Can't Afford The Little Things

My daughter really wanted a book. The author was going to be at the school today to sign the books. But, since I do not make enough money, I was unable to purchase the book. I know that Olivia will love me no matter what... but I can't help but have tears in my eyes and know that I can't provide like I would like to for her. She doesn't get all the cool toys like everyone else... she doesn't get a dad like everyone else... she doesn't even have her own room or own bed-- (we still share)... and it is things like this that throw my emotions for a loop.

I do my best... but sometimes, a Walmart job that gives 32 hours MAX a week and pays $7.55 and hour is not enough. Oh how I hate that I cannot afford to give her the little wants in life...

This is just on my heart and mind today... forgive me.

No Worries

Ray

Untitled Poetry

This is an untitled poem I wrote on 11/09/11... I woke up with the first stanza in my head... about 5 minutes later, the poem was done. I haven't written poetry in a VERY long time... but it felt good to get this out on paper. Enjoy!

If there is a way
For me to show you Christ
It should mostly be shown
In how I live my life

The words that I speak
Are important, it's true
But the way I act is more...
And how I love you

If He cares for me
Even when I'm down
Then who am I to judge
Who He will turn around?

Oh be careful little lips
What you say-
For you will be judged harshly
On that day

The very intentions of my heart
He knows and sees
So create in me a clean heart
And I promise to always believe

He died for us
In a horrible manner
So that we could see
That love is His banner

If there is a way
For me to show you Christ
It should mostly be shown
In how I live my life

Dead Dog

Olivia was attacked by a dog today... not just ANY dog... MY OWN dog. I will be killing him today. Liv is doing better. It was an unprovoked attack. He bit her stomach, the top of her head, and drug her around by her hair.
God Himself was looking after my baby today... I KNOW it could have been worse. We just got back from the hospital... she had a Cat Scan done and has been put on antibiotics.
I love NO animal enough to spare it's life after such a display of stupidity.
Thank You Jesus for Your protection.
No Worries
Ray

Blogging on the go

I want to shoot out a quick blog that I am writing from a horizontal position. I am currently laying in bed. I didn't know that there was a Blogger App for the Droid OS! Oh happy day!
Now that I have discovered this handy-dandy app, I will assume that I will be running my poor battery down even more than I already do.
Ok kids, let's see if I can keep up with this again.
No Worries
Ray

If I Was As Mean As You

I have been thinking... and when I do that, I start writing. I have gotten so much bad feedback... I think I am just going to go ahead and quit living for God. I am going to go back to doing drugs, drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol, sleeping with random people, and just all around being an ignorant person. Whatcha think?

After writing that, I wonder if that is what people WANT me to do. The only part of that paragraph that is true is that I am getting TONS of negative feedback. I think of it this way... If you don't like it... then don't like it. I don't go onto people's Facebook and post things I don't like about their lifestyle... What do you think would happen if I left a couple messages like this.....

"Stop being a fake person... tell the world you have had an STD since high school!!"

"I don't think that your mom would be proud of you for giving yourself away for that crack!"

"You are mean to people because you can't deal with that fact that your husband left you for another man!"

See how rude that would be?? But, I can say this one thing... I did have a good time writing this one. I should start thinking more often!! I am not sorry that I gave my life to Christ. I am not sorry that I have a past. I am not sorry that I refuse to conform back to an everyday chaos. The only thing I AM sorry for is that it took me this long to figure out that in order to get myself together... was to become undone in the presence of my King.

No Worries

Ray

P.S. No hate mail please... I didn't say your name publicly... ;)

Arrogant People

I hate arrogance. When someone is full of themselves, I cringe. It is something that I truly cannot stand. So imagine my surprise when I figured out that I was the chief of the arrogant tribe! I shook my fleshly fist at an Almighty God. He didn't do what I would have done. I would have zapped me with a lightning bolt. I wouldn't be here if I was God. So, my question to myself was this... "Why am I trying to ACT like God?"

For those that read this, please understand that I never meant to act like this. I just became self-justified in my emotions. When you let your emotions rule what you say and how you act, you will eventually become an arrogant person.

I have found that I can not throw a little Jesus on my dysfunction and call it radical Christianity. I want to BE ok.. not just look ok.

So, on my old journey with new vision... bare with me... I am working hard to make HIM happy.

No Worries

Ray

Just for fun!!!

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Letter to Jesus

Dear J,

I needed to tell you a few things. I still love you. You have always been and forever are the man that holds my heart. We spent so much time together in the past. I remember when I would wake up in the morning and you would already have fresh bread waiting for me. I always enjoyed that time that we spent together the most.

I remember when you would protect me from anyone that tried to harm me. You always made sure that I was ok. You made sure that I knew that there was nothing, not even giving your own life that you wouldn’t do for me.

Do you remember when we would sit and talk outside when I sat next to the fire? I know that there were some times that I would drink too much—and even though you didn’t like me to do that, you would still be right by my side. You would still talk me through the rough spots.

I needed to tell you that I am not sure if we can ever be together again… I would like to try, but I don’t think that I am ready right now. I hope that the time comes that we can at least start talking again… then maybe we can communicate enough to rekindle this relationship.

I know that I broke up with you over your family… I don’t think that it was the right thing to do—but I hope that you understand that you have some people in your family that are just nuts. Even though I know and trust that you would have eventually stepped in and set things straight with them… the pressure that they were creating was unbearable. I understand that I didn’t talk to you about it before I left you—but I hope that you understand that I was just trying to save myself before they totally destroyed me.

I am still afraid of what your family can do to someone like me. If the time comes that we both can come together in a relationship, I hope that you can talk to them in a convincing manner and let them know that I am not up for sacrifice. I want them to know that I may not be someone that has been in your life for a long time… but if we get back together, I want you to make it clear that I am just as important to you as they are.

If you want to talk to me about this… you know where I will be. And again, thank you for who you are… because even though I am afraid of being back in a relationship with you… I still love you… and I know that you will always love me too.

Ray Ray

First Day Of Work

I couldn't sleep the night before my first day. I kept having dreams that my ride didn't show up. I would spring out of bed and be up for a few hours. I finally fell asleep and my alarm went off. I didn't hear it though... not that I remember anyway. My roommate walked in my room about a half hour later and asked when I was getting up. OMG... good thing I set it for WAY before I was supposed to be there.

I jumped out of bed "ninja style" and quickly went to the laundry room. I threw Olivia's clothes in the dryer so that they would be warm when I woke her up. I then scurried across the house to try and find the iron. I ironed my clothes and jumped in the shower. After getting the shampoo in my eyes... I remembered that I forgot to wake Olivia up. "Great... my eyes are stinging out of my head and my daughter is still sleeping."

I quickly rinsed off... forgot to condition my hair... jumped out... dried off... put... on... my.... I LEFT MY CLOTHES ACROSS THE HOUSE!!! (But I didn't have a towel that would fully hide my goodies... so I had to yell for someone to bring them to me.)

After that fiasco, I got Olivia up and brushed my teeth. *Looking down* HOW DID I GET TOOTHPASTE ON MY ONLY WORK SHIRT?? (Note to self: this is why I should brush my teeth in the shower like Rachel Richardson does!!!)

I got it off as well as I could and my ride finally arrived. I kissed Olivia... told her to have a great day and to not miss the bus... and off I went.

I finally arrived at the Wal-Mart at 7:50... I had 10 minutes to breathe before I went in there. My nerves are shot... I am tired... but I have a job. I am here! I am here! I am here!

I spent the next 8 hours staring at a computer screen. I listened to audio and video clips for a wide range of topics. It showed anything from how to wash your hands... to why Wal-Mart associates don't need to join a union.

My day would seem like it went all wrong... it would seem that things were not on my side from the start... but if you look closer... you will see a genuine smile on my face. I HAVE A JOB!!!

No Worries

Ray

Still Fat

I was so excited and full of energy when I was eating correctly and exercising. Now? Ugh...

I lost weight and then went to Baltimore... then came home and was still out of my "groove"... I have gained back all but 5 pounds.

In the journey of weight loss, I was thinking that I would just make the decision and BAM (like Emeril)... I would do it. But, this is NOT how it has turned out.

I have applied at the neighborhood YMCA for a scholarship because I cannot afford to just pay the regular rate.

Why am I disclosing this? Not because I am not embarrassed about it... because I am. But, I know that if I am not honest with myself and others... I will never be able to attain OR maintain my goal.

SOOOO.... there it is... I am still fat... I need to start again... but such is life.

No Worries

Ray

Laughed Until You Cried?? Try Laughing Until YOU PEE!!!

I try not to use public restrooms... for two reasons... #1- I don't want anyone to hear me use the restroom. #2- I don't want to hear anyone else use the restroom.

Fast forward with me now to the local Wal-Mart... I had to go the second I left the house- but since I was not driving, I couldn't turn around. It was about 8pm... we had eaten dinner and now my bladder was VERY ready to explode. I knew I would have to go when I got to the store- but, I was hoping that it would just go away until I came back home.

We pull up in the parking lot and I KNOW that I will have to go while I am in the store... I can't hold it anymore!!! (side note: this has happened to me since I was prego with my daughter.) I calmly walk inside the store... I am not doing any sort of pee dance or anything- but I am behind a woman that looks like she is!!

Of course, my luck, we are BOTH headed to the same bathroom. So, I go to the one ALLLLLL the way on the end... (somewhere in my head, that means no one will hear me pee I guess).... I neatly spread one ply squares of toilet paper on the toilet seat and then I begin to hover. I have to go soooo bad but it seems like my body is being a little shy... it actually HURTS to hold your pee until someone makes a noise.

As I am contemplating when I am going to let the first trickle out... I CLEARLY hear the lady FAKING A COUGH TO COVER UP THE LOUD GAS SHE IS LETTING OUT. If you have ever met me, you know that if I think something is funny-- I WILL LAUGH.

SCCOORREEEE!!! I begin to giggle... almost like someone is tickling me! I tried to stop but I couldn't help but notice that between HER FARTS and MY GIGGLING... NO ONE COULD HEAR ME PEE!!!

The woman then decides that it is a good idea to say, "I'm so sorry... it's just running right through me." I am NO LONGER AMUSED... I continued to giggle a little and said, "We all do it." But, I have to admit that she made me feel strange by speaking to me while she was obviously in a VERY embarrassing moment.

Moral of the story?? Laugh hysterically EVERY TIME YOU GO IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM! (No one will hear you... and you won't hear them!)

No Worries

Ray

Open and Honest

This one might be a little hard for me to actually get out. I am actually on the fence about writing it at all... but, in the light of being forthright and open with who I am... here I go.

I should be happy... I have a daughter that I obviously adore, I just got a job, I do not participate in things that are "bad" for me anymore... keyword- SHOULD.

I have found that the closer I draw the 30 (and no, I will NOT repeat something so profane again) I see that there are things that I wanted to do by now that seem impossible. I have conversations with my daughter and end up upset at the outcome of some of those conversations. I wanted to be married... I wanted to have a career (not just a job).... I wanted to be an author... I wanted to help people on a daily basis... I wanted to have my own home... My own car... I wanted good credit- but hey, I would settle for ok credit at this point. (Which on a side note.. my credit is so bad that I get "pre-declined" credit cards... lol)

I said all of this because these are things that I don't normally talk about to anyone... but I have found that holding it in is not doing well on my emotions... so, here it is. I am not content. I am living a life that I wish wasn't mine. I covet other people's lives... I have no idea how to explain the torture that this feels like.... it is what my life has become.

I see people divorcing all around me... I see people losing jobs... wars starting... faithful becoming faithless... honesty becoming relative to situations instead of it just being the truth... confusion plaguing my and my daughter's mind about religion and all that jazz.... It is everything that I didn't want... and now it is on my doorstep- banging on the door... demanding my attention. I just wish that hope was on my doorstep banging louder.

Take it or leave it... but it is what it is right now.

No Worries

Ray

Good Luck?

So, I went to the interview and it went VERY well. I ended up getting the job... as A BAKER! I have no idea how to bake... so, I am glad they will teach me the in's and out's of the business.

That isn't what I wanted to blog about though... it was after the interview that I wanted to discuss. In order to work for Wal-Mart, you must pass a drug test. Years ago, that would have been a hurdle for me to get over... but present day? Nope.. clean pee here!

I had to go over to the local walk-in clinic and pee in the cup. You have to empty your pockets- they check to see if you have anything in your mouth- they turn the water off... and your not even allowed to flush or wash your hands afterwards until they give you the all clear.

The man was VERY tall... he took my "specimen" and let me wash my hands and get my cell phone. He then said, "Good Luck!"... I looked at him and said, "I don't need luck for this test... I don't do drugs." He looked at me so strange... like I am the only one that has ever taken a drug test and not been worried.

This makes me feel like I should move to an area that is not plagued with drug addicts... I would move next to my friend Christina- but she just posted that she thinks she lives next door to a drug dealer....

All in all... I got a job and I passed a test... ALL IN ONE DAY!!!

No Worries

Ray

Comedian

I have an interview tomorrow at the local Wal-Mart. I am excited at the prospect of getting this job. I need it more than I can explain in any amount of words. When the manager called me the other day, she asked if I was still interested in the position. I gave a hearty "YES" as if she should have already known how desperate I have become. She then asked me if I would like to schedule an interview and I replied, "Well, we could forgo that process and I would let you hire me over the phone." She seemed to think that was funny (when deep down, I REALLY MEANT IT)... I asked her what I should wear and she seemed a little thrown by that question... so, I calmly told her why I asked... "I asked because I can wear the blue shirt and some jeans and just start on Monday if you would like."

I got another laugh (this time a little more sincere) and she said she liked my sense of humor. I hope that this goes well... because if it doesn't, I don't think I can be an unemployed comedian for long.

No Worries

Ray

One Hundred Pounds

So, if you have seen me in the last 9 years- you know that I have gained A LOT of weight. Most of the time I end up making jokes that are EXTREMELY inappropriate about myself to take the edge off of how I really feel about it. But, this year is going to be different.

I started eating healthy and counting calories. I am eating about 6 times a day now. I eat even when I am not hungry. The difference is now I am eating broccoli and carrots for my snacks instead of whatever I was eating before. I have "cheated" a couple times... but having said that, I am not going to live my life and say I am NEVER going to eat things that are bad for me ever again. I had pizza last night and today I walked it off. I eat MOSTLY healthy. I usually don't go out to eat but when I do- I pick the healthy choices. I also don't feel the need to pick something that has the food because now I eat so much-- I have no need to eat a lot at ANY time of the day.

So, I eat egg whites and turkey sausage with no fat cheese and 1/2 cup of potatoes on most mornings... but I've also fallen in love with Dunkin' Donuts new flatbread breakfast choices. I eat a lot of salad but with healthier choices on the dressing... but if I really want one of the bad ones, I just use less of it.

The secret to my 12 pound loss in 23 days is that I am not going to kill myself by doing this... If I want something that is not healthy- then I have it. I just keep myself disciplined to work it off that day or the day after. I want to be healthy... I want to shop in stores without wondering if they have a "Misses" section. (For those of you that don't know... that is code for PLUS SIZES.)

My goal is 100 pounds this year... and so far, I am wayyyy ahead of schedule... but I am not going to slack off... I am going to do this.. because it is the best choice for me and my daughter.

No Worries

Ray

Liar- Liar- Pants On Fire

I feel like the last few months have been some sort of boot camp training for parenting in the teen years. I thought that I had nipped a few things in the butt (literally)... I thought we were done with the phase... but we're not.

I got Olivia's report card yesterday-- but I knew she got great grades so I let her go over her grandma's house before looking at it. Last night, I forgot to look at it... but today- the light bulb came on and I went to get it. I opened it up in some weird frenzy... I saw A... A... A... A... A... A... B. I didn't like the B- especially because she is not in gifted anymore... if you can get straight A's in gifted then you should ACE regular school. But, I didn't even have time to process all that information because my attention was drawn to the outer comment box....

"34 MISSING HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS"

I've got to be reading this wrong... I took another glance... Nope... my eyes are not deceiving me. I automatically assume that there is a typo. I call Olivia at her grandma's house to see what could have happened.

"Hi Mommy... whatcha doing?" Olivia's sweet little voice comes over the phone and I can't help but smile. I answer her question, "I just got done looking at your report card." She says, "Oh yeah?? Are you proud of me?" I now KNOW that this MUST be a mistake... as she had no fear in her voice.

I then begin to discuss the "typo" with her. I quickly realize that she is hiding something. She starts pausing when trying to answer my questions about homework. She agreed that it MUST be a typo. But, my mommy-dar went off and I continued to probe into her answers... then the story changes ever-so-slightly... but enough to tell me that she is not telling me the whole truth. I again ask about the homework but this time, I word it a little differently and throw in that I think I want to call her teacher on Monday... BAM... here comes the truth.

When I asked her every single day if she had homework she ALWAYS replied, "Yes, I did... but I already did it in school." I never thought that the words that were coming out of her mouth were lies. I never thought that MY daughter would lie straight to my face.... furthermore, I NEVER thought that she would be able to lie and I not know immediately about it. I was so wrong. I wish I wasn't... but I was so very wrong.

She lied to me. She lied every single day when she said she did it at school. She lied when she said she thought it was a typo... she lied when she said she MUST have thrown it out when she was cleaning the room... she lied... she lied... and she lied some more.

I am so mad... but more than that.. I am so hurt. I am disappointed. I have raised a liar? I'm not a liar... how could this have happened right under my nose? If this is any indication as to my parenting skills... I am in big trouble.

I've never dealt with this type of situation before. Ugh...

The silver lining? She missed 34 homework assignments and STILL managed to get all A's and one B. But I would rather her fail every class and be honest... but that may be just me.

No Worries

Ray

I've Given Birth To A What??

2011 is here. How in the world did we get here so soon? I remember trying to make deals with God when I was younger... "God, please let me drive a car before you come back... God, please let me graduate before you come back..." Now, I have my own 9 year old that is making the same deals with Him. It is the strangest feeling.

So, my daughter is now 9... as of New Year's Eve 2010.... and this is the last year in single digits. I look at my growing girl as she begs for "big girl" stuff. I couldn't bring myself to buy her a training bra... but her Grandma sure could. When my daughter put it on... well, she seemed like she was glowing. I try and think of a time that I LOVED wearing one... and I come up empty every time. I try and fling that thing off at every chance I get... geeze, a girl has to have some freedom, right? But not my lil one... she is so excited.

I understand that is isn't status quo for me to talk about my daughter or my undergarments... but I said all of that to say this one thing. My baby isn't a baby anymore. She will ALWAYS be my baby... but there is something about my child that is growing up... she is still a cuddle bug... she still tells me that she loves me... but I know that sooner or later she will become one of those crazy beasts I've seen on tv.... you know what I mean, right? A TEENAGER!!!!

I am NOT ready for this.... and I will end this entry like I do every other one... but believe me... I don't mean it this time.

No Worries

Ray