Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Eeyore Moment

I will be 30 this year. I had all these hopes and dreams when I was younger. I am happy that some of them did not come to pass. Then, there are some things that I am very proud of in my life... like my daughter. I would be a liar if I said that I am happy though. This is something that I am not. I spend all my time at work. I am always trying to make enough money to buy Olivia clothes and shoes. I need to make enough money so that the bills get paid. As I look around the environment of my life, I can't help but see that I am not that successful person that I thought that I would be by now. 
I am trying to be content with who I am and what I have... but it is something that is difficult to do. I think Facebook and all social media make it almost impossible to be content. I see pictures of people going on vacations... buying new vehicles... going out with their families to dinner and then something else fun.... and when I see things like that, all I really feel is that I am very happy for them... yet, very upset for Olivia and myself. I wish I could do things like that... but, to be honest, I do not have the money to do things like that. Even if I saved the money... I am part-time at Walmart (32-38 hours a week)... so, I do not get paid time off. 
I hate this rat race... but I am grateful I have a job at all. I just wish that I would make more money... I wish that I would have planned better with my money that I had in the past. 
I guess you can't cry over spilled milk OR money spent.
No Worries

Sunday, April 8, 2012

SHOCKING!!! (No Really...)

I will be working overnight for the next week. My pain levels have been pretty high but I know that God will be strong in my weakness. I had a nerve conduction done this past week. The best way I can describe it is that they put electrodes on the feet and then shock you. Yep, simple as that... they SHOCK YOU!
They got a baseline response from my left leg. My leg responded so quickly that I almost kicked the lady in the face. It was almost like lightning in that leg. I didn't expect that much juice to be pumped into my leg. They took the electrodes off of that leg/foot and then put them on my right leg. She then shocked it once... no movement. She shocked it again... no movement. She then clicked the button 4 or 5 times to give it more power and shocked me... my leg never moved. My toes jumped on the last one... but nothing dramatic.
She took the electrodes off and then stuck 2 needles in the front of my leg... right next to the shin bone into the muscle. She looked at me strange and asked me what I was feeling... I told her that the part of my leg that she just put the needles in has lacked any feeling since surgery.
I guess that made it good for me... because she said that was the most painful of all the parts of the test. She then directed me to move my foot while the needles were in my leg. I could feel pressure and pain in the BACK OF MY LEG (not the front!!!)
I will get the results soon. She looked like she was shocked at what she was seeing. To be honest, I was pretty taken back myself.
No Worries

Friday, April 6, 2012

I Wanna Make Her Better

I was joking around on Facebook and posted that I would love if someone would buy me tickets to the Jesus Culture concert that will be in a neighboring town in couple weeks. To my utter amazement, a kind man bought Olivia and I tickets so that we could enjoy the experience together. I had tears in my eyes when I found out the news. I was able to tell Olivia in the morning when she woke up and she was sooooo happy!! She wanted to know who bought them for us. I explained to her who it was and told her that she had met him at Dunkin' Donuts a couple years ago. She was very happy and pleased.
A little while later, she came to me and asked me a question that I am STILL wrestling with... "Momma, why will someone that doesn't even know me do something that nice for me and my own dad won't even call me?" My heart immediately sank. I tried to explain that God has a way of showing us love through many different people. I tried to tell her that her Heavenly Father loves her very much. I tried to explain that her earthly father makes mistakes and everyone needs to be forgiven. She tucked her head into my chest and cried.
She said, "I am thankful for everything that God does for me... and I am thankful to Mr. Ray for getting us those tickets... but I wish my dad loved me too."
Every since then, I have been upside down inside. I wanna scream and yell. I wanna tell everyone how stupid this person is for hurting my little girl... I wanna... I wanna.... I wanna.....
More than anything... I want her heart to be ok. I hope that when we go to this concert, God will somehow show her the love that she is longing for. I know that she feels special because someone she is not all that familiar with, did something special for her and I.
I just wish her little heart would not hurt.... ever.
No Worries