Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Dodge It

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is my dad's funeral. I don't know what to think.... I do not know what to say. This is a pain that is worse than any pain I have ever felt in my life and I have been through some really tough moments in life.

I do not know how this is ever going to feel better. My dad and I had many problems in the past. But, in the past 5 year, or so, we have made so many leaps and bounds towards a normal and healthy relationship. Right now, I am supposed to be writing his eulogy, but I don't want to have to do that so I am doing everything possible to dodge that task.

Please pray for me as I am not doing well at all.
I usually sign off as "No Worries".... but that would seem just wrong to me right now.... so, I'll try this.

Love you Dad

Monday, January 26, 2015

Nothing Matters... He's Dead

I was consumed with school work and all that goes with it... until the afternoon of the 22nd. My phone rang and there was a woman that said I needed to get to the hospital immediately. I wasn't sure why but I threw my shoes on and got there ASAP. I walked up and saw the EMS doing CPR on someone.... I immediately went into tears and I buckled to the ground. THAT WAS MY DAD!
Without going into detail, after an hour and a half of them trying to get his heart beating again... he passed away.

I have never felt pain like this in my life. I am devestated. I am perplexed and grieving. I can't sleep... I can't eat... I'm numb... yet the pain pierces through the numb feeling and the sobbing starts again.

Nothing feels important anymore. I feel lost. I want my daddy back.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Smaller Portions Is The Trick.... I Think....

I am reading all these books that are making me continually be in an attitude of self-introspection. It makes me look at my motives and intentions. I am trying to do what I can to live my life but somehow, this has been very hard on me. It is difficult to admit fault in any area of my life. I suppose that would be my pride rearing its head up in my life. On the other hand, I do try and change what I can when confronted with something that wouldn’t be pleasing to God. As I read these books, I feel like each book has 10 or more things that I must master or, at the very least, get out of my life completely. I feel like there are many good things that these books can convey but maybe in a smaller portion.
No Worries


Sunday, January 18, 2015

I Know I Know.... But I'm Scared

I am a Christian. As a Christian, I have been taught that I should go to church regularly to "fellowship" with other believers. I have been a Christian for quite some time, so I have been involved in plenty of the church politics that are involved. I have seen people rise from the preverbal ashes and then I have also seen the mighty fall from grace. There was a time in my life that when someone fell, it would rock my faith. I would look suspiciously at all Christians. I felt like everyone was being fake or were hiding some huge secret sin that would ultimately end up hurting me all over again. So, I stayed away. I still read the Bible at home… I still tried to be loving to those around me… I still believed that Jesus died on the cross and rose again…. But the church part was not a part of my life. For a long time, it didn’t bother me at all. I knew all the problems that I was not having to see and be touched by. I knew the negative would not be able to affect me as long as I wasn’t there.

Here’s the problem that I have now. All of a sudden, I am studying to be a psychologist while minoring in Christian counseling. Do you see the problem yet? I want to counsel and help people but those are the exact people that I am afraid to be around! Now, let me be clear… I do not think that it is every Christian. I do not think that it is even MOST Christians… but the ones that screw up REALLY know how to do it well. My major problem is with the Pastors. I am supposed to submit to their authority and I don’t know their personal lives well enough to actually extend any type of trust.
I know, I know…. Just ask God to direct me. I know…. Just go somewhere until I learn about the pastor. I know… just worry about myself. I know… don’t let the past dictate the future. I know I know I know I know…. But it is difficult to tell your heart to open up again.

No Worries