I pee'd the bed

I long for every person I come in contact with to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. For that reason, I do not say anything negative against the church. I think that some people think that the "church folk" is a correct representation of who God is... and unfortunatley, that is not always the case.

The reason I am writing this is to express myself in where I am at. I got hurt on July 5th, 2011. I had surgery on August 26th, 2011. I began having severe pain in January 2012. The pain is progressive. It was light at first. But now, there are days that I cannot walk. There are days that I cannot even go to the bathroom without my daughter helping me get there. She has had to miss school because I would have been all alone all day. I lied and told the people that picked her up that she woke up late because I didn't want anyone to know that I was right next to immoble. One day, I didn't want her to miss another day of school so I told her to go ahead and go... but I knew the pain was too much to walk... so, like a 2 year old, I wet the bed. Of course, it was embarrassing... it was even worse trying to get it all cleaned up before anyone found out... ESPECIALLY Olivia.

I was going to work... working through the pain. I would try my best to keep a smile on my face. I didn't want them to know what was going on inside. So, I would take Motrin800 (x4) so that I could go to work. Who knew that my stomach would hurt that bad by just taking Motrin? (Well, yes, I did... but I didn't have another option.)

So, fast forward to right now... to this very moment of why I wrote the first paragraph. The people at my job are some interesting folks. Some of them are funny... some are not... some are nice... some are not... some believe in God... some do not. Now, none of those things matter to me in a way that makes me treat any of them different. I actually love them all... for one reason or another. I feel that they have concern for me as well. They have made sure to drop me notes online or they have sent me a text to see how I was doing... asking me if I needed anything... or was there anything that they could do for me. But not one person from my church has ever called me to ask how I was doing. Not one. You would think they would have noticed that I haven't even been to church faithfully since before Thanksgiving.

The pain that I go through physically can somehow be dealt with... but emotionally, they have hurt me. Love your neighbor as yourself... I wonder if maybe they skipped over that part. Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.... maybe they missed that too. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. I am not one that goes into this type of thing in public... but there is one thing that I am learning and it is this... If I am ever to make a difference in this world... I cannot act like I skip around with no problems and no emotions about anything. I wanted to share this because I want people to know that GOD is NOT the people. The people will make mistakes... they will hurt you... I mean, I, MYSELF might be the one that hurts you. People always say that there are too many hypocrits in the church... even I say that... but here's the thing I learned... I was being one. By pretending that everything was ok. I was because I pretended that I wasn't mad and hurt. So, to those of you that I was angry with... please forgive me. To those of you that I was not honest with, please forgive me.

Yep... Rachel, the one that laughs... is now the one that cries as well. And the only way that I want to end this little note is like this....

Dear God,

I forgive them. Please help me through. I know that they are not who You are. And I know that You are good.

I love You.

P.S... The next time you see me... please do NOT come and hug all over me in pity. This is NOT so that ANYONE will feel bad. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you in advance for respecting my bubble. ;)♥you guys