Side Note

Well, the start of college was one that I would love to forget. I walked into my Anatomy and Physiology class and immediately felt my blood pressure go up. *Side note: cramps*... Anyway, this class has 45 of the brightest minds in it... HA! I looked around and was surrounded by high school students that were so excited to be there. I sat down near the window so that I could have reception to update my Facebook before the class started. As I sat there, more people began to trickle in. They were talking so loud that I could hear them talking about the party that they attended the night before. All I could think is that I had been up since 4am working on my online class... followed by getting Olivia ready for school... then rushing to class myself. Who has time for that??

A grown woman walked in with her friend. They also looked like they were out partying all night... then again, they looked like they hadn't finished yet. The hair on these women would have kept my attention if I hadn't been distracted by her Tinkerbell book bag. (Which I would like to add that Olivia had the same one last year!!)

All in all... I felt more comfortable as I sat there for about 15 minutes. I looked at the people that I would be sharing this class with and though I do not think of myself as some scholar... I figured that if these jokers could do this... ANYONE, INCLUDING ME could.

The professor walked in very quietly. He looked like a professor. He introduced himself as Dr. Adams... "I'm actually a biologist." *Side note: cramps* As he began his mantra on all things college... I began to remember that I didn't take any Motrin before I left the house. I was thinking about Olivia and how she was doing on her first day. I thought about the stupid book bag... I thought about the Sociology class I was doing at 4am... and I was thinking about jumping out of the window that was so very close to me. WAKE UP RACHEL!! I hate when I do this. I can't stay focused. My mind began to race as I stared at "Dr. Adams"...

I know he thought that I was probably the most attentive student in there today... but I only caught every 4th word. "Blah blah blah study.... blah blah blah grades... blah blah blah difficult..."

Alright, so I will fast forward an hour and a half to the next class. I don't have to reintroduce anyone because I HAVE THE STINKIN' DOCTOR FOR THE LAB TOO!!! Honestly, I heard more in this class. He said dissecting a rat next week... and 300 terms by next week. *Side note: cramps* By this time, I thought my legs were going to fall off. Why?? DID YOU SEE MY SIDE NOTES??? Also, in the lab we have to sit on these metal bar stools that pull up to the lab tables. They do not promote anything other than bad posture and a sore butt. Due to my problems that were mounting during this class, I decided to leave. I left about 20 minutes early. We were having "study time" anyway. I can study on a soft, plush chair... AFTER I TAKE SOME MEDICINE!!! So, my brother came and got me. He's a good boy!! He even had some Motrin in hand!! YAY!!!

Needless to say, I studied all afternoon. I was soooo rankin' stankin' tired!! I don't know what is anterior or posterior to one another!! I don't know what is distal versus proximal!! What I do know is this... I hate EVE!! No where in the AP book did it talk about the pain that we, as women, must endure FOR NO REASON!!! So, sorry DOCTOR ADAMS if I don't care how close my thorax is to my posterior...

Hey, wait a minute.... I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

No Worries

Ray

Back to School

Olivia is starting the third grade tomorrow. I am excited that she loves to learn... but, I have to be honest and say that I hate when she comes home from school upset because of the mean kids. She has thick glasses because her vision is so bad-- so, the kids tend to be really rough on her. She is a very emotionally sensitive child. Sometimes I have to just lay with her and let her cry until she feels better... it infuriates me! Too bad I can't just go slap some kids!!

On a little different note, tomorrow I start back to college as well. I am a little nervous because I procrastinate everything... so, when someone like myself has a timeline that things HAVE to be done... I tend to flounder a bit. I guess I will have to use my time wisely.

I have taken some time off of writing in here because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say worth reading... but, then I figured out that I don't ever feel like I do... so, I sat down and just wrote this little addition.

No Worries

Ray

Long Time Coming

Last night, I did something that I haven't done, in what seems to be, forever. I went to an old friend's house. We talked about everything and nothing-- all at the same time. I guess when you haven't talked to someone in a long time-- the things that seem mundane to one, will seem like a good story to another. It was so strange.

I have been going through CRAZY emotions while Olivia is gone. I feel like I have no purpose without her being here. I've been walking around the house in some weird depression because of it. I feel like I have been wandering through this week. I have no one to make breakfast for... or check on for lunch. I actually went to a friend's house and didn't have to worry about if Olivia woke up and couldn't find me.

I'm writing this because I found that this is something that might just be a good thing for me. When one only finds purpose in one thing... I think it might just be possible to lose yourself in the other things that you were created for.

I got to speak in to other's lives and they got to speak into mine. It was a very encouraging time. I had a realllly good cup of coffee... some great laughs... wonderful fellowship.... wow, I should have left the confines of my room a long time ago!

No Worries

Ray

What Did I Do?

I thought it would be a good idea for my daughter to experience new things. I also thought it would be a good idea to let her have a vacation on her summer break. In light of these two things, I let her go to North Carolina without me. I know that she is being taken care of... I know that she is having a wonderful time... but, I'm not so sure mommy is ok. I am so very attached, like I should be, to my daughter. I feel like I have no purpose without her. I don't have anyone to take care of. There is also no one that wants anything from me. It is such a strange feeling. I am not so sure that this was the best idea. Waking up in the morning without my Livy is like waking up for no reason.

I want my baby back!!

No Worries

Ray

Better to Give...

I have had writer's block. I have plenty of things that happen on a daily basis, but it seems that lately, so many things are happening that I can't really put most of them into words. I've never experienced this before. I mean, look at what I am doing!! I am writing about not being able to write. THAT IS A PROBLEM!! Oh, something just popped in my head... and though I want this to flow and I SHOULD delete this section... I just spent a whopping 35 seconds on it... so, I'm leaving it!

I had someone call me and tell me that they needed me to fix their computer. So, I decided that I was going to do it. See, there was a catch. I know that this family is having a hard financial time right now. That tells me that I am not going to charge anything except for what it will cost me to pick the computer up and drop it back off when I am done. So, we agreed on $20. It covered the gas in the car that I had to borrow in order to go over there. This was a really aggravating computer job. I am not saying that because of the circumstances... this computer was just a pain in the butt! The CD-ROM didn't work... so, reformatting was a task. I had to take a couple other computers apart so that I could have one that worked and a cable long enough to hook it up. Then, I had to put the hard drive back in her computer and then update all of the Windows files (because it was now starting from scratch.)

Needless to say, this took about 6 1/2 hours because of all the things that had to go into it. The strange thing is this; I actually enjoyed it! I didn't enjoy the time consumption. I didn't enjoy when the computer would not respond to my commands... but, going to drop the computer off was wonderful. The look on individual's faces is the best when you give them something that they really want.

Moral of the story?? Help other's every time you get the chance... the reward will always be yours.

No Worries

Ray

God Loves Fags

I have many questions floating around in my head. There is one that pops up more than the others though... it is this: Why do people that claim to be "Christian", want to point fingers at other's faults and failures, rather than point at Christ and His saving Grace? A friend on Facebook wrote a little about this recently and it only confirmed that I am not the only one that thinks that this, not only wrong, but unacceptable. When was the last person converted to Christianity by making them feel like dirt? I would like the chapter and verse that would tell the "Christian" to do so.

Though I understand that every Christian is commissioned to preach the gospel... and though many Christians are taught to not tolerate sin-- when has it become the acceptable practice to beat people down with the pointer finger?

Jeremiah loved his people. He loved Judah. But, he loved God more. God told him to say some things that were going to be taken very harshly... but, it didn't stop him from saying them. The difference between him and "Christians" of today is the heart behind what is being said.

Am I the only person that thinks the people on the side of the road that have signs that say "God Hates Fags", are completely ridiculous? Hate the sin... love the sinner. Why is it that we are willing to hate other's sins more than we hate our own? Just because someone is pointing a finger doesn't mean that it puts some invisibility cloak on... so that no one will see theirs. But, it seems to me that these are the people that I keep meeting.

I wonder what would happen if I went on the side of the road and made a sign that said, "God LOVES Fags just like HE LOVES YOU!"..... I bet someone would throw something at me! And when I got up from the ground, I would probably see one of those cute Jesus fishies on the back of the offending car.

No Worries

Ray

Umbrella?

There is no way that I will recant. I will not say that God is not for me... I know that He is. But, just because that is true doesn't mean that it won't rain. Finances are something that can take it's toll on any human being... but, this time it is this human being. The transmission just blew out of the only car our family has. We were already cutting it very close with the regular bills... and now this. I am not saying that I haven't shed tears over this... that would be a lie. I am just trying to be level headed right now. I am trying to just look straight ahead and not get too frustrated. Ever since I had surgery, I haven't been able to find a job. Ugh....

It's like I am standing outside watching the clouds roll in. It rains on the just and the unjust, right? I just wish I could find my umbrella.

No Worries

Ray

No One Will Ever Know I Didn't Brush My Teeth!

My Livy Lu is a wonderful child. She is so very smart... she is the apple of my eye... she makes me laugh... she makes me love... and she ALWAYS listens to me. Ok, all those are true except for the last. Lately, she is going through this thing that requires her to IGNORE what I am saying. I tell her to do something and it's like before it gets to her ears-- it twists into the opposite. I rarely spank her... but, I am not saying that I won't. Today, I had to give her a spanking. It was so irritating to know that all she had to do was 3 little things and the whole situation could have been avoided. But would Livy listen?? Of course not... I give her everything that I can... you would think that she would be skipping around joyfully- just waiting to do EXACTLY what I say. But, since I am not in Heaven just yet... she has days like today.

I know that she is intelligent enough to comprehend what I am telling her to do. I know that she has the life skills to follow through on the small tasks I put before her.

Example:

Me: "Olivia, put your shoes on. Brush your teeth and brush your hair."

Olivia: "Yes ma'am."

Me: *thinking that she listened*

I find about 15 minutes later that Livy Lu is on the computer with the SAME crazy bed-head hair and no shoes on.

Me: "Why do you ignore what I tell you? No shoes... No hair brushed... did you brush your teeth?"

Olivia: "I'll go brush my hair now. I couldn't find my shoes... and I am chewing minty gum right now so no one will know I didn't brush them."

DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH??? I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia. I love Olivia.

No Worries

Ray

With You.... Or Without You

I have been faced with something that I am not sure what to do with. Usually, I try and have something to say or at least an opinion on various subjects... but this one hit a little too close to home for me to be able to figure out what I think. So, I am just going to think through it in public... let's see how this goes.

I have a friend that I have known for years. This person has been through so many things with me. She has seen the worst side of me in many different ways. She has seen addiction at it's worst in me and stuck with me. She saw me battle alcohol for many years.. she was always there. She never judged me. She just kept believing that one day I would clean up and become an upstanding individual.

I am not saying that I have everything together... but, I am a very different person than I was then. I am not the best Christian that you will ever meet. I say things that I shouldn't. I think wrong... I am rude sometimes.... I have no tact... I sin... I screw up... but, one thing I can say is that I don't care if I fall 5000 times in a day, I will go to God and ask for forgiveness. I am not ashamed to ask Him for anything. I am also not ashamed to go onto this forum or any other (such as Facebook) and write about God if I so choose. Here is where the problem is....

She told me that if I talk about God, I'm getting deleted from her friend page. I don't really care either way if someone deletes me off of anything... no one can blot my name out of the only book I care about! The thing that is bothering me is that I was a TERRIBLE person... and she stuck with me. But, now that I want to live as a Christian-- that seems to be just TOO terrible?

I'm not going to die when people say that they don't want to be my friend anymore... I'm not 6. But, I do wonder why people will be tolerant of all kinds of things but just whisper the name of Jesus and people really get offended. Again, I don't care if an offense comes... I'm not going to stand in the corner and whisper just to make someone happy... or comfortable. I am just kinda hurt that someone that was a part of my life for so long would show their true colors and throw me out because of a decision to follow Christ.

No Worries

Ray