Who Am I?

I have many thoughts and feelings about a range of different topics. There is one that has been pressing me lately... who am I, really?

There are many times that I have to be someone for a certain situation... but it is not who I am inside. The more I think about this question, the more I really wanna know the answer. The trouble with this is that I am not all-together convinced that I even know SOME of the answer... forget about me knowing the complete answer. 

The more breaths I take, the more I question who I am. I know how I feel about some things... but it does not always translate into a concrete knowledge of myself. 

I think about all these people that write books about "self realization" and I wonder if they REALLY know what they are talking about. Does ANY ONE really know this answer? 

I know some people that are convinced that their lives are found in something or someone else... but this is not what I mean when I ask this question to myself. Taking away money, kids, jobs, religion, friends.... who am I? I will continue to ponder this until I figure it out.

No Worries

Ray

My Eeyore Moment

I will be 30 this year. I had all these hopes and dreams when I was younger. I am happy that some of them did not come to pass. Then, there are some things that I am very proud of in my life... like my daughter. I would be a liar if I said that I am happy though. This is something that I am not. I spend all my time at work. I am always trying to make enough money to buy Olivia clothes and shoes. I need to make enough money so that the bills get paid. As I look around the environment of my life, I can't help but see that I am not that successful person that I thought that I would be by now. 

I am trying to be content with who I am and what I have... but it is something that is difficult to do. I think Facebook and all social media make it almost impossible to be content. I see pictures of people going on vacations... buying new vehicles... going out with their families to dinner and then something else fun.... and when I see things like that, all I really feel is that I am very happy for them... yet, very upset for Olivia and myself. I wish I could do things like that... but, to be honest, I do not have the money to do things like that. Even if I saved the money... I am part-time at Walmart (32-38 hours a week)... so, I do not get paid time off. 

I hate this rat race... but I am grateful I have a job at all. I just wish that I would make more money... I wish that I would have planned better with my money that I had in the past. 

I guess you can't cry over spilled milk OR money spent.

No Worries

Ray

After years of no contact, Olivia's father has waltzed into town to turn himself in for an outstanding warrant. Before he could do that, he had a reuniting moment at his mother's house with Olivia. Now, I have NO problem with them seeing each other. I think that it is beneficial for my daughter to see her father. I feel that she needs his affirmation in order to grow correctly... emotionally speaking anyway.

I guess I was a little irritated because she came home singing his praises. I did NOT say ANYTHING negative about the whole thing. I told her that I was very happy for her. I told her that I was happy that she was able to meet her half-brother as well. She asked me if he was my step-son and I explained how step-children come into being.... and since that is not the case, he was no relation to me. I wish nothing but the best for all of them... that is the truth. 

The thing I am struggling with is MY OWN emotions about it. I did not expect him to ever come back to town. I never expected to have to even think about custody matters and all that until last night. Quite frankly, it made me cry. My daughter is MINE. I do not share her with him because he was ABSENT. Now, do I have to share her with him just because he has decided to do the right thing? 

I will do the right thing for Olivia.... even if it hurts my heart... not because I am noble... but because I love her and want the best for her.

No Worries

Ray

SHOCKING!!! (No Really...)

I will be working overnight for the next week. My pain levels have been pretty high but I know that God will be strong in my weakness. I had a nerve conduction done this past week. The best way I can describe it is that they put electrodes on the feet and then shock you. Yep, simple as that... they SHOCK YOU!

They got a baseline response from my left leg. My leg responded so quickly that I almost kicked the lady in the face. It was almost like lightning in that leg. I didn't expect that much juice to be pumped into my leg. They took the electrodes off of that leg/foot and then put them on my right leg. She then shocked it once... no movement. She shocked it again... no movement. She then clicked the button 4 or 5 times to give it more power and shocked me... my leg never moved. My toes jumped on the last one... but nothing dramatic.

She took the electrodes off and then stuck 2 needles in the front of my leg... right next to the shin bone into the muscle. She looked at me strange and asked me what I was feeling... I told her that the part of my leg that she just put the needles in has lacked any feeling since surgery.

I guess that made it good for me... because she said that was the most painful of all the parts of the test. She then directed me to move my foot while the needles were in my leg. I could feel pressure and pain in the BACK OF MY LEG (not the front!!!)

I will get the results soon. She looked like she was shocked at what she was seeing. To be honest, I was pretty taken back myself.

No Worries

Ray

I Wanna Make Her Better

I was joking around on Facebook and posted that I would love if someone would buy me tickets to the Jesus Culture concert that will be in a neighboring town in couple weeks. To my utter amazement, a kind man bought Olivia and I tickets so that we could enjoy the experience together. I had tears in my eyes when I found out the news. I was able to tell Olivia in the morning when she woke up and she was sooooo happy!! She wanted to know who bought them for us. I explained to her who it was and told her that she had met him at Dunkin' Donuts a couple years ago. She was very happy and pleased.

A little while later, she came to me and asked me a question that I am STILL wrestling with... "Momma, why will someone that doesn't even know me do something that nice for me and my own dad won't even call me?" My heart immediately sank. I tried to explain that God has a way of showing us love through many different people. I tried to tell her that her Heavenly Father loves her very much. I tried to explain that her earthly father makes mistakes and everyone needs to be forgiven. She tucked her head into my chest and cried.

She said, "I am thankful for everything that God does for me... and I am thankful to Mr. Ray for getting us those tickets... but I wish my dad loved me too."

Every since then, I have been upside down inside. I wanna scream and yell. I wanna tell everyone how stupid this person is for hurting my little girl... I wanna... I wanna.... I wanna.....

More than anything... I want her heart to be ok. I hope that when we go to this concert, God will somehow show her the love that she is longing for. I know that she feels special because someone she is not all that familiar with, did something special for her and I.

I just wish her little heart would not hurt.... ever.

No Worries

Ray

Guilty By Not Doing Anything

I have been in a lot of pain in the past couple of months. I have spent most of my time in my room. I don't go out of the house much... but to be honest, I truly don't even leave my room either. I live in a house with six other people. We live in a small duplex. At this time, it is what we needed to do to get back on our financial feet. It seems to be working out ok. We are a little cramped but, for the most part, it is something that we don't really focus on. Since we do not focus on it, it doesn't become a problem.

I share a room with Olivia. This is something that I have done with her the entire time that she has been alive, so we are both accustomed to it. The people I live with are not blood-related to me. Despite that fact, I consider them all my family. I love them very much. We have had our up's and down's... but on a whole, we all get along pretty well.

One of those people happens to be my best friend. She has always been there for me. She listens when I need to talk. We have hung out for years. She was there for me when my whole life seemed to have blew up. I was there for her when her life looked at though as it was doing the same. We have a very close friendship. There is nothing in this world that I could say that would make her "give up" on me.

This is where my issue begins. Because of the above mentioned isolation that has been taking place in my life... I haven't exactly been the friend that I should have been. Since we are accustomed to speaking to each other about everything... it seems that I am ignoring everyone except for Olivia. I wish that I could change my actions for the past couple months, but that is something that is just not possible. After a brief conversation, she has let me know that I have hurt her feelings by the way that I have been acting.

I don't think that I have "done" anything to her. I have just been in a place that I have been very isolated. I understand what she is saying though. I understand that I have not been the friend that she has needed. I understand that I have been so isolated that I have pushed many individuals out of my life. This is something that I did not mean to do. I did not mean to push everyone out. But, no matter what I say, the fact that I have hurt people around me without intending to do so, still stands.

So, how to I make it right? I have apologized... but it doesn't seem that my words will make any dent in the wall that I built. I am willing to change the way that I have been acting... I am willing to try and make the change needed within myself that will, in turn, change that I am isolating myself with others.

I never have all the answers to life's questions... but on this one, I feel like I do not have even a thought to start the answer. I have become so comfortable being by myself. There is part of me that misses being a part of every one else's life... but to be honest, there is a part of me that is ok with not having to be involved. I miss not seeing and not being a part of the day-to-day events that happen in my family's life... but there is a part that is relieved that if, by chance, something goes wrong that day... I KNOW it was not my fault. I KNOW that no one can blame me for it. Imagine my surprise today when I was told that I am doing a disservice to them by not doing anything.

I love them. They are my family. I hope that I can make it right. I also hope that they will see that I didn't mean to do this. It would be easier if they would just read my blog to understand my thoughts and heart on this matter... but they never read this- so that is not going to work for me.

Dear God... help me. I need You to change me so that I will feel motivated. I need You to help me out the depression and funk that I have been in lately. I love You. In Jesus Name, Amen.

No Worries

Ray

Which Way Do I Go George?

I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I have been trying to figure out where I am supposed to be doing whatever I am supposed to be doing. Confused yet? Yeah... me too.

I have many people that I have come to know and love in many different places. They are all apart of different walks of life. I want to be able to show them the love of God. I want them to be able to experience His mercy. Here is where my problem arises. I don't know if the church I am apart of is the church that I am supposed to be at. This is not something that I take lightly. I believe that doing the right thing in the wrong place is not something that should be accepted. This also has nothing to do with the leadership or followers there. It is something that I cannot fully explain. I do not feel very needed there. At first, I thought that maybe this was something that I was feeling out of an insecurity. As this feeling did not go away, I prayed that God would tell me some sort of answer. He did not say anything.

Instead of going to the church, I started listening to various preachers online and reading the Bible more extensively for myself. This was and is how I am staying strong. I am not saying that every moment of every day I am 100% spiritually healthy. I am simply saying that if it were not for those two actions, I would have been in really bad shape.

I am now at a crossroads. I am trying my best to do what God wants me to. A question rises up in me though... what if I don't know what He wants me to do? What if I don't know if this is where He wants me? I wrote to my pastor and asked him to agree with me in prayer about this matter and he said he didn't need to pray about this. He said that he knew that I was supposed to be there. He said that I just needed to come back and everything would work out.

What if he is right? What if he is wrong? I have found that in my limbo, I have been irritated more easily. I have found that those around me don't even know what is going on with me inside. I get frustrated because no one that I know and love really knows what heartache I am going through because of this situation. I wish that they did know... but it is easier to tell the world while sitting behind a screen, then it is to tell those around you.

Bottom line is this; I need God to speak to my heart about this. I need Him to guide me and direct me. I need Him to show me what to do. I need Him... period.

No Worries

Ray