Happy Birthday Pop

So, this is the first birthday without you. You would have been 64 years old. I imagine the phone call that we would have had today.... it would have included me telling you how old you're getting and asking you what you wanted. Of course, you would tell me that you wanted nothing but you would have had some smart and sarcastic remark about me teasing you about your age.
So, I'm taking Olivia to Niagara Falls today. It was one of the best times I can recall us having and it will serve as a remembrance moment for us in the process.
I pray that God helps my brother and sister through today. We all may put a brave face on but, in all honesty, this entire situation has broken our spirits to the very core.

Happy Birthday Pop...
Love you ❤
Ray

Because I Have No Dad.... That's Why.

The grief is bad enough all by itself. The problem that I am having is the people that ask me questions like.... "So exactly what are you crying about?" I always want to scream, "BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE A DAD.... NO MATTER HOW GOOD OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS AND FOR HOW LONG IT WAS.... I JUST CRY BECAUSE HE IS GONE." But, do I say that? No... I try to make up an acceptable reason that they may or may not accept or understand. This would be longer but this is all I have to say for now.

Ray

In The Moment

Since my dad's passing, I have learned some pretty difficult lessons. I have learned things that I never wanted to learn. I have felt pain that I didn't know was possible. Having said that, I have also learned some lessons that were meant to learn in my life.

At first, the grief counselor asked me to find positive things about his death. I thought that she was crazy and insensitive. I remember telling her what I thought of her at that moment as well. She didn't waiver or get upset with me. She encouraged me to look for the positive even if it felt impossible. Now that the 2 month mark is almost here, I have found some positive points about the situation... not his death... but the situation that I found myself in after his death.

I have learned that even though I made HUGE mistakes after his death, I also have shown growth and strength as well. I have found a deeper love for people and God. I have found that I stop more often to look at the trees swaying in the breeze... not because I am planning on being a meteorologist... but because I take the time to appreciate the wind and the trees. I appreciate the moment that I am in. Let me be clear... I do not always LIKE the moment that I am experiencing... but I am learning to appreciate that I am still alive to experience it at all.

I love my dad... and miss him terribly. I also love those people that I come in contact with and cherish the time that I still have with them.

Ray 

Pretending

Living without a portion of your heart is ridiculously difficult. I lost my dad on January 22nd and most of the time it feels like my heart will explode. I have made many mistakes throughout this experience.... who am I kidding? I STILL am making mistakes in how I handle certain situations. Sometimes, I pretend that it didn't happen. Then, there are times that I pick my phone up to tell him something or to check on him and I bust out into tears because that moment of the realization that he is not here all over again is excruciating. 

I don't cry in front of too many people. I have began to smile and laugh again.... usually it is not because I feel like it... it is more because it is a requirement to scare away any attention that would require me to explain the pain that I experience on a regular basis.

I am better in my adjustment than I was before.... but I am pretending that I am doing better than what I really am.

I would love to sign off with the NO WORRIES tag line... but it is too soon to even pretend that I am not thoroughly freaked out in my emotions by this whole thing.

I miss you pop... it is with a heavy heart that I type every word.

Love you...

Ray ♥

Eulogy

Dear Dad,

I have written you what seems to be a thousand times this week. I think I know what to say but then it gets all jumbled up and I have to redo it. Then a countless amount of people tell me how I should remember you in a certain way publicly and I wouldn't feel right doing it that way…. Then some say you would want a celebration and no tears but you’re not here to tell me what to do so I guess I can do this however I want. I have always had a rebellious streak in me. So, I am going to go with this…

Some people have dads that they get along with for their entire lives. It’s almost like some fathers and daughters dance through the tulips their whole lives. You and I were definitely not like that. We fought a lot in my younger years. I was always right, of course.

But, as I got older, I realized that there may have been some times that you were right… you just expressed your point in a way that I couldn't understand at the time. As the grandkids got older, I saw a softer side of you. A side that included a nurturing way about you…. A side that included an unconditional loving way about you. In that, the past 5 years or so have gotten a lot better between you and I. We learned how to appreciate one another for who we were instead of trying to change each other.

Many people had those “perfect” dads… but let’s not blow smoke… those dads have their quirks, faults, and failures too. One thing that I can say is that when I was young, you did something for me that many dads do not take the time to do… you taught me to trust God. I did not understand what that meant when you taught that to me. So many things had went wrong in life… but you would just remind me to trust God. Even when I would get mad at God, you would tell me to trust Him… and quite frankly, I thought you were losing it. But, as I have grown to trust God in all things… I am faced with learning this lesson with this situation too. I don’t like it. But, when people ask me, “What would your dad want you to do?” I know your answer… “He would want me to trust God.”

So, we may both have had some rough patches in our relationship… we may have had some times that we felt disconnected… but there will always be the connection in this… you taught me to serve God before anyone or anything else. I am not perfect in that… but, in my eyes, you were perfect for teaching that to me.

I love you…. Always have…. Always will….

Ray

1 Month Mark

Today marks a month since my dad passed away. I can confidentially say that this has been the worst month of my entire 32 year life. In one way, I got to today in a blink of an eye... but when I was going through those first tormenting days, it felt like the longest days ever.

What have I learned? Many things...
Some things that were really important to me aren't as important anymore. Then other things that weren't that important have become infinitely more important to me. I learned that my body has no threshold on how many tears it can produce either.

I love you dad and genuinely miss you every moment of every day.

Ray

Dodge It

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is my dad's funeral. I don't know what to think.... I do not know what to say. This is a pain that is worse than any pain I have ever felt in my life and I have been through some really tough moments in life.

I do not know how this is ever going to feel better. My dad and I had many problems in the past. But, in the past 5 year, or so, we have made so many leaps and bounds towards a normal and healthy relationship. Right now, I am supposed to be writing his eulogy, but I don't want to have to do that so I am doing everything possible to dodge that task.

Please pray for me as I am not doing well at all.
I usually sign off as "No Worries".... but that would seem just wrong to me right now.... so, I'll try this.


Love you Dad
Ray