I have been in a downward spiral. Has it ever happened to anyone besides myself? I am not out drinking or doing drugs or anything like that... I am just tired of living a life that doesn't seem like it's mine. I was taught many things as a child that just don't seem to match up anymore. The problem that this creates has created a hurricane in the forecast of my life. I was running hard after God... and then, BAM... something happened and incidentally caused my religious views to completely change. It is something that is hard for me to do-- as I have raised "christian".... so, when you truly decide that you have to search out more than just the things that you were taught-- it tears you apart.
There are a few people that know that I have changed to a more agnostic view... and they are very upset with me. It's hard to face them. It is difficult to know everything that I know and still turn my back. But, it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to find out for myself. I am tired of living a life based on knowledge in my mind... instead of an experience in my heart. They are two different things... and some people might be able to live this way... but, as for me, I cannot.
I will lose people in my life because of this. I will look around and be forsaken... it has already started. The same "Christians" that I spend hours praying with... and fellowshipping with... many of them are gone. I have been called a "worker of Satan"... I have been told "you are no better than people involved in Wicca"--- this is something that has hurt me. I never said that I don't believe God exists. I never said I want to go hug a tree and think that the sun and moon are going to save my soul. I never said that in my search for truth that I might be lead back to where I came from... I simply said I will not claim to be a christian and not live it. I will not say that I believe it all... when clearly I do not.
These people are wolves. It is a very uncomfortable place to be in... but it is where I am at. I wish I could lie and say all is well... but I cannot. I wasn't going to write any of this... I was going to try and be funny... tell a funny story... but, if you are reading this, you probably know that I am not too good at being fake.
Well, here goes nothing.... or everything.