Sunday, July 15, 2012

Required.... But Not Fun

I think that I pride myself in being able to forgive people for things that other people would normally not even try to do. I know that a lot of people don't think that forgiveness is even needed for certain offenses... In all circumstances, I think that forgiveness is a HUGE requirement in order to live a life that is fulfilled and happy.
This is where my problem is sticking out. I have found it difficult to continue to forgive this one person. I have forgiven them before... for the SAME EXACT thing. But, this person continues to do it over and over. I know that the Bible tells me that I need to... that I am, in fact, REQUIRED to... but, in this case, I am finding it very difficult. 
I know that forgiveness is something that is a good thing... I know that it is a choice... but there are times that I would like to scream at this person and say, "GIVE IT A REST! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.... SO PLEASE, STAY OUT OF IT! AND PLEASE, KEEP MY DAUGHTER'S AND MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!"
I do not normally have problems like this with ANYONE... but this person has decided to target me because I refuse to bow to the demands that they have of my life. 
Dear Jesus, I will try to forgive.... another 7000000 times... but do You think that You could shut the mouth of my accuser? Please?
No Worries

Monday, July 2, 2012

30 Came Too Quickly

I know 30 is not old. I know that it is just a number. I know that it will not bother me at all to turn 30, in a couple weeks. Ugh... I am SUCH A LIAR!!! It IS old to me... maybe not to those that are older, but to me, it is. It DOES bother me. 
Yes, I have a wonderful 10 year old. I am raising her as best as I know how. I have made HUGE steps in my life to better it. I serve Christ as best as I can... and even that is something that I need to perfect some more.
I need to be able to express that I do not feel that I have accomplished anything, thus far. 
I went and visited my grandparents tonight. I haven't seen them in a long time. They were telling me about all the things that my cousins have done. They told me about their high paying jobs. They told me about their spouses. They told me all the wonderful things about them. I am SO PROUD of them. I am also VERY happy for them.... BUT.... 
If they were to sit with them... what would they be able to say about me? 
"Rachel has a 10 year old with no spouse OR boyfriend... She works for pennies at Walmart... She is overweight and has physical problems that stem from injuries that she has sustained at her low-paying job. She says that she wants to make a difference in others but I don't see any progress on that statement. She lives with a family and cannot even provide her daughter her own room. Can you believe it? 10 years old and still sleeping in bed with her mom? 
Oh, she is a Christian... she does love God... but, she isn't a really good one because she still smokes. She has been clean for many years and also sober for almost a year. She laughs a lot and makes a lot of jokes that make anyone laugh. She is a character... but a ton of wasted potential."
And now I sit... and realize that those things that are meant to kill me, will make me stronger... BUT, if I am strong and do nothing with the muscle- I might as well be weak.
So, yes... I am going to be 30.... and I hope and pray that the next 30 years are more profitable for every one that I come in contact with.
Dear God, I need You.
No Worries

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Give It A Try

I never want anyone to know exactly how sensitive I am. I do not want to be vulnerable to anyone! As I live my life, day-by-day, I find that by doing this, I am living a lie.
I am trying to find a place in my heart that will willingly open up and show people who I am. I want to be someone that loves quickly, never gets offended, and forgives immediately. 
I want to be open and honest because I think that is the best way to change my own insecurities. Oh how I would love if I could get rid of them a different way... but I have tried everything.. and I think I should give this a try.
Do you think this is possible?
No Worries