Teenage Years... Here They Come!

Well, tomorrow is the day. My daughter will be turning 13! I walked outside the other day and just sobbed. I sobbed for many reasons. I cried because I am scared. Why am I scared? This is the only time in my parenting duties that I have felt that I am so ill-prepared. She likes boys now... the cooties left them and I had no idea when that happened. I know it is natural in the progression of life but GEEZE.... 

I also think that I am always going to do something wrong and screw it all up. So, my question to you today is this.....

Will you say a prayer for me? The next decade might just kill me.

No Worries

Ray

Freakin' White KKK People

Racism is irritating. Racism is hurtful and disgusting. What I do not understand is why the only people that can be labeled a racist is Caucasian people. I'm not saying that they can't be... I'm saying that ANYONE from ANY background can be.

When a Caucasian does it... it is rude, disturbing, and classless.
When an African-American does it... it's funny and acceptable.

How about everyone stop the nonsense and be accepting of people based on who they are inside and how they treat others?

No Worries
Ray

Update: Second Shoulder Surgery

I went ahead and had another surgery on my right shoulder. This time, they anchored my rotator cuff, muscles, ligaments, and tendons. This naturally means that I am in a ton of pain but the surgeon assured me that I would recover from this in about 10 weeks.

Physical therapy is hard but I am trying to get through it.

No Worries
Ray

Needing A Nap On The Battlefield

I am not perfect. I do not claim to be in any area of my life. Lately, I have noticed that there has been some areas of my life that I took pride in and I have let those areas either suffer or die all together. I guess life has just got the best of me in those areas. 

I am finally not having issues with my daughter.... she seems to be doing what she needs to do correctly. I can say that I have been able to take a breath of fresh air in the parenting area. 

The issues that have crept up now are all me. I cannot blame anyone else. I cannot say that anyone else has had a hand in the demise of these areas. What areas? My spiritual life. I am NOT saying that I don't believe in Jesus or God. I am NOT saying that I am turning my back on the entire Christian life... I am saying that I feel like I wounded soldier and I feel like laying on the battlefield of life and just taking a nap.... 

Yeah, I know... I am not being a giant of faith.... maybe not... what I DO know is that I am being human. 

No Worries

Ray

College Life Blows... Literally

Ave you went to college? If so, you might just understand what I'm about to say.

I'm just got done the hardest semester ever. Life was blowing up every single time I had something major due. I'm not talking about a stubbed toe. My brother was arrested for four felonies (which were later dropped), my dear friend Pop died, my 30 year-old friend died suddenly, my rent was skyrocketing so I am in the middle of movong, and then I tore my rotator cuff and need surgery.

I'm sure that my professors thought I was just making it all up, so I sent them proof of all of those events... from court documents to funeral cards to my MRI.

I have more classes starting in a few days... I just need a break. Life is still going on while I pursue my degree. I just hope this semester goes better.

No Worries
Ray

The Positive Route

I had another MRI today. I had surgery on my shoulder last year but something is still wrong with it so I have to go through a bunch of hoops again to see what we can do for it.

I would've loved if my surgeon told me that the ligament was still torn after surgery, but he didn't.... and now I might need an entirely different surgery.

I don't know if I am supposed to be happy that it's going to get taken care of... or if I should be irritated that I wasn't told the entire truth after surgery.

I'll just try and be positive about it.
No Worries
Ray

Single, not ready to mingle

My daughter is constantly asking me when I will start dating again. Now, all of a sudden, I started getting emails from ChristianMingle. She said she has nothing to do with it but, I can only suspect that she is trying to send me a "not so subtle" hint.

I love this kid.
No Worries
Ray

Hurt...

Hurt.... what exactly is it? Is it expectations that weren't met? Is it the possibility that whatever you wanted.... whatever you needed will never be fulfilled?

I don't know exactly how to put my finger on it... I can't exactly describe what it is... I can't even find the words to convey why it won't go away... I just know that it sucks... and yes, generally speaking, it hurts.

No Worries
Ray

Identity Crisis

I'm taking psychology courses to get my bachelor's degree. I read tonight about the development of the identity of an individual and how that is formed. I read what factors play into that formation and I read about certain abnormalities that happen when certain circumstances happen at the times that the inner identity, the true identity, is being formed.

You know what I learned? I learned that I know I am a Christian. I know I am a mom. I know I am a sensitive person that tries to make people happy. I know that I live for the acceptance of others. I know that I long for my father to love me more than he actually does. But when the rubber meets the road, I am just a broken little girl who wants someone not to leave me just because things get hard or just because other people think that I'm the wrong decision for someone else.

I live in a house with 5 other people... and you know what I learned?
I have more of a clue about their identities than I do about my own.

No Worries
Ray

The Viewing

She looked like she was sleeping. My friend that was only 30, was lying there sleeping. This must be a hoax.... yeah, an elaborate hoax.

Her mom and dad hug me and I just couldn't contain my tears no matter how much I intended to be strong for them.

I know it wasn't my fault... but my intrusive thoughts keep saying "you could have done more..... you could have done more."

Pop pop... Ativan to save the day... I'm heartbroken.

Hindsight

I know I have to get up from this place of despair. I know I have to continue living life. Right now, it is so hard knowing that my friend is gone. It is hard to know that less than 12 hours before her death, I was begging her to let me take her to the hospital. She was a stubborn girl though.

I need Jesus to bring peace to my mind. Although I am aware it is not my actual fault... there is always that hindsight is 20/20 thing that forces me to think that if I would have just not taken no go an answer, she would still be here... and her babies would still have a mommy.

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/lmw5/the-krisitn-zinkiewicz-memorial-fund?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_feed&utm_campaign=dashboard_overview_T1&og_action=hug&t=3&fb_ref=2653985

Kristin Z

I told you I would take you to the hospital yesterday. I told you I didn't care about turning my paper in late. I told you...

You died this morning. I'm so devastated. I will miss you, friend... my stubborn friend.

Cheers

Most of my life, I have dealt with some form of addiction problem. While I kicked the drug habit nearly a decade ago, I continued to struggle with alcohol far after the drug problem sailed into the distance.

Today, I have 23 months sober. I have been steadfast for almost 2 years and I am very proud of this accomplishment. The thing that hurts me is that all the people that complained and was at the other side of my drunk aggression, do not ever say a word about it on my "anniversary date."

I'm not asking for anyone to throw a party... but for someone to remember and acknowledge my progress would be nice.

No Worries
Ray

***UPDATE*** It is now the 23rd... and just as every other month, no one said a word, sent a text, or gave a hug. This hurts my heart.

Kiss It Goodbye

I've always been the outgoing comic of the group. Nearly a thousand Facebook "friends" prove that I always have people close enough for me to talk to and express myself to, right?
Wrong... so, very... very wrong.

My best friend has been distant for many years after she had something go wrong in her life. It changed the very core of who she was. I'm not saying she's bad or anything, but pain changes people. You know?

In the same way that I just explained her, I would love for someone to understand that very fact about me too. I can't very well ask anyone to understand that though... I can barely get anyone to talk to me in real life... not virtual/social media life.... REAL LIFE.

I wonder how many years I can carry on this charade. I wonder if it is grossly apparent that I suffer from being chronically homeless when it comes to  heart matters.

I'm going to school to be a psychologist. I guess I should kiss my chance for anyone to listen to my problems or concerns or fears goodbye now.

No Worries
Ray