The Sifting Process

I would rather tell all my secrets and daily problems to a screen that doesn't fight with me on the way I deliver my message than to have one person I have to talk to in real life. People are so fickle... especially those that are close to you. One second, they are screaming from the rooftops about how great they think you are.... the next second, when they don't get their way, they're sitting in the next room gossiping about how terrible you are.
Life has a way of sifting out the ones that don't belong there.
No Worries
Ray ❤

All Because of a Shower

I let a homeless man take a shower in my house today. I was trying to be nice but, for my family, they did not see it that way. I had a loaded gun on the table for a "backup" plan. This person also went to high school with both of my brothers... my brother had told him to come back later when he was here and he would let him shower. My brother then went to Target and bought him new clothes for this evening. When the homeless man got to our house, my brother was just leaving the movies. So, I found the guy a towel, started the shower, made sure the gun was loaded and accessible, and let him in to the bathroom. I didn't think it was a big deal... I mean, I had a loaded gun on the table.
They did not feel that way. They felt I put everyone in danger and then some rough patches in my life were brought up.
How did it end? In anger, we all decided to move out from the same house. So, tomorrow I will be packing.
All because I let a homeless man take a shower.
Oh... by the way... he took a shower, thanked us profusely and left. No harm... no foul...
No Worries
Ray

PS.... do I know there was some risk involved? Of course... but I also trusted that my God and/or my gun could keep us safe.... while trying to help a fellow human being out.

Let's Act Like It

Today the United States Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is now legal and should be recognized in every state of the United States. As a Christian, I believe a certain way and that would ultimately go against legalizing same-sex marriage BUT.... my job as a Christian is not to inflict pain on others because we feel and believe differently. My job is to show love to every person around me. My job is to pray for my enemies... and my enemies are not gay people. They are usually Christians that are rude and nasty to people just because they think they are better somehow.  I love people... I don't take personal issue with whom they decide to sleep with. I think that if we could leave the judgments to the judge (God)... we would all be in a better place with one another.

What I DO take a HUGE stand on is racism. I am not talking about the little jokes here and there from people that you hear from time to time.... I am talking about the people that are standing on stages in public calling for the killing of someone just because of the color of their skin. I do not hold deep beliefs for my race. I hold deep beliefs for human beings. I wish it were different.... but it just isn't. 

God made us all.... we all sin... we all need Jesus... let's act like it.

No Worries

Ray

Win with the Truth

The person that had been irritating me by spreading defaming and slanderous lies is at it again. I wonder if he thinks that he is above the law just because he is a law enforcement officer...?

Either way, I will have my day in court. As soon as I can, I will file every motion I can to have him removed from my life on a permanent basis. I cannot make him stop dragging my name falsely through the mud... but I CAN make him pay for it. As a law enforcement officer, he knows that making false statements and filing false reports is a crime. In Florida, it is actually a third-degree felony. I suppose that even though he is trained to know the law, it did not stop him from breaking it. I was cleared of EVERY SINGLE accusation that he spewed at me... unfortunately, he will not have the same outcome. I don't have to lie to get the court to decide in my favor... quite the contrary... I just have to tell the truth.

No Worries
Ray ❤

Get The Hammer

There are some people that drive me crazy. They don't drive me crazy because of their personality or the "way" about them. They aggravate me because they are literally pathological in their lies. You tried to nail me to a wall? Well, I got a hammer too... but with truth.

There is a certain "man" that fabricates stories to fit his agenda. He gets a small  (tiny) portion of truth and then adds a ton of twists and turns to give himself the opportunity to be seen as a victim. He refuses to take responsibility for anything he's ever done and then he lies to make things appear differently.

The worst part is he is an officer of the law. This officer also called Child Protective Services on me. (It is called DCF in Florida...) It was very embarrassing for everyone involved but thankfully, it was all lies so the case is already closed.
Next up? I will try to prosecute him to the full extent of the law. I will not be bullied by a "normal" individual... forget being bullied by someone that is intentionally slandering and defaming my name and character.

God... I pray that You help me to forgive... because right now, I don't feel like it.
No Worries
Ray ❤

PS... This guy has NOTHING to do with my daughter OR me... he's just someone that thinks if he pushes hard enough that I will bend. Sorry sucker... in this situation, I'll be an Olympic acrobat! Let's see what I can do WITH THE TRUTH! I don't even need lies.

My Way

There are things that we will never understand. Life has a way of kicking you in the teeth... even when you're down already.

I know people think that 4 months is just long enough for everyone to think I should already be over my dad's death... but, in my experience, that is just not the case. I'm not saying that I haven't adjusted to the pain... but I AM saying that the pain doesn't lessen... I just adapt to it.

Some have called it pathetic... but either way, it's my way of grieving... not theirs. They still have their dad.

No Worries
Ray

Be Enouraged

We are almost to the 4 month mark of my dad's death. Between the deep heartbreak and grief from that and the other emotional and financial stresses... 2015 has been a rough ride for me.

Having said that, I will continue to trust God. It is not always an easy task but it is paramount to my survival.

If someone out there is reading this and is going through something so hard, remember this.... trust God. It may seem impossible or fruitless but I promise that it works and will help when nothing else will.

Be enouraged.
No Worries
Ray

Happy Birthday Pop

So, this is the first birthday without you. You would have been 64 years old. I imagine the phone call that we would have had today.... it would have included me telling you how old you're getting and asking you what you wanted. Of course, you would tell me that you wanted nothing but you would have had some smart and sarcastic remark about me teasing you about your age.
So, I'm taking Olivia to Niagara Falls today. It was one of the best times I can recall us having and it will serve as a remembrance moment for us in the process.
I pray that God helps my brother and sister through today. We all may put a brave face on but, in all honesty, this entire situation has broken our spirits to the very core.

Happy Birthday Pop...
Love you ❤
Ray

Thank You For The Pain

Learning to live again.... learning to love again is something that seems like an impossible task. As I learn to adjust to my new reality, it is always something that reminds me of the worst day of my life. Something always reminds me... something always triggers the tears that sting.
Having said that... I will also say this... I have learned to lean on God (my Heavenly Father) like never before. I cry and I "tell Him all about it." I tell Him how much I miss my dad. I tell Him how I need to know where my dad will spend eternity. I tell Him how I feel like dying on some days to escape from the pain. I also tell Him how grateful I am to Him that He allowed me to have my dad for the time that He did. I thank God that He will teach me to help others through this experience. I thank God that He has allowed me to feel pain (in this way) so that I can relate to Him better, concerning Salvation and the cross.
I love my dad... but more than that, I love God.
Ray ❤

Because I Have No Dad.... That's Why.

The grief is bad enough all by itself. The problem that I am having is the people that ask me questions like.... "So exactly what are you crying about?" I always want to scream, "BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE A DAD.... NO MATTER HOW GOOD OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS AND FOR HOW LONG IT WAS.... I JUST CRY BECAUSE HE IS GONE." But, do I say that? No... I try to make up an acceptable reason that they may or may not accept or understand. This would be longer but this is all I have to say for now.

Ray

Pajama Day

No one is home right now. I am listening to Kari Jobe while doing a few things online. I let my brother use my car to go to work so I am pretty much stuck home right now anyway. It is a little after 10am and I am STILL in my pajamas. Yep... it's one of those kind of days. I have a lot on my mind. I am not exactly focused on the death of my father today... not yet anyway. I am just making mental notes as to what I need to get done today. 

I haven't turned the tv on today because I know that if I do, I will end up wasting my entire day watching pointless reality shows that are anything BUT reality. I wish they would make one that resembled the lives that most of us live. I guess that wouldn't be that interesting then, eh?

One Day At A Time...

Ray

In The Moment

Since my dad's passing, I have learned some pretty difficult lessons. I have learned things that I never wanted to learn. I have felt pain that I didn't know was possible. Having said that, I have also learned some lessons that were meant to learn in my life.

At first, the grief counselor asked me to find positive things about his death. I thought that she was crazy and insensitive. I remember telling her what I thought of her at that moment as well. She didn't waiver or get upset with me. She encouraged me to look for the positive even if it felt impossible. Now that the 2 month mark is almost here, I have found some positive points about the situation... not his death... but the situation that I found myself in after his death.

I have learned that even though I made HUGE mistakes after his death, I also have shown growth and strength as well. I have found a deeper love for people and God. I have found that I stop more often to look at the trees swaying in the breeze... not because I am planning on being a meteorologist... but because I take the time to appreciate the wind and the trees. I appreciate the moment that I am in. Let me be clear... I do not always LIKE the moment that I am experiencing... but I am learning to appreciate that I am still alive to experience it at all.

I love my dad... and miss him terribly. I also love those people that I come in contact with and cherish the time that I still have with them.

Ray 

Pretending

Living without a portion of your heart is ridiculously difficult. I lost my dad on January 22nd and most of the time it feels like my heart will explode. I have made many mistakes throughout this experience.... who am I kidding? I STILL am making mistakes in how I handle certain situations. Sometimes, I pretend that it didn't happen. Then, there are times that I pick my phone up to tell him something or to check on him and I bust out into tears because that moment of the realization that he is not here all over again is excruciating. 

I don't cry in front of too many people. I have began to smile and laugh again.... usually it is not because I feel like it... it is more because it is a requirement to scare away any attention that would require me to explain the pain that I experience on a regular basis.

I am better in my adjustment than I was before.... but I am pretending that I am doing better than what I really am.

I would love to sign off with the NO WORRIES tag line... but it is too soon to even pretend that I am not thoroughly freaked out in my emotions by this whole thing.

I miss you pop... it is with a heavy heart that I type every word.

Love you...

Ray ♥

Eulogy

Dear Dad,

I have written you what seems to be a thousand times this week. I think I know what to say but then it gets all jumbled up and I have to redo it. Then a countless amount of people tell me how I should remember you in a certain way publicly and I wouldn't feel right doing it that way…. Then some say you would want a celebration and no tears but you’re not here to tell me what to do so I guess I can do this however I want. I have always had a rebellious streak in me. So, I am going to go with this…

Some people have dads that they get along with for their entire lives. It’s almost like some fathers and daughters dance through the tulips their whole lives. You and I were definitely not like that. We fought a lot in my younger years. I was always right, of course.

But, as I got older, I realized that there may have been some times that you were right… you just expressed your point in a way that I couldn't understand at the time. As the grandkids got older, I saw a softer side of you. A side that included a nurturing way about you…. A side that included an unconditional loving way about you. In that, the past 5 years or so have gotten a lot better between you and I. We learned how to appreciate one another for who we were instead of trying to change each other.

Many people had those “perfect” dads… but let’s not blow smoke… those dads have their quirks, faults, and failures too. One thing that I can say is that when I was young, you did something for me that many dads do not take the time to do… you taught me to trust God. I did not understand what that meant when you taught that to me. So many things had went wrong in life… but you would just remind me to trust God. Even when I would get mad at God, you would tell me to trust Him… and quite frankly, I thought you were losing it. But, as I have grown to trust God in all things… I am faced with learning this lesson with this situation too. I don’t like it. But, when people ask me, “What would your dad want you to do?” I know your answer… “He would want me to trust God.”

So, we may both have had some rough patches in our relationship… we may have had some times that we felt disconnected… but there will always be the connection in this… you taught me to serve God before anyone or anything else. I am not perfect in that… but, in my eyes, you were perfect for teaching that to me.

I love you…. Always have…. Always will….

Ray

1 Month Mark

Today marks a month since my dad passed away. I can confidentially say that this has been the worst month of my entire 32 year life. In one way, I got to today in a blink of an eye... but when I was going through those first tormenting days, it felt like the longest days ever.

What have I learned? Many things...
Some things that were really important to me aren't as important anymore. Then other things that weren't that important have become infinitely more important to me. I learned that my body has no threshold on how many tears it can produce either.

I love you dad and genuinely miss you every moment of every day.

Ray

Dodge It

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is my dad's funeral. I don't know what to think.... I do not know what to say. This is a pain that is worse than any pain I have ever felt in my life and I have been through some really tough moments in life.

I do not know how this is ever going to feel better. My dad and I had many problems in the past. But, in the past 5 year, or so, we have made so many leaps and bounds towards a normal and healthy relationship. Right now, I am supposed to be writing his eulogy, but I don't want to have to do that so I am doing everything possible to dodge that task.

Please pray for me as I am not doing well at all.
I usually sign off as "No Worries".... but that would seem just wrong to me right now.... so, I'll try this.


Love you Dad
Ray

Nothing Matters... He's Dead

I was consumed with school work and all that goes with it... until the afternoon of the 22nd. My phone rang and there was a woman that said I needed to get to the hospital immediately. I wasn't sure why but I threw my shoes on and got there ASAP. I walked up and saw the EMS doing CPR on someone.... I immediately went into tears and I buckled to the ground. THAT WAS MY DAD!
Without going into detail, after an hour and a half of them trying to get his heart beating again... he passed away.

I have never felt pain like this in my life. I am devestated. I am perplexed and grieving. I can't sleep... I can't eat... I'm numb... yet the pain pierces through the numb feeling and the sobbing starts again.

Nothing feels important anymore. I feel lost. I want my daddy back.

Smaller Portions Is The Trick.... I Think....

I am reading all these books that are making me continually be in an attitude of self-introspection. It makes me look at my motives and intentions. I am trying to do what I can to live my life but somehow, this has been very hard on me. It is difficult to admit fault in any area of my life. I suppose that would be my pride rearing its head up in my life. On the other hand, I do try and change what I can when confronted with something that wouldn’t be pleasing to God. As I read these books, I feel like each book has 10 or more things that I must master or, at the very least, get out of my life completely. I feel like there are many good things that these books can convey but maybe in a smaller portion.

No Worries

Ray

I Know I Know.... But I'm Scared

I am a Christian. As a Christian, I have been taught that I should go to church regularly to "fellowship" with other believers. I have been a Christian for quite some time, so I have been involved in plenty of the church politics that are involved. I have seen people rise from the preverbal ashes and then I have also seen the mighty fall from grace. There was a time in my life that when someone fell, it would rock my faith. I would look suspiciously at all Christians. I felt like everyone was being fake or were hiding some huge secret sin that would ultimately end up hurting me all over again. So, I stayed away. I still read the Bible at home… I still tried to be loving to those around me… I still believed that Jesus died on the cross and rose again…. But the church part was not a part of my life. For a long time, it didn’t bother me at all. I knew all the problems that I was not having to see and be touched by. I knew the negative would not be able to affect me as long as I wasn’t there.

Here’s the problem that I have now. All of a sudden, I am studying to be a psychologist while minoring in Christian counseling. Do you see the problem yet? I want to counsel and help people but those are the exact people that I am afraid to be around! Now, let me be clear… I do not think that it is every Christian. I do not think that it is even MOST Christians… but the ones that screw up REALLY know how to do it well. My major problem is with the Pastors. I am supposed to submit to their authority and I don’t know their personal lives well enough to actually extend any type of trust.

I know, I know…. Just ask God to direct me. I know…. Just go somewhere until I learn about the pastor. I know… just worry about myself. I know… don’t let the past dictate the future. I know I know I know I know…. But it is difficult to tell your heart to open up again.

No Worries

Ray