Because I Have No Dad.... That's Why.

The grief is bad enough all by itself. The problem that I am having is the people that ask me questions like.... "So exactly what are you crying about?" I always want to scream, "BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE A DAD.... NO MATTER HOW GOOD OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS AND FOR HOW LONG IT WAS.... I JUST CRY BECAUSE HE IS GONE." But, do I say that? No... I try to make up an acceptable reason that they may or may not accept or understand. This would be longer but this is all I have to say for now.

Ray

In The Moment

Since my dad's passing, I have learned some pretty difficult lessons. I have learned things that I never wanted to learn. I have felt pain that I didn't know was possible. Having said that, I have also learned some lessons that were meant to learn in my life.

At first, the grief counselor asked me to find positive things about his death. I thought that she was crazy and insensitive. I remember telling her what I thought of her at that moment as well. She didn't waiver or get upset with me. She encouraged me to look for the positive even if it felt impossible. Now that the 2 month mark is almost here, I have found some positive points about the situation... not his death... but the situation that I found myself in after his death.

I have learned that even though I made HUGE mistakes after his death, I also have shown growth and strength as well. I have found a deeper love for people and God. I have found that I stop more often to look at the trees swaying in the breeze... not because I am planning on being a meteorologist... but because I take the time to appreciate the wind and the trees. I appreciate the moment that I am in. Let me be clear... I do not always LIKE the moment that I am experiencing... but I am learning to appreciate that I am still alive to experience it at all.

I love my dad... and miss him terribly. I also love those people that I come in contact with and cherish the time that I still have with them.

Ray 

Freakin' White KKK People

Racism is irritating. Racism is hurtful and disgusting. What I do not understand is why the only people that can be labeled a racist is Caucasian people. I'm not saying that they can't be... I'm saying that ANYONE from ANY background can be.

When a Caucasian does it... it is rude, disturbing, and classless.
When an African-American does it... it's funny and acceptable.

How about everyone stop the nonsense and be accepting of people based on who they are inside and how they treat others?

No Worries
Ray

Identity Crisis

I'm taking psychology courses to get my bachelor's degree. I read tonight about the development of the identity of an individual and how that is formed. I read what factors play into that formation and I read about certain abnormalities that happen when certain circumstances happen at the times that the inner identity, the true identity, is being formed.

You know what I learned? I learned that I know I am a Christian. I know I am a mom. I know I am a sensitive person that tries to make people happy. I know that I live for the acceptance of others. I know that I long for my father to love me more than he actually does. But when the rubber meets the road, I am just a broken little girl who wants someone not to leave me just because things get hard or just because other people think that I'm the wrong decision for someone else.

I live in a house with 5 other people... and you know what I learned?
I have more of a clue about their identities than I do about my own.

No Worries
Ray