Sunday, September 26, 2010

Finding Nemo Is Easier Than Finding Me

I have been in a downward spiral. Has it ever happened to anyone besides myself? I am not out drinking or doing drugs or anything like that... I am just tired of living a life that doesn't seem like it's mine. I was taught many things as a child that just don't seem to match up anymore. The problem that this creates has created a hurricane in the forecast of my life. I was running hard after God... and then, BAM... something happened and incidentally caused my religious views to completely change. It is something that is hard for me to do-- as I have raised "christian".... so, when you truly decide that you have to search out more than just the things that you were taught-- it tears you apart.
There are a few people that know that I have changed to a more agnostic view... and they are very upset with me. It's hard to face them. It is difficult to know everything that I know and still turn my back. But, it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to find out for myself. I am tired of living a life based on knowledge in my mind... instead of an experience in my heart. They are two different things... and some people might be able to live this way... but, as for me, I cannot.
I will lose people in my life because of this. I will look around and be forsaken... it has already started. The same "Christians" that I spend hours praying with... and fellowshipping with... many of them are gone. I have been called a "worker of Satan"... I have been told "you are no better than people involved in Wicca"--- this is something that has hurt me. I never said that I don't believe God exists. I never said I want to go hug a tree and think that the sun and moon are going to save my soul. I never said that in my search for truth that I might be lead back to where I came from... I simply said I will not claim to be a christian and not live it. I will not say that I believe it all... when clearly I do not.
These people are wolves. It is a very uncomfortable place to be in... but it is where I am at. I wish I could lie and say all is well... but I cannot. I wasn't going to write any of this... I was going to try and be funny... tell a funny story... but, if you are reading this, you probably know that I am not too good at being fake.
Well, here goes nothing.... or everything.
No Worries
Ray

6 comments:

  1. Well, here goes nothing... or everything, is how we live life daily. I feel more, than hear your confusion. Been there done that I guess. It is a very deep valley, one which I almost didnt escape. I cant reassure you or lecture you but I can pray and I will. Our faith is fragile as it is transparent to most. To believe in something that cannot be seen, felt, heard is a tall order. I know my God is there, he has pulled me through so much "crap" but not unscathed. My faith has be battered, bruised, scratched, broken, lacerated, etc... the one constant in the pulling and pushing around is the whisper I hear. Believe me the enemy also has that ability so it is the fine tuning that God uses to give us the discernment we need to hear him. It is hard at times to hear anything over the roar of life, and that is always very loud and distracting so I pray. I always have and it works for me to ask for help from the Father. What I have a hard time understanding for a very long time is the way "help" comes. I am looking for the calvery and I get one word from an unlikely sourse but it works. I have always been a prayer warrior and will continue to intercede for those God calls me to pray for. Be vigilant in your quest for truth in faith. Understand the lies and deception are a honed talent of the enemy. God is there, we do not see him, but we do hear him. And no matter what, you are free to choose your own path. Either way, you are lifted up in prayer and will always be loved.

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  2. Yes I have been there and am there at times but have felt the abiding presence of God in my being. Another thing. I don't look to or depend on the action or actions of any other person to weigh whether my faith is real..not letting the actions of another drive me or disappoint me away from Jesus. It is Just Him and me. He is the only one I don't have to pretend for. He has truly been the only one who meets me where I am..including in doubt, depression, anger,self hate and all the strange mental places I at times find myself in...I don't love Him for making times good for me..i love him because he helps me when times are not good for me..that is the truth from my heart...

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  3. love you Rachel! maybe you are questioning the form of religion that many Christians abide by that is all hype and no substance. Maybe you feel that it isn't a building, or people treating you like you are a conquest instead of a real person that you are questioning. Or the feeling that Church is a popularity clique catering to those who volunteer the most time or give the most money! If so, then I am right there with ya!
    The Jesus in the Bible is pretty different from the Jesus presented by TV preachers, that is for sure. You would think He was all about getting rich, looking good, and doing a lot of yelling if you went by that! Love you and hope you get through this hard time!

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  4. Ray Ray- I love you too! And I have been struggling w/ some of the same things! I have been very disillusioned by ppl that I thought were "good christians" or "good friends". But I am here for u and I am sorry that ppl have been mean to u! I still feel God helping me and i pray the same for u! Thanks for ur honesty! <3 u! - Rachel r

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  5. Well, honesty about confusion is all I have right now. It may sound VERY strange... but it is what it is. I am not on this journey because I just woke up one morning and decided it. I woke up one morning and was utterly confused about what I was trying to live. Obviously, I have been raised in church and know the "norms" that I am to follow. But, why? I want to know what to do because I believe it for myself... as opposed to following something because it seems like the right thing to do. I mean, that is how Nazi Germany happened... following "norms" that were outrageous! Thanks for all the comments. They are greatly appreciated. XOXOXOXO... love to all.
    Ray

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  6. Wow, Rachel, I understand what you are saying. I was brought up in the Catholic church and believed because that is what I was supposed to do...what I was taught. I had a lot of questions that I dared not ask. I doubted a lot!!In my late teens, early twenties I turned my back on God, said I didn't believe. When I look back now I think I was really just mad at Him for things that were going on at the time in my life. But maybe that was what I needed at the time so I could step back and really find Him and not 'religion'. I think that is what He really wants from us, He wants us to search for the truth because when we find it, we find Him. We need to know that we believe because of our own decision not because that is what is expected of us. Maybe your experiences so far with 'the church' haven't been all that great but they have gotten you through some rough spots in the past, there has been some good come out of it. We are all still learning daily, and we all still make mistakes for we are only human. I know that if you keep searching for the truth you will find your way back to Him and your faith will be stronger and more real than ever before, and that is my prayer for you.

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