Win with the Truth

The person that had been irritating me by spreading defaming and slanderous lies is at it again. I wonder if he thinks that he is above the law just because he is a law enforcement officer...?

Either way, I will have my day in court. As soon as I can, I will file every motion I can to have him removed from my life on a permanent basis. I cannot make him stop dragging my name falsely through the mud... but I CAN make him pay for it. As a law enforcement officer, he knows that making false statements and filing false reports is a crime. In Florida, it is actually a third-degree felony. I suppose that even though he is trained to know the law, it did not stop him from breaking it. I was cleared of EVERY SINGLE accusation that he spewed at me... unfortunately, he will not have the same outcome. I don't have to lie to get the court to decide in my favor... quite the contrary... I just have to tell the truth.

No Worries
Ray ❤

My Way

There are things that we will never understand. Life has a way of kicking you in the teeth... even when you're down already.

I know people think that 4 months is just long enough for everyone to think I should already be over my dad's death... but, in my experience, that is just not the case. I'm not saying that I haven't adjusted to the pain... but I AM saying that the pain doesn't lessen... I just adapt to it.

Some have called it pathetic... but either way, it's my way of grieving... not theirs. They still have their dad.

No Worries
Ray

Happy Birthday Pop

So, this is the first birthday without you. You would have been 64 years old. I imagine the phone call that we would have had today.... it would have included me telling you how old you're getting and asking you what you wanted. Of course, you would tell me that you wanted nothing but you would have had some smart and sarcastic remark about me teasing you about your age.
So, I'm taking Olivia to Niagara Falls today. It was one of the best times I can recall us having and it will serve as a remembrance moment for us in the process.
I pray that God helps my brother and sister through today. We all may put a brave face on but, in all honesty, this entire situation has broken our spirits to the very core.

Happy Birthday Pop...
Love you ❤
Ray

Because I Have No Dad.... That's Why.

The grief is bad enough all by itself. The problem that I am having is the people that ask me questions like.... "So exactly what are you crying about?" I always want to scream, "BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE A DAD.... NO MATTER HOW GOOD OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS AND FOR HOW LONG IT WAS.... I JUST CRY BECAUSE HE IS GONE." But, do I say that? No... I try to make up an acceptable reason that they may or may not accept or understand. This would be longer but this is all I have to say for now.

Ray

In The Moment

Since my dad's passing, I have learned some pretty difficult lessons. I have learned things that I never wanted to learn. I have felt pain that I didn't know was possible. Having said that, I have also learned some lessons that were meant to learn in my life.

At first, the grief counselor asked me to find positive things about his death. I thought that she was crazy and insensitive. I remember telling her what I thought of her at that moment as well. She didn't waiver or get upset with me. She encouraged me to look for the positive even if it felt impossible. Now that the 2 month mark is almost here, I have found some positive points about the situation... not his death... but the situation that I found myself in after his death.

I have learned that even though I made HUGE mistakes after his death, I also have shown growth and strength as well. I have found a deeper love for people and God. I have found that I stop more often to look at the trees swaying in the breeze... not because I am planning on being a meteorologist... but because I take the time to appreciate the wind and the trees. I appreciate the moment that I am in. Let me be clear... I do not always LIKE the moment that I am experiencing... but I am learning to appreciate that I am still alive to experience it at all.

I love my dad... and miss him terribly. I also love those people that I come in contact with and cherish the time that I still have with them.

Ray 

Pretending

Living without a portion of your heart is ridiculously difficult. I lost my dad on January 22nd and most of the time it feels like my heart will explode. I have made many mistakes throughout this experience.... who am I kidding? I STILL am making mistakes in how I handle certain situations. Sometimes, I pretend that it didn't happen. Then, there are times that I pick my phone up to tell him something or to check on him and I bust out into tears because that moment of the realization that he is not here all over again is excruciating. 

I don't cry in front of too many people. I have began to smile and laugh again.... usually it is not because I feel like it... it is more because it is a requirement to scare away any attention that would require me to explain the pain that I experience on a regular basis.

I am better in my adjustment than I was before.... but I am pretending that I am doing better than what I really am.

I would love to sign off with the NO WORRIES tag line... but it is too soon to even pretend that I am not thoroughly freaked out in my emotions by this whole thing.

I miss you pop... it is with a heavy heart that I type every word.

Love you...

Ray ♥

Eulogy

Dear Dad,

I have written you what seems to be a thousand times this week. I think I know what to say but then it gets all jumbled up and I have to redo it. Then a countless amount of people tell me how I should remember you in a certain way publicly and I wouldn't feel right doing it that way…. Then some say you would want a celebration and no tears but you’re not here to tell me what to do so I guess I can do this however I want. I have always had a rebellious streak in me. So, I am going to go with this…

Some people have dads that they get along with for their entire lives. It’s almost like some fathers and daughters dance through the tulips their whole lives. You and I were definitely not like that. We fought a lot in my younger years. I was always right, of course.

But, as I got older, I realized that there may have been some times that you were right… you just expressed your point in a way that I couldn't understand at the time. As the grandkids got older, I saw a softer side of you. A side that included a nurturing way about you…. A side that included an unconditional loving way about you. In that, the past 5 years or so have gotten a lot better between you and I. We learned how to appreciate one another for who we were instead of trying to change each other.

Many people had those “perfect” dads… but let’s not blow smoke… those dads have their quirks, faults, and failures too. One thing that I can say is that when I was young, you did something for me that many dads do not take the time to do… you taught me to trust God. I did not understand what that meant when you taught that to me. So many things had went wrong in life… but you would just remind me to trust God. Even when I would get mad at God, you would tell me to trust Him… and quite frankly, I thought you were losing it. But, as I have grown to trust God in all things… I am faced with learning this lesson with this situation too. I don’t like it. But, when people ask me, “What would your dad want you to do?” I know your answer… “He would want me to trust God.”

So, we may both have had some rough patches in our relationship… we may have had some times that we felt disconnected… but there will always be the connection in this… you taught me to serve God before anyone or anything else. I am not perfect in that… but, in my eyes, you were perfect for teaching that to me.

I love you…. Always have…. Always will….

Ray

Dodge It

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is my dad's funeral. I don't know what to think.... I do not know what to say. This is a pain that is worse than any pain I have ever felt in my life and I have been through some really tough moments in life.

I do not know how this is ever going to feel better. My dad and I had many problems in the past. But, in the past 5 year, or so, we have made so many leaps and bounds towards a normal and healthy relationship. Right now, I am supposed to be writing his eulogy, but I don't want to have to do that so I am doing everything possible to dodge that task.

Please pray for me as I am not doing well at all.
I usually sign off as "No Worries".... but that would seem just wrong to me right now.... so, I'll try this.


Love you Dad
Ray

Smaller Portions Is The Trick.... I Think....

I am reading all these books that are making me continually be in an attitude of self-introspection. It makes me look at my motives and intentions. I am trying to do what I can to live my life but somehow, this has been very hard on me. It is difficult to admit fault in any area of my life. I suppose that would be my pride rearing its head up in my life. On the other hand, I do try and change what I can when confronted with something that wouldn’t be pleasing to God. As I read these books, I feel like each book has 10 or more things that I must master or, at the very least, get out of my life completely. I feel like there are many good things that these books can convey but maybe in a smaller portion.

No Worries

Ray

I Know I Know.... But I'm Scared

I am a Christian. As a Christian, I have been taught that I should go to church regularly to "fellowship" with other believers. I have been a Christian for quite some time, so I have been involved in plenty of the church politics that are involved. I have seen people rise from the preverbal ashes and then I have also seen the mighty fall from grace. There was a time in my life that when someone fell, it would rock my faith. I would look suspiciously at all Christians. I felt like everyone was being fake or were hiding some huge secret sin that would ultimately end up hurting me all over again. So, I stayed away. I still read the Bible at home… I still tried to be loving to those around me… I still believed that Jesus died on the cross and rose again…. But the church part was not a part of my life. For a long time, it didn’t bother me at all. I knew all the problems that I was not having to see and be touched by. I knew the negative would not be able to affect me as long as I wasn’t there.

Here’s the problem that I have now. All of a sudden, I am studying to be a psychologist while minoring in Christian counseling. Do you see the problem yet? I want to counsel and help people but those are the exact people that I am afraid to be around! Now, let me be clear… I do not think that it is every Christian. I do not think that it is even MOST Christians… but the ones that screw up REALLY know how to do it well. My major problem is with the Pastors. I am supposed to submit to their authority and I don’t know their personal lives well enough to actually extend any type of trust.

I know, I know…. Just ask God to direct me. I know…. Just go somewhere until I learn about the pastor. I know… just worry about myself. I know… don’t let the past dictate the future. I know I know I know I know…. But it is difficult to tell your heart to open up again.

No Worries

Ray

Freakin' White KKK People

Racism is irritating. Racism is hurtful and disgusting. What I do not understand is why the only people that can be labeled a racist is Caucasian people. I'm not saying that they can't be... I'm saying that ANYONE from ANY background can be.

When a Caucasian does it... it is rude, disturbing, and classless.
When an African-American does it... it's funny and acceptable.

How about everyone stop the nonsense and be accepting of people based on who they are inside and how they treat others?

No Worries
Ray

Needing A Nap On The Battlefield

I am not perfect. I do not claim to be in any area of my life. Lately, I have noticed that there has been some areas of my life that I took pride in and I have let those areas either suffer or die all together. I guess life has just got the best of me in those areas. 

I am finally not having issues with my daughter.... she seems to be doing what she needs to do correctly. I can say that I have been able to take a breath of fresh air in the parenting area. 

The issues that have crept up now are all me. I cannot blame anyone else. I cannot say that anyone else has had a hand in the demise of these areas. What areas? My spiritual life. I am NOT saying that I don't believe in Jesus or God. I am NOT saying that I am turning my back on the entire Christian life... I am saying that I feel like I wounded soldier and I feel like laying on the battlefield of life and just taking a nap.... 

Yeah, I know... I am not being a giant of faith.... maybe not... what I DO know is that I am being human. 

No Worries

Ray

College Life Blows... Literally

Ave you went to college? If so, you might just understand what I'm about to say.

I'm just got done the hardest semester ever. Life was blowing up every single time I had something major due. I'm not talking about a stubbed toe. My brother was arrested for four felonies (which were later dropped), my dear friend Pop died, my 30 year-old friend died suddenly, my rent was skyrocketing so I am in the middle of movong, and then I tore my rotator cuff and need surgery.

I'm sure that my professors thought I was just making it all up, so I sent them proof of all of those events... from court documents to funeral cards to my MRI.

I have more classes starting in a few days... I just need a break. Life is still going on while I pursue my degree. I just hope this semester goes better.

No Worries
Ray

Identity Crisis

I'm taking psychology courses to get my bachelor's degree. I read tonight about the development of the identity of an individual and how that is formed. I read what factors play into that formation and I read about certain abnormalities that happen when certain circumstances happen at the times that the inner identity, the true identity, is being formed.

You know what I learned? I learned that I know I am a Christian. I know I am a mom. I know I am a sensitive person that tries to make people happy. I know that I live for the acceptance of others. I know that I long for my father to love me more than he actually does. But when the rubber meets the road, I am just a broken little girl who wants someone not to leave me just because things get hard or just because other people think that I'm the wrong decision for someone else.

I live in a house with 5 other people... and you know what I learned?
I have more of a clue about their identities than I do about my own.

No Worries
Ray

Just Because The Door Is Open.....

I was on the phone today on the patio out back next to the pool. I looked over at two birds that flew in the open door. It was actually sad. They would be flying full force in a frantic way to try and escape. They would be flying to what seemed to be the way out, yet they would quickly realize that there was a barrier there. Of course, they didn't see the screen... so, they just kept hurting themselves. One actually hit the screen so hard that it bounced back and fell in the pool. I tried to help them but they just kept walking/flying away from me. I went inside and asked for help to get them out... but only Olivia was inside. So, I had her come outside and talked to her for a brief moment about decision making.

See, I always tell Olivia that every decision that she makes will effect another part of her life. This was a perfect opportunity for me to show her what I meant. I was able to show her that the birds flew into an open door and got stuck. The more I thought about it, the more real it became. I looked at those birds like they were idiots-- but then I realized that we are the same way! I looked at the birds and thought, "why don't they just go back out of the place that they just flew into?" But, if you would look beyond the physical circumstance, you will see that we do the exact same thing. We, as humans, walk through doors (different situations) just because they are easy to get into. Then, when we figure out that we don't want to be in that situation anymore... only then, do we figure out that we are stuck. I would bet that if the pool area looked like a trap, they wouldn't have come in. From their vantage point, it would seem like there were plenty of ways out of there. But, they didn't look closely enough. They didn't see the barriers that would hold them captive.

Personally, I have done this many times. I have walked into situations with my eyes wide open- only to find out later that I got trapped in a situation. I wanted to be able to tell the birds to retrace their flight and leave that way... but, instead, I had to take a shirt and throw it on them to weigh them down so they couldn't fly away into another screen. Then, I had to pick it up and release it back out of the door. This part of the situation with the birds reminded me of how hard it is to retrace your steps back to the path you are supposed to be on. Sometimes when one is faced with having to get away from the captivity that they find themselves in-- it is a difficult task to get back to where you are supposed to be.

I wrote all of this to warn myself and others that just because a door is open, doesn't always mean that we are supposed to walk in. If we looked a little closer before throwing ourselves into a situation, we would see that there are barriers that will prevent us from getting out. There will then be a process that we have to go through in order to get out of the situation. (And more times than not, the process will not be a fun adventure.) So, just be careful... and know that I am also telling myself to be careful. I happen to be a very impulsive person that doesn't always think things through... so, I've been stuck MANY times.

You wanna get out? I can only tell you where to start... Psalms 121.

No Worries

Ray

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.

The Psalms

121

The LORD Is Thy Keeper
A Song of degrees.
1	I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2	My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
3	He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4	Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5	The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6	The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
7	The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8	The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Angelo and Paula Musicaro

So, there he is. Pastor Angelo Musicaro (of Oasis Christian Fellowship) in a casket. He decided this was a good way to get people to think about what really counts... and as the Facebook comments will show: He did exactly that. Usually, I try and write about myself... but this time, I am going to write about him and his wife.

This is a guy that won't quit on people. He doesn't throw people away. How do I know? Because he never threw me away! His wife, Paula, and him are such incredible people. I normally am not one to brag on other's... probably because I am not a fan of blowing smoke, ya know? But, in this case, I have no smoke to blow! They both make an impact of lives everyday and expect nothing back. They both just want people to be OK and want them to go on with God.

They have counseled with me countless times... at the church, at their house, on the phone, and through the Internet. They don't care what time it is... (well, I think they do a little because they need sleep too!!)... but they are there to help no matter when... even IF their tired.

I know that Angelo gets a lot of praise from many individuals... and he deserves every bit of it. The person that I see that should openly get insane amounts of praise is his wife, Paula. I speak with her far more than Angelo. When he is unavailable- she'll talk to me and just be encouraging. We can laugh and joke... or cry and pray. It doesn't matter to her if I'm confessing my faults, if I am smokin' mad at something, or if I just want to laugh a bit at crazy things that I saw that day. They don't ever judge the package... they are only worried about the contents of the package.

So, this is my "scratch-the-surface" tribute to them. I could write all day about them... but, that's not something that they would want. They are some of the most caring individuals I know... and I am privileged to call them my Pastors... and my friends.

No Worries

Ray