This one might be a little hard for me to actually get out. I am actually on the fence about writing it at all... but, in the light of being forthright and open with who I am... here I go.
I should be happy... I have a daughter that I obviously adore, I just got a job, I do not participate in things that are "bad" for me anymore... keyword- SHOULD.
I have found that the closer I draw the 30 (and no, I will NOT repeat something so profane again) I see that there are things that I wanted to do by now that seem impossible. I have conversations with my daughter and end up upset at the outcome of some of those conversations. I wanted to be married... I wanted to have a career (not just a job).... I wanted to be an author... I wanted to help people on a daily basis... I wanted to have my own home... My own car... I wanted good credit- but hey, I would settle for ok credit at this point. (Which on a side note.. my credit is so bad that I get "pre-declined" credit cards... lol)
I said all of this because these are things that I don't normally talk about to anyone... but I have found that holding it in is not doing well on my emotions... so, here it is. I am not content. I am living a life that I wish wasn't mine. I covet other people's lives... I have no idea how to explain the torture that this feels like.... it is what my life has become.
I see people divorcing all around me... I see people losing jobs... wars starting... faithful becoming faithless... honesty becoming relative to situations instead of it just being the truth... confusion plaguing my and my daughter's mind about religion and all that jazz.... It is everything that I didn't want... and now it is on my doorstep- banging on the door... demanding my attention. I just wish that hope was on my doorstep banging louder.
Take it or leave it... but it is what it is right now.
No Worries
Ray
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt's never too late to start going after what you wanted again, or at least some of it a little at a time...well maybe unless you are like 69 years old. That might be a little too late. :P
@Rachel and Christina....It's never too late as long as there is breath in your body and a goal in your heart. I am a living example of that. At just turning 55, I am constantly thinking of new endeavors for myself and asking God how to get to them.Do I have much money....no....do I have a mate....no....am I gonna be single and having to share a living space with someelse like i have to now because of no funds...who knows. But one thing I do know, God always makes a way where there is no way and he always will.Be of good cheer Ray and know that things could change over night and others take a little longer.All in God's time......Lots of Love sent to you....:)Mom
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way all the tome ray...u arent alone! -jenny f
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