Because I Have No Dad.... That's Why.

The grief is bad enough all by itself. The problem that I am having is the people that ask me questions like.... "So exactly what are you crying about?" I always want to scream, "BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE A DAD.... NO MATTER HOW GOOD OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS AND FOR HOW LONG IT WAS.... I JUST CRY BECAUSE HE IS GONE." But, do I say that? No... I try to make up an acceptable reason that they may or may not accept or understand. This would be longer but this is all I have to say for now.

Ray

Pretending

Living without a portion of your heart is ridiculously difficult. I lost my dad on January 22nd and most of the time it feels like my heart will explode. I have made many mistakes throughout this experience.... who am I kidding? I STILL am making mistakes in how I handle certain situations. Sometimes, I pretend that it didn't happen. Then, there are times that I pick my phone up to tell him something or to check on him and I bust out into tears because that moment of the realization that he is not here all over again is excruciating. 

I don't cry in front of too many people. I have began to smile and laugh again.... usually it is not because I feel like it... it is more because it is a requirement to scare away any attention that would require me to explain the pain that I experience on a regular basis.

I am better in my adjustment than I was before.... but I am pretending that I am doing better than what I really am.

I would love to sign off with the NO WORRIES tag line... but it is too soon to even pretend that I am not thoroughly freaked out in my emotions by this whole thing.

I miss you pop... it is with a heavy heart that I type every word.

Love you...

Ray ♥

Teenage Years... Here They Come!

Well, tomorrow is the day. My daughter will be turning 13! I walked outside the other day and just sobbed. I sobbed for many reasons. I cried because I am scared. Why am I scared? This is the only time in my parenting duties that I have felt that I am so ill-prepared. She likes boys now... the cooties left them and I had no idea when that happened. I know it is natural in the progression of life but GEEZE.... 

I also think that I am always going to do something wrong and screw it all up. So, my question to you today is this.....

Will you say a prayer for me? The next decade might just kill me.

No Worries

Ray

Identity Crisis

I'm taking psychology courses to get my bachelor's degree. I read tonight about the development of the identity of an individual and how that is formed. I read what factors play into that formation and I read about certain abnormalities that happen when certain circumstances happen at the times that the inner identity, the true identity, is being formed.

You know what I learned? I learned that I know I am a Christian. I know I am a mom. I know I am a sensitive person that tries to make people happy. I know that I live for the acceptance of others. I know that I long for my father to love me more than he actually does. But when the rubber meets the road, I am just a broken little girl who wants someone not to leave me just because things get hard or just because other people think that I'm the wrong decision for someone else.

I live in a house with 5 other people... and you know what I learned?
I have more of a clue about their identities than I do about my own.

No Worries
Ray