Olivia went over her grandma’s house last night. She is going school shopping today. Since my knee surgery, I haven’t been able to get a job. This is making things very difficult. Olivia says she understands that I don’t have ANY money… but, I don’t want her to have to understand that. I want her to look at me and know that anything she needs, I will be able to provide. But, at this time, she cannot look at me like this. There are times that I get very irritated about not getting any child support—but, then I have to become responsible for my action or inaction as well. I can’t point fingers at someone that isn’t providing because I’m not doing a good job either.
Money is such a strange thing. People use it to show how much they love someone… I am glad that Olivia will not learn that from me. So, I guess that is one of my saving graces in this instance. Livy knows that when I have money, she will always have what she needs and most of what she wants. It just tears me up that I have to send her to someone’s house so that she can get what she needs. I always make sure that no matter what; I will get her what she needs… even if I don’t have money. (No, that doesn’t mean I steal it or anything…) This time it was just difficult because I couldn’t get her shoes or socks. I couldn’t get her school clothes… I couldn’t even get her hair cut… she got it cut but someone else paid for it.
I always am bothered when my income isn’t enough—but, I want her to have everything I didn’t. She asked me if we could go on vacation like all the other kids. I thought to myself, “This kid is killing me.” She is aware that I don’t even have a car… how in the world are we going on vacation? I try and keep the tears out of my eyes when I call businesses and they tell me that they hired someone else… or that they decided they’re not going to be hiring at this time… but, without fail, I always seem to end up sobbing later.
There are things that I can make money doing… but, because of my choice to live for God—I can’t very well return to the vomit, ya know? UUUHHHHH…. I am sure many people have looked at their children and wished that they could give them the world—but, the world cost a lot! So, I am giving Olivia something that I can afford… though it cost a lot of sacrifice… rain or shine, she can have me. It’s not a lot… but it’s all I have to give.
No Worries
Ray
Believe me, Rachel, it is you that she needs, not money, just your love.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your work situation. I know how hard it is right now to get a job. You are in my prayers. I know the perfect job will open up for you eventually, that is what I am praying for.
I will pray for a good job for you Rachel! When Stina and Jenny were little, we had hard financial times too but God always made some way for us and He will for you too! Having your love, attention and conversation is worth more than anything money can buy, so you are laying up treasures in heaven for your sweet daughter!
ReplyDeleteYes Rach (do u like rach? cuz if not, i wont call u that!) I agree w/ Nancy and Dolly! I was raised by just my mom too, and let me tell you, that is one special bond right there! We had tough times financially growing up too, but God always provided! Even as a lil kid, I knew He was taking care of me! Don't feel bad, u r an awesome Mommy! I'll pray u get a great job too! -Rach R
ReplyDeleteRach is not my favorite thing to be called... but, I am getting accustomed to people calling me that- so, no worries.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks... prayer is the only way this is going to get any better. God Himself knows that Mr. Change-Not Obama is not helping my issues! lol
Oops... did I just "accidentally" tell everyone that I am a straight-edge Republican? Darn it... I was trying to keep that a secret!
My Dear Ray,Nancy J is right, all Olivia really needs is you're continued unconditional love. All good mom's want the best for thier children.We all try to provide more then the past generation did.But it's not things that olivia will always remember,it's the love and comittment to her that will stand out in her mind for years to come. She's also learning to be content with such as ye have :) And you are a gold mine!
ReplyDelete