Sunday, July 15, 2012

Required.... But Not Fun

I think that I pride myself in being able to forgive people for things that other people would normally not even try to do. I know that a lot of people don't think that forgiveness is even needed for certain offenses... In all circumstances, I think that forgiveness is a HUGE requirement in order to live a life that is fulfilled and happy.
This is where my problem is sticking out. I have found it difficult to continue to forgive this one person. I have forgiven them before... for the SAME EXACT thing. But, this person continues to do it over and over. I know that the Bible tells me that I need to... that I am, in fact, REQUIRED to... but, in this case, I am finding it very difficult. 
I know that forgiveness is something that is a good thing... I know that it is a choice... but there are times that I would like to scream at this person and say, "GIVE IT A REST! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.... SO PLEASE, STAY OUT OF IT! AND PLEASE, KEEP MY DAUGHTER'S AND MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!"
I do not normally have problems like this with ANYONE... but this person has decided to target me because I refuse to bow to the demands that they have of my life. 
Dear Jesus, I will try to forgive.... another 7000000 times... but do You think that You could shut the mouth of my accuser? Please?
No Worries

Monday, July 2, 2012

30 Came Too Quickly

I know 30 is not old. I know that it is just a number. I know that it will not bother me at all to turn 30, in a couple weeks. Ugh... I am SUCH A LIAR!!! It IS old to me... maybe not to those that are older, but to me, it is. It DOES bother me. 
Yes, I have a wonderful 10 year old. I am raising her as best as I know how. I have made HUGE steps in my life to better it. I serve Christ as best as I can... and even that is something that I need to perfect some more.
I need to be able to express that I do not feel that I have accomplished anything, thus far. 
I went and visited my grandparents tonight. I haven't seen them in a long time. They were telling me about all the things that my cousins have done. They told me about their high paying jobs. They told me about their spouses. They told me all the wonderful things about them. I am SO PROUD of them. I am also VERY happy for them.... BUT.... 
If they were to sit with them... what would they be able to say about me? 
"Rachel has a 10 year old with no spouse OR boyfriend... She works for pennies at Walmart... She is overweight and has physical problems that stem from injuries that she has sustained at her low-paying job. She says that she wants to make a difference in others but I don't see any progress on that statement. She lives with a family and cannot even provide her daughter her own room. Can you believe it? 10 years old and still sleeping in bed with her mom? 
Oh, she is a Christian... she does love God... but, she isn't a really good one because she still smokes. She has been clean for many years and also sober for almost a year. She laughs a lot and makes a lot of jokes that make anyone laugh. She is a character... but a ton of wasted potential."
And now I sit... and realize that those things that are meant to kill me, will make me stronger... BUT, if I am strong and do nothing with the muscle- I might as well be weak.
So, yes... I am going to be 30.... and I hope and pray that the next 30 years are more profitable for every one that I come in contact with.
Dear God, I need You.
No Worries

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Give It A Try

I never want anyone to know exactly how sensitive I am. I do not want to be vulnerable to anyone! As I live my life, day-by-day, I find that by doing this, I am living a lie.
I am trying to find a place in my heart that will willingly open up and show people who I am. I want to be someone that loves quickly, never gets offended, and forgives immediately. 
I want to be open and honest because I think that is the best way to change my own insecurities. Oh how I would love if I could get rid of them a different way... but I have tried everything.. and I think I should give this a try.
Do you think this is possible?
No Worries

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Who Am I?

I have many thoughts and feelings about a range of different topics. There is one that has been pressing me lately... who am I, really?
There are many times that I have to be someone for a certain situation... but it is not who I am inside. The more I think about this question, the more I really wanna know the answer. The trouble with this is that I am not all-together convinced that I even know SOME of the answer... forget about me knowing the complete answer. 
The more breaths I take, the more I question who I am. I know how I feel about some things... but it does not always translate into a concrete knowledge of myself. 
I think about all these people that write books about "self realization" and I wonder if they REALLY know what they are talking about. Does ANY ONE really know this answer? 
I know some people that are convinced that their lives are found in something or someone else... but this is not what I mean when I ask this question to myself. Taking away money, kids, jobs, religion, friends.... who am I? I will continue to ponder this until I figure it out.
No Worries

Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Eeyore Moment

I will be 30 this year. I had all these hopes and dreams when I was younger. I am happy that some of them did not come to pass. Then, there are some things that I am very proud of in my life... like my daughter. I would be a liar if I said that I am happy though. This is something that I am not. I spend all my time at work. I am always trying to make enough money to buy Olivia clothes and shoes. I need to make enough money so that the bills get paid. As I look around the environment of my life, I can't help but see that I am not that successful person that I thought that I would be by now. 
I am trying to be content with who I am and what I have... but it is something that is difficult to do. I think Facebook and all social media make it almost impossible to be content. I see pictures of people going on vacations... buying new vehicles... going out with their families to dinner and then something else fun.... and when I see things like that, all I really feel is that I am very happy for them... yet, very upset for Olivia and myself. I wish I could do things like that... but, to be honest, I do not have the money to do things like that. Even if I saved the money... I am part-time at Walmart (32-38 hours a week)... so, I do not get paid time off. 
I hate this rat race... but I am grateful I have a job at all. I just wish that I would make more money... I wish that I would have planned better with my money that I had in the past. 
I guess you can't cry over spilled milk OR money spent.
No Worries

Sunday, April 8, 2012

SHOCKING!!! (No Really...)

I will be working overnight for the next week. My pain levels have been pretty high but I know that God will be strong in my weakness. I had a nerve conduction done this past week. The best way I can describe it is that they put electrodes on the feet and then shock you. Yep, simple as that... they SHOCK YOU!
They got a baseline response from my left leg. My leg responded so quickly that I almost kicked the lady in the face. It was almost like lightning in that leg. I didn't expect that much juice to be pumped into my leg. They took the electrodes off of that leg/foot and then put them on my right leg. She then shocked it once... no movement. She shocked it again... no movement. She then clicked the button 4 or 5 times to give it more power and shocked me... my leg never moved. My toes jumped on the last one... but nothing dramatic.
She took the electrodes off and then stuck 2 needles in the front of my leg... right next to the shin bone into the muscle. She looked at me strange and asked me what I was feeling... I told her that the part of my leg that she just put the needles in has lacked any feeling since surgery.
I guess that made it good for me... because she said that was the most painful of all the parts of the test. She then directed me to move my foot while the needles were in my leg. I could feel pressure and pain in the BACK OF MY LEG (not the front!!!)
I will get the results soon. She looked like she was shocked at what she was seeing. To be honest, I was pretty taken back myself.
No Worries

Friday, April 6, 2012

I Wanna Make Her Better

I was joking around on Facebook and posted that I would love if someone would buy me tickets to the Jesus Culture concert that will be in a neighboring town in couple weeks. To my utter amazement, a kind man bought Olivia and I tickets so that we could enjoy the experience together. I had tears in my eyes when I found out the news. I was able to tell Olivia in the morning when she woke up and she was sooooo happy!! She wanted to know who bought them for us. I explained to her who it was and told her that she had met him at Dunkin' Donuts a couple years ago. She was very happy and pleased.
A little while later, she came to me and asked me a question that I am STILL wrestling with... "Momma, why will someone that doesn't even know me do something that nice for me and my own dad won't even call me?" My heart immediately sank. I tried to explain that God has a way of showing us love through many different people. I tried to tell her that her Heavenly Father loves her very much. I tried to explain that her earthly father makes mistakes and everyone needs to be forgiven. She tucked her head into my chest and cried.
She said, "I am thankful for everything that God does for me... and I am thankful to Mr. Ray for getting us those tickets... but I wish my dad loved me too."
Every since then, I have been upside down inside. I wanna scream and yell. I wanna tell everyone how stupid this person is for hurting my little girl... I wanna... I wanna.... I wanna.....
More than anything... I want her heart to be ok. I hope that when we go to this concert, God will somehow show her the love that she is longing for. I know that she feels special because someone she is not all that familiar with, did something special for her and I.
I just wish her little heart would not hurt.... ever.
No Worries

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Guilty By Not Doing Anything

I have been in a lot of pain in the past couple of months. I have spent most of my time in my room. I don't go out of the house much... but to be honest, I truly don't even leave my room either. I live in a house with six other people. We live in a small duplex. At this time, it is what we needed to do to get back on our financial feet. It seems to be working out ok. We are a little cramped but, for the most part, it is something that we don't really focus on. Since we do not focus on it, it doesn't become a problem.
I share a room with Olivia. This is something that I have done with her the entire time that she has been alive, so we are both accustomed to it. The people I live with are not blood-related to me. Despite that fact, I consider them all my family. I love them very much. We have had our up's and down's... but on a whole, we all get along pretty well.
One of those people happens to be my best friend. She has always been there for me. She listens when I need to talk. We have hung out for years. She was there for me when my whole life seemed to have blew up. I was there for her when her life looked at though as it was doing the same. We have a very close friendship. There is nothing in this world that I could say that would make her "give up" on me.
This is where my issue begins. Because of the above mentioned isolation that has been taking place in my life... I haven't exactly been the friend that I should have been. Since we are accustomed to speaking to each other about everything... it seems that I am ignoring everyone except for Olivia. I wish that I could change my actions for the past couple months, but that is something that is just not possible. After a brief conversation, she has let me know that I have hurt her feelings by the way that I have been acting.
I don't think that I have "done" anything to her. I have just been in a place that I have been very isolated. I understand what she is saying though. I understand that I have not been the friend that she has needed. I understand that I have been so isolated that I have pushed many individuals out of my life. This is something that I did not mean to do. I did not mean to push everyone out. But, no matter what I say, the fact that I have hurt people around me without intending to do so, still stands.
So, how to I make it right? I have apologized... but it doesn't seem that my words will make any dent in the wall that I built. I am willing to change the way that I have been acting... I am willing to try and make the change needed within myself that will, in turn, change that I am isolating myself with others.
I never have all the answers to life's questions... but on this one, I feel like I do not have even a thought to start the answer. I have become so comfortable being by myself. There is part of me that misses being a part of every one else's life... but to be honest, there is a part of me that is ok with not having to be involved. I miss not seeing and not being a part of the day-to-day events that happen in my family's life... but there is a part that is relieved that if, by chance, something goes wrong that day... I KNOW it was not my fault. I KNOW that no one can blame me for it. Imagine my surprise today when I was told that I am doing a disservice to them by not doing anything.
I love them. They are my family. I hope that I can make it right. I also hope that they will see that I didn't mean to do this. It would be easier if they would just read my blog to understand my thoughts and heart on this matter... but they never read this- so that is not going to work for me.
Dear God... help me. I need You to change me so that I will feel motivated. I need You to help me out the depression and funk that I have been in lately. I love You. In Jesus Name, Amen.
No Worries

Friday, March 9, 2012

Which Way Do I Go George?

I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I have been trying to figure out where I am supposed to be doing whatever I am supposed to be doing. Confused yet? Yeah... me too.
I have many people that I have come to know and love in many different places. They are all apart of different walks of life. I want to be able to show them the love of God. I want them to be able to experience His mercy. Here is where my problem arises. I don't know if the church I am apart of is the church that I am supposed to be at. This is not something that I take lightly. I believe that doing the right thing in the wrong place is not something that should be accepted. This also has nothing to do with the leadership or followers there. It is something that I cannot fully explain. I do not feel very needed there. At first, I thought that maybe this was something that I was feeling out of an insecurity. As this feeling did not go away, I prayed that God would tell me some sort of answer. He did not say anything.
Instead of going to the church, I started listening to various preachers online and reading the Bible more extensively for myself. This was and is how I am staying strong. I am not saying that every moment of every day I am 100% spiritually healthy. I am simply saying that if it were not for those two actions, I would have been in really bad shape.
I am now at a crossroads. I am trying my best to do what God wants me to. A question rises up in me though... what if I don't know what He wants me to do? What if I don't know if this is where He wants me? I wrote to my pastor and asked him to agree with me in prayer about this matter and he said he didn't need to pray about this. He said that he knew that I was supposed to be there. He said that I just needed to come back and everything would work out.
What if he is right? What if he is wrong? I have found that in my limbo, I have been irritated more easily. I have found that those around me don't even know what is going on with me inside. I get frustrated because no one that I know and love really knows what heartache I am going through because of this situation. I wish that they did know... but it is easier to tell the world while sitting behind a screen, then it is to tell those around you.
Bottom line is this; I need God to speak to my heart about this. I need Him to guide me and direct me. I need Him to show me what to do. I need Him... period.
No Worries

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I am the kind of Christian that tries not to judge. I am not going to say that it never happens... but I will say that I make a conscious decision to keep my judgments turned inward so that I am the one changing into who God wants me to be. I try not to worry about what others are thinking when it pertains to me. I try to do what I think is right and let everything else kinda fall off to the way-side.
So, now that I gave the foundation for what I need to say, maybe you (whoever you are) will understand why this bothers me as much as it does. A person that I have known for years deleted me off of Facebook. We had no cross words towards each other. We had no argument. We had no disagreement. The ONLY 2 things that changed was that I became a Christian and I stopped drinking.
I feel like I was judged for those two decisions. I feel like just because I changed the way I live my life... this person decided that our friendship would not stand the test of time. I NEVER told this person that they had to change. I NEVER tried to push my decisions on them. I made the decision to not attend parties that involved drinking or not to go hang out at bars.
I feel like I was betrayed. I know that this may sound silly to some of you. I may just be taking this more seriously than I should. But, if you are reading this and you know me personally, you will know that I love people like they are my family (even if we share no blood relation.)
I know that my decision will make some people uncomfortable... some because they assume that I will be like some that they have met and judged them... some because they think that being a Christian is insane... but, to be honest, I didn't think that someone would kick me out of their life completely for it.
I am sorry that it ended this way... I never wanted it to end at all. But I will count it all dung if God be glorified.
No Worries (even if it feels like I am)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

I pee'd the bed

I long for every person I come in contact with to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. For that reason, I do not say anything negative against the church. I think that some people think that the "church folk" is a correct representation of who God is... and unfortunatley, that is not always the case.

The reason I am writing this is to express myself in where I am at. I got hurt on July 5th, 2011. I had surgery on August 26th, 2011. I began having severe pain in January 2012. The pain is progressive. It was light at first. But now, there are days that I cannot walk. There are days that I cannot even go to the bathroom without my daughter helping me get there. She has had to miss school because I would have been all alone all day. I lied and told the people that picked her up that she woke up late because I didn't want anyone to know that I was right next to immoble. One day, I didn't want her to miss another day of school so I told her to go ahead and go... but I knew the pain was too much to walk... so, like a 2 year old, I wet the bed. Of course, it was embarrassing... it was even worse trying to get it all cleaned up before anyone found out... ESPECIALLY Olivia.

I was going to work... working through the pain. I would try my best to keep a smile on my face. I didn't want them to know what was going on inside. So, I would take Motrin800 (x4) so that I could go to work. Who knew that my stomach would hurt that bad by just taking Motrin? (Well, yes, I did... but I didn't have another option.)

So, fast forward to right now... to this very moment of why I wrote the first paragraph. The people at my job are some interesting folks. Some of them are funny... some are not... some are nice... some are not... some believe in God... some do not. Now, none of those things matter to me in a way that makes me treat any of them different. I actually love them all... for one reason or another. I feel that they have concern for me as well. They have made sure to drop me notes online or they have sent me a text to see how I was doing... asking me if I needed anything... or was there anything that they could do for me. But not one person from my church has ever called me to ask how I was doing. Not one. You would think they would have noticed that I haven't even been to church faithfully since before Thanksgiving.

The pain that I go through physically can somehow be dealt with... but emotionally, they have hurt me. Love your neighbor as yourself... I wonder if maybe they skipped over that part. Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.... maybe they missed that too. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. I am not one that goes into this type of thing in public... but there is one thing that I am learning and it is this... If I am ever to make a difference in this world... I cannot act like I skip around with no problems and no emotions about anything. I wanted to share this because I want people to know that GOD is NOT the people. The people will make mistakes... they will hurt you... I mean, I, MYSELF might be the one that hurts you. People always say that there are too many hypocrits in the church... even I say that... but here's the thing I learned... I was being one. By pretending that everything was ok. I was because I pretended that I wasn't mad and hurt. So, to those of you that I was angry with... please forgive me. To those of you that I was not honest with, please forgive me.

Yep... Rachel, the one that laughs... is now the one that cries as well. And the only way that I want to end this little note is like this....

Dear God,

I forgive them. Please help me through. I know that they are not who You are. And I know that You are good.

I love You.

P.S... The next time you see me... please do NOT come and hug all over me in pity. This is NOT so that ANYONE will feel bad. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you in advance for respecting my bubble. ;)♥you guys

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Ode to Tim Tebow

Dear Mr. Tim Tebow,
I would like to tell you that someone like me (someone that doesn't mean much to the world spinning around) is VERY proud of YOU!!! I don't care if you win the games... (though I LOVE it when the team does)... I care about how you handle yourself. I watched you when you played with Florida because I am a Gators fan. But, you grew on me. At the time, I was not a Christian in any sense of the word. Now that I am, I feel like you are a shining light in a darkened world. So, I will happily and loyally support you and defend you to those that are deceived into thinking that the game on the field is the only one that matters.
You are a stand up guy and I respect that. I wish you would come play for Tampa so I could actually see you in action with my own eyes... but if that is not possible, I will DVR the Sunday games and root you (and whatever team you play for) on.
Thank You Sir... for what you do but more for simply who you are.
Your Friend,

Friday, January 13, 2012

And He Will

The New Year has brought a new found love of writing. I have been writing every single day. I have not published any of it publicly because some of it is incomplete thoughts and some of it is down-right too personal for me to expose.
I guess what I am learning is that it is ok to explore some of my emotions about certain subjects in my life. I didn't always think this way. I thought that maybe I should let some things in my life stay where they were... in the past. But, I have been looking at some things that have happened in the past and I have been able to feel real... RAW... deep emotion about it.
This is something that I am not accustomed to doing... but I think that in the big picture of it all... it is something that I should have done a long time ago.
Moral of the story? Be honest with you and how you feel and how you do not feel. After you get that out a bit... ask God to help you in the journey and He will.
No Worries