Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
|The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.|
The LORD Is Thy Keeper
|1||I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,|
|2||My help cometh from the LORD,|
|3||He will not suffer thy foot to be moved:|
|4||Behold, he that keepeth Israel|
|5||The LORD is thy keeper:|
|6||The sun shall not smite thee by day,|
|7||The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil:|
|8||The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in|
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Olivia went over her grandma’s house last night. She is going school shopping today. Since my knee surgery, I haven’t been able to get a job. This is making things very difficult. Olivia says she understands that I don’t have ANY money… but, I don’t want her to have to understand that. I want her to look at me and know that anything she needs, I will be able to provide. But, at this time, she cannot look at me like this. There are times that I get very irritated about not getting any child support—but, then I have to become responsible for my action or inaction as well. I can’t point fingers at someone that isn’t providing because I’m not doing a good job either.
Money is such a strange thing. People use it to show how much they love someone… I am glad that Olivia will not learn that from me. So, I guess that is one of my saving graces in this instance. Livy knows that when I have money, she will always have what she needs and most of what she wants. It just tears me up that I have to send her to someone’s house so that she can get what she needs. I always make sure that no matter what; I will get her what she needs… even if I don’t have money. (No, that doesn’t mean I steal it or anything…) This time it was just difficult because I couldn’t get her shoes or socks. I couldn’t get her school clothes… I couldn’t even get her hair cut… she got it cut but someone else paid for it.
I always am bothered when my income isn’t enough—but, I want her to have everything I didn’t. She asked me if we could go on vacation like all the other kids. I thought to myself, “This kid is killing me.” She is aware that I don’t even have a car… how in the world are we going on vacation? I try and keep the tears out of my eyes when I call businesses and they tell me that they hired someone else… or that they decided they’re not going to be hiring at this time… but, without fail, I always seem to end up sobbing later.
There are things that I can make money doing… but, because of my choice to live for God—I can’t very well return to the vomit, ya know? UUUHHHHH…. I am sure many people have looked at their children and wished that they could give them the world—but, the world cost a lot! So, I am giving Olivia something that I can afford… though it cost a lot of sacrifice… rain or shine, she can have me. It’s not a lot… but it’s all I have to give.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Yeah, I know I already posted something today... and though I would love to act like everyone else and write once a day... that's just not happening today for me. So, please just hold on while I write again...
I was about to write about this issue I have on my mind, when Olivia came up to me with puckered lips. I gave her a kiss and then pretended I was going to bite her. She then got really close to my head and whispered, “You’re my mom. I know your tricks.” In that moment, I realized that we should view God that way. When things go bad, we shouldn’t start shaking an angry fist. We shouldn’t look perplexed. We should say, “You’re my dad… and I know what You are trying to do.”
As I finalize my weirdly-timed post this afternoon, I am reminded that Olivia is 8 years old. She is the center of my world. But, she also inspires me to be so much better than what I thought my best even was! I thought before that if I quit drinking—that was my best. But, she has taught me that my best is when the desire to do right overshadows any desire to do otherwise.
I learned a long time ago that whatever I put in my mind is what I will think about. Whatever I think about is what I will end up talking about. The things that I talk about are what will dictate my actions and what I do… and what I do… is ultimately what I believe. Who knew that my thoughts were so powerful? My daughter has been a pivotal part of my very being… and go figure, HE sent her to me!!!
I feel the need to listen to Kim Walker’s- He Loves Us.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I just had my third knee surgery... so, I am still having some pretty severe pain. I am also embarking on a new journey called dieting. Some smart guy thinks that if I eat better and exercise I will lose weight... (personally, I think he was just hungry and wanted me to suffer too)... but, I decided that I might need to become more healthy as well. So, I listen to this guy called "the doctor" and started yesterday. I got in the pool with Olivia and broke a sweat. (Yes, if you move enough in the pool-- you CAN sweat... but, in my case, if I sit down too fast I sweat so... let's just act like I was doing a great job.) Last night, my knee paid for the decision to exercise. Then, today I got back into the pool and did it all over again... such a trooper I am, right?? I think I'd rather have a stroke at 45 than this kind of pain, but let's remember I am not the smart guy in this post!!
I got back into the pool AGAIN and tread water for about 25 minutes... I thought I was going drown! My legs felt like jelly (except for my throbbing knees, of course!) Olivia said, "Mommy. are you ok?" She swam over like she was a lifeguard! My 8 year old saved my life!
I finally left the pool area... I felt so defeated. I think that some of the reason I felt like this was because I had to get out... and if you are skinny, you will have no idea what it feels like to get out of the water and have the clothing that you are wearing suction to every part of your body that you would rather leave to the darkness. It actually makes a sound when you pull it from your body. I always feel like a huge Tupperware bowl when I get out of the pool!!
I know I did the right thing-- but, my knees were KILLING me! But, I had another pain... it was new... I didn't even know what to make of it at
first. I WAS STARVING!!! I counted calories and only ate 830 calories and 8 grams of fat. I think I burnt all those off and now was very upset because my stomach was very upset with me. I walked in and ate a salad. Now, I sit here and wonder if all of this garbage is worth it. I mean, skinny people don't have to do all this!!! They can eat 4 pizzas and watch tv for 3 weeks without moving and not gain a pound! I THINK about eating something healthy and IMMEDIATELY I begin to gain weight.
I won't quit-- but, this is going to be harder than I thought. AND I just want to eat something that doesn't taste horrific!