want to be in that situation anymore... only then, do we figure out that we are stuck. I would bet that if the pool area looked like a trap, they wouldn't have come in. From their vantage point, it would seem like there were plenty of ways out of there. But, they didn't look closely enough. They didn't see the barriers that would hold them captive.
Personally, I have done this many times. I have walked into situations with my eyes wide open- only to find out later that I got trapped in a situation. I wanted to be able to tell the birds to retrace their flight and leave that way... but, instead, I had to take a shirt and throw it on them to weigh them down so they couldn't fly away into another screen. Then, I had to pick it up and release it back out of the door. This part of the situation with the birds reminded me of how hard it is to retrace your steps back to the path you are supposed to be on. Sometimes when one is faced with having to get away from the captivity that they find themselves in-- it is a difficult task to get back to where you are supposed to be.
I wrote all of this to warn myself and others that just because a door is open, doesn't always mean that we are supposed to walk in. If we looked a little closer before throwing ourselves into a situation, we would see that there are barriers that will prevent us from getting out. There will then be a process that we have to go through in order to get out of the situation. (And more times than not, the process will not be a fun adventure.) So, just be careful... and know that I am also telling myself to be careful. I happen to be a very impulsive person that doesn't always think things through... so, I've been stuck MANY times.
You wanna get out? I can only tell you where to start... Psalms 121.
No Worries

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.
The Psalms

The LORD Is Thy Keeper
A Song of degrees.

1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,
from whence cometh my help.
2 My help cometh from the LORD,
which made heaven and earth.
3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved:
he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel
shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is thy keeper:
the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6 The sun shall not smite thee by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil:
he shall preserve thy soul.
8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in
from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Angelo and Paula Musicaro

So, there he is. Pastor Angelo Musicaro (of Oasis Christian Fellowship) in a casket. He decided this was a good way to get people to think about what really counts... and as the Facebook comments will show: He did exactly that. Usually, I try and write about myself... but this time, I am going to write about him and his wife.

This is a guy that won't quit on people. He doesn't throw people away. How do I know? Because he never threw me away! His wife, Paula, and him are such incredible people. I normally am not one to brag on other's... probably because I am not a fan of blowing smoke, ya know? But, in this case, I have no smoke to blow! They both make an impact of lives everyday and expect nothing back. They both just want people to be OK and want them to go on with God.
They have counseled with me countless times... at the church, at their house, on the phone, and through the Internet. They don't care what time it is... (well, I think they do a little because they need sleep too!!)... but they are there to help no matter when... even IF their tired.
I know that Angelo gets a lot of praise from many individuals... and he deserves every bit of it. The person that I see that should openly get insane amounts of praise is his wife, Paula. I speak with her far more than Angelo. When he is unavailable- she'll talk to me and just be encouraging. We can laugh and joke... or cry and pray. It doesn't matter to her if I'm confessing my faults, if I am smokin' mad at something, or if I just want to laugh a bit at crazy things that I saw that day. They don't ever judge the package... they are only worried about the contents of the package.
So, this is my "scratch-the-surface" tribute to them. I could write all day about them... but, that's not something that they would want. They are some of the most caring individuals I know... and I am privileged to call them my Pastors... and my friends.
No Worries

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Pennies? Or Dimes?

I feel old. My 10 year high school reunion for one of my high schools was this evening. I didn't go but just the thought that I was graduating the loooooong process of school TEN YEARS AGO is kinda getting to me. I thought that I would have this and that... I thought that things were going to be different than this when I was to this point of my life. I guess I should just be happy that I'm not dead and I am still breathing! But, in keeping with my blog title... I wonder when I am going to truly start living. This is not going to be a long blog.. just thought that I would write for just a moment before I go to bed.
Last question: Where does the time go? Yes, one second at a time!! So, why do I continue to waste so many? Is it like pennies? By that, I mean if you drop a penny, you may or may not pick it up-- depending on where it fell to. But, if you drop a dime-- you will crawl under the car for it! Am I doing that with my time? A second here... a second there.... "Ah, just leave it... it's no big deal"-- when in reality it's a year here... a year there. All I am saying is that I may need to climb under the car of life and get my time!
No Worries

Financial Woes

Olivia went over her grandma’s house last night. She is going school shopping today. Since my knee surgery, I haven’t been able to get a job. This is making things very difficult. Olivia says she understands that I don’t have ANY money… but, I don’t want her to have to understand that. I want her to look at me and know that anything she needs, I will be able to provide. But, at this time, she cannot look at me like this. There are times that I get very irritated about not getting any child support—but, then I have to become responsible for my action or inaction as well. I can’t point fingers at someone that isn’t providing because I’m not doing a good job either.

Money is such a strange thing. People use it to show how much they love someone… I am glad that Olivia will not learn that from me. So, I guess that is one of my saving graces in this instance. Livy knows that when I have money, she will always have what she needs and most of what she wants. It just tears me up that I have to send her to someone’s house so that she can get what she needs. I always make sure that no matter what; I will get her what she needs… even if I don’t have money. (No, that doesn’t mean I steal it or anything…) This time it was just difficult because I couldn’t get her shoes or socks. I couldn’t get her school clothes… I couldn’t even get her hair cut… she got it cut but someone else paid for it.

I always am bothered when my income isn’t enough—but, I want her to have everything I didn’t. She asked me if we could go on vacation like all the other kids. I thought to myself, “This kid is killing me.” She is aware that I don’t even have a car… how in the world are we going on vacation? I try and keep the tears out of my eyes when I call businesses and they tell me that they hired someone else… or that they decided they’re not going to be hiring at this time… but, without fail, I always seem to end up sobbing later.

There are things that I can make money doing… but, because of my choice to live for God—I can’t very well return to the vomit, ya know? UUUHHHHH…. I am sure many people have looked at their children and wished that they could give them the world—but, the world cost a lot! So, I am giving Olivia something that I can afford… though it cost a lot of sacrifice… rain or shine, she can have me. It’s not a lot… but it’s all I have to give.

No Worries


Friday, July 23, 2010

Grab Bag of My Thoughts....

Yeah, I know I already posted something today... and though I would love to act like everyone else and write once a day... that's just not happening today for me. So, please just hold on while I write again...

I was about to write about this issue I have on my mind, when Olivia came up to me with puckered lips. I gave her a kiss and then pretended I was going to bite her. She then got really close to my head and whispered, “You’re my mom. I know your tricks.” In that moment, I realized that we should view God that way. When things go bad, we shouldn’t start shaking an angry fist. We shouldn’t look perplexed. We should say, “You’re my dad… and I know what You are trying to do.”

I guess Newton’s Law would apply here as well. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I could also say that when things happen we can look into the enemy’s face and say, “You’re my enemy. I know your tricks.”

As I finalize my weirdly-timed post this afternoon, I am reminded that Olivia is 8 years old. She is the center of my world. But, she also inspires me to be so much better than what I thought my best even was! I thought before that if I quit drinking—that was my best. But, she has taught me that my best is when the desire to do right overshadows any desire to do otherwise.

I learned a long time ago that whatever I put in my mind is what I will think about. Whatever I think about is what I will end up talking about. The things that I talk about are what will dictate my actions and what I do… and what I do… is ultimately what I believe. Who knew that my thoughts were so powerful? My daughter has been a pivotal part of my very being… and go figure, HE sent her to me!!!

I feel the need to listen to Kim Walker’s- He Loves Us.

No Worries


Pulpit Pimps

I think I saw one too many pulpit-pimps on television. I am so irritated at these people. I mean, they have lavish EVERYTHING yet they are preaching to people that have NOTHING to send them more money. Listen, I have no problem with tithe... I have no problem with offering... what I DO have a problem with is the people that are supposed to be PRAYING for you are actually PREYING on you. Prosperity has been taken to another level! "Send me a sacrificial seed and God will bless you with" ______________. I even tried changing the channel and BAM- another one! They want us to buy some sand from Jerusalem... some water from the Dead Sea... some rock from a mountain in the middle east-- FOR WHAT??? God will bless those that are good stewards of their money... not to those that send all their hard-earned cash to these wolves.
Am I mad? YES! I am not saying that a preacher is not to get anything for the things that they do-- of course they should... but to "make a living" by selling the Word?? That's ridiculous! The worst part is that most of what they preach will NEVER help anyone! How in the world can anyone be helped by the preaching of the Word if they have "doctored" it so that the name of Jesus is replaced with theirs? "Go ahead, give me your best and see what God can do!" That was AN ACTUAL quote from ding-dong Murdock! So, let me get this straight... what you REALLY just said was, "I need your money but the blessing in which I have promised has to be taken care of by Almighty because all I REALLY have is money.... I have nothing else to offer you than empty promises."
I also get mad at the people that fall into this thinking. If they read their Word a little more, they would see and discern this type of junk. If it looks like a wolf... acts like a wolf... smells like a wolf... MUST be a man/woman of God?? C'mon- there is NO way that I am the only one that gets so irritated at this branded gospel.
I almost wrote that I was sorry that it's coming out this way-- but, then I feverishly tapped backspace because I AM NOT SORRY! See?? This has got me yelling! lol
Alright, can someone lend me a hand so I can step down from this soap box? My knees are still weak and this box is pretty tall.

No Worries

Thursday, July 22, 2010

What Just Happened?

We all had a great time hanging out today. After everyone left, I remembered that I didn't exercise but I remembered to eat things I shouldn't-- so, it was time to exercise. While I was in the pool, I got some time to think. Livy Lu was inside on the computer (apparently trying to chat with people she doesn't know but I know them) and I had about a half hour of alone time. I thought about my day but the thing that stuck out is why I was exercising. Yes, my health... yes, my weight.... but, something else was in the forefront of my mind-- the outcome of if I stay faithful to doing this.
I guess this is a little profound to me because I find myself feeling like Paul (from the Bible) a lot. The things that I do not want to do-- I do. The things that I want to do-- I don't do. There is a part of me that would like to say, "SEE... even Paul is a screw up!!"-- but then, the other part of me begs to become disciplined. Yeah, I said it... disciplined! There is a part of me that is begging to be responsible... to be someone that God Himself can trust with anything.
I am the least likely to want any sort of discipline.... but I find myself WANTING it? It is such a different and strange feeling. The reason for this post is not to talk about my weight... it's not to discuss some deep meaning of life... it's not to even make fun of the fat lady that was wearing spandex shorts at the store yesterday... it's because I figured out that somewhere along the way-- I WANT the things that I have been against my entire life!
I would like to explain more-- but, as I understand it... I might write about it more. But, at this time, I am still perplexed myself! (What a surprise!)

No Worries

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I just had my third knee surgery... so, I am still having some pretty severe pain. I am also embarking on a new journey called dieting. Some smart guy thinks that if I eat better and exercise I will lose weight... (personally, I think he was just hungry and wanted me to suffer too)... but, I decided that I might need to become more healthy as well. So, I listen to this guy called "the doctor" and started yesterday. I got in the pool with Olivia and broke a sweat. (Yes, if you move enough in the pool-- you CAN sweat... but, in my case, if I sit down too fast I sweat so... let's just act like I was doing a great job.) Last night, my knee paid for the decision to exercise. Then, today I got back into the pool and did it all over again... such a trooper I am, right?? I think I'd rather have a stroke at 45 than this kind of pain, but let's remember I am not the smart guy in this post!!

I got back into the pool AGAIN and tread water for about 25 minutes... I thought I was going drown! My legs felt like jelly (except for my throbbing knees, of course!) Olivia said, "Mommy. are you ok?" She swam over like she was a lifeguard! My 8 year old saved my life!

I finally left the pool area... I felt so defeated. I think that some of the reason I felt like this was because I had to get out... and if you are skinny, you will have no idea what it feels like to get out of the water and have the clothing that you are wearing suction to every part of your body that you would rather leave to the darkness. It actually makes a sound when you pull it from your body. I always feel like a huge Tupperware bowl when I get out of the pool!!

I know I did the right thing-- but, my knees were KILLING me! But, I had another pain... it was new... I didn't even know what to make of it at

first. I WAS STARVING!!! I counted calories and only ate 830 calories and 8 grams of fat. I think I burnt all those off and now was very upset because my stomach was very upset with me. I walked in and ate a salad. Now, I sit here and wonder if all of this garbage is worth it. I mean, skinny people don't have to do all this!!! They can eat 4 pizzas and watch tv for 3 weeks without moving and not gain a pound! I THINK about eating something healthy and IMMEDIATELY I begin to gain weight.

I won't quit-- but, this is going to be harder than I thought. AND I just want to eat something that doesn't taste horrific!

No Worries


Monday, July 19, 2010


Well, good morning Vietnam! I am going to try and get this thing up and running. I am not in competition with anyone-- but, I see others that I know who have invested many hours in their blogs.. I would like to say that I aspire to have something that looks like that.. but, if I am honest, I will just have to say that I will probably be a writer of thoughts and opinions. I don't do too much other than take care of my Livy Lu.

I guess that is how I would and should start. Today is my birthday. I am now 28. I am not very happy about it because I feel like I haven't done anything too productive with my life. But, Livy overheard me saying something like that and she rushed out of the room and said, "Mommy- I'm productive!! YOU DID ME!!" I then realized that she was right. I mean, she's 8 years old... her IQ is 154... she mouths off more often than I would like to admit and SHE'S STILL ALIVE!!! So, there- I have accomplished 8 years worth of restraint!

Moving rather quickly over to my title of my blog... this is actually something that I am writing about in my spare time. Breathing vs. Living. We all walk around in these flesh bodies.. (some, like me, have more FLESH than others)... and we think that life is supposed to be like this. I would rather like to think that it is different! Breathing is something that is done without any help from us. Breathing is involuntary. I want to have a life that takes hard work... I want a life that is VOLUNTARILY lived. I don't want to just breathe and die. I want to live! I am not talking about the living that many post to their Facebooks'... "Live Like You Are Dying". Nope, not talking about that. (Which, by the way, someone should warn them that they are dying anyway... I thought we ALL learned that in school???) I am talking about living BECAUSE we are dying to our "self" everyday. It's such an interesting way to live. But, I promise, it's better than just breathing.

No Worries