I was driving with Olivia the other day and we had one of the strangest conversations that I have ever had with her. It wasn't silent by any means in the car... we were singing... I always love doing that with her. It seems to make all the problems disappear for a little bit at least. So, she asks me to turn the radio down and I oblige her. Then, that's when she asked the question... "Mommy, why are we here?"
Since I have decided to go on my own little journey of self/truth discovery... I haven't really spoken to her about God... or anything spiritual for that matter. I do not want what I believe or not believe to influence her decisions. I am an advocate for letting a child figure some things out by themselves.
Though Olivia is still attending church... she obviously is going to notice some changes in my behavior. But, in no way did I think that she would start asking these kinds of questions.
It was about a minute of silence... she was tapping her finger on the console of the car so I could perceive that she was waiting but was getting tired of doing so... I piped up and asked her what she thought. I asked her what her personal opinion was on the matter and she promptly replied, "Well mommy, if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn't be asking you."
I was going to try and explain... I was going to tell her all the "by-the-book" answers that I have been taught my whole life but I couldn't. I, instead, told her that I wasn't sure exactly. I was honest with her and told her that I am mommy but I do not have all the answers like she thinks that I do.
Ever since then, I have been plagued by the thoughts that I should have just given in and told her about all the things that I have been taught my whole life. I should have told her about Genesis... but, in order for me to be true to my journey... and in order for me to let her form her own opinions so that she doesn't end up like me at the age of 28... I just decided that maybe I did the right thing.
So, is there a moral to this story? I have no idea. There might be one at a later time but I am not too sure if there is one now. I feel a little overwhelmed at this point. I am not sure what is true versus what is false. I am not sure if there is going to be a day that I figure this whole thing out.
There are a couple of things that I DO know though... I love my baby, I want what is best for her, and I wish I knew the answers to her questions. If I did know them, then maybe I wouldn't be plagued with insomnia at this point.