I have been in a lot of pain in the past couple of months. I have spent most of my time in my room. I don't go out of the house much... but to be honest, I truly don't even leave my room either. I live in a house with six other people. We live in a small duplex. At this time, it is what we needed to do to get back on our financial feet. It seems to be working out ok. We are a little cramped but, for the most part, it is something that we don't really focus on. Since we do not focus on it, it doesn't become a problem.
I share a room with Olivia. This is something that I have done with her the entire time that she has been alive, so we are both accustomed to it. The people I live with are not blood-related to me. Despite that fact, I consider them all my family. I love them very much. We have had our up's and down's... but on a whole, we all get along pretty well.
One of those people happens to be my best friend. She has always been there for me. She listens when I need to talk. We have hung out for years. She was there for me when my whole life seemed to have blew up. I was there for her when her life looked at though as it was doing the same. We have a very close friendship. There is nothing in this world that I could say that would make her "give up" on me.
This is where my issue begins. Because of the above mentioned isolation that has been taking place in my life... I haven't exactly been the friend that I should have been. Since we are accustomed to speaking to each other about everything... it seems that I am ignoring everyone except for Olivia. I wish that I could change my actions for the past couple months, but that is something that is just not possible. After a brief conversation, she has let me know that I have hurt her feelings by the way that I have been acting.
I don't think that I have "done" anything to her. I have just been in a place that I have been very isolated. I understand what she is saying though. I understand that I have not been the friend that she has needed. I understand that I have been so isolated that I have pushed many individuals out of my life. This is something that I did not mean to do. I did not mean to push everyone out. But, no matter what I say, the fact that I have hurt people around me without intending to do so, still stands.
So, how to I make it right? I have apologized... but it doesn't seem that my words will make any dent in the wall that I built. I am willing to change the way that I have been acting... I am willing to try and make the change needed within myself that will, in turn, change that I am isolating myself with others.
I never have all the answers to life's questions... but on this one, I feel like I do not have even a thought to start the answer. I have become so comfortable being by myself. There is part of me that misses being a part of every one else's life... but to be honest, there is a part of me that is ok with not having to be involved. I miss not seeing and not being a part of the day-to-day events that happen in my family's life... but there is a part that is relieved that if, by chance, something goes wrong that day... I KNOW it was not my fault. I KNOW that no one can blame me for it. Imagine my surprise today when I was told that I am doing a disservice to them by not doing anything.
I love them. They are my family. I hope that I can make it right. I also hope that they will see that I didn't mean to do this. It would be easier if they would just read my blog to understand my thoughts and heart on this matter... but they never read this- so that is not going to work for me.
Dear God... help me. I need You to change me so that I will feel motivated. I need You to help me out the depression and funk that I have been in lately. I love You. In Jesus Name, Amen.
No Worries
Ray
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