Finding Nemo Is Easier Than Finding Me

I have been in a downward spiral. Has it ever happened to anyone besides myself? I am not out drinking or doing drugs or anything like that... I am just tired of living a life that doesn't seem like it's mine. I was taught many things as a child that just don't seem to match up anymore. The problem that this creates has created a hurricane in the forecast of my life. I was running hard after God... and then, BAM... something happened and incidentally caused my religious views to completely change. It is something that is hard for me to do-- as I have raised "christian".... so, when you truly decide that you have to search out more than just the things that you were taught-- it tears you apart.

There are a few people that know that I have changed to a more agnostic view... and they are very upset with me. It's hard to face them. It is difficult to know everything that I know and still turn my back. But, it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to find out for myself. I am tired of living a life based on knowledge in my mind... instead of an experience in my heart. They are two different things... and some people might be able to live this way... but, as for me, I cannot.

I will lose people in my life because of this. I will look around and be forsaken... it has already started. The same "Christians" that I spend hours praying with... and fellowshipping with... many of them are gone. I have been called a "worker of Satan"... I have been told "you are no better than people involved in Wicca"--- this is something that has hurt me. I never said that I don't believe God exists. I never said I want to go hug a tree and think that the sun and moon are going to save my soul. I never said that in my search for truth that I might be lead back to where I came from... I simply said I will not claim to be a christian and not live it. I will not say that I believe it all... when clearly I do not.

These people are wolves. It is a very uncomfortable place to be in... but it is where I am at. I wish I could lie and say all is well... but I cannot. I wasn't going to write any of this... I was going to try and be funny... tell a funny story... but, if you are reading this, you probably know that I am not too good at being fake.

Well, here goes nothing.... or everything.

No Worries

Ray

I Attend 8 Year Old Theology

After last week, this week should be easier. I had four friends of mine lose their life in one way or another. I still feel pretty wrecked about all the situations-- obviously. As I try and come to terms with last week's events, my daughter comes to my rescue again. She said something to me and now all I can do is wonder why in the world these things come out of her mouth.

We had a very long day. People came over for a birthday party. By people, I mean about 50 of our closest family and friends. It was crazy. But, it was a good time to just forget about all the death I had been dealing with. It was nice to celebrate life for a moment. So, Olivia had been in the pool for what seemed to be all day! I had her get ready for bed and then she sat next to me on the couch. Her little tan body was radiating heat as she dozed on and off for about 20 minutes. I finally told her it was time for bed and she asked if I would come lay with her. I obliged her happily.

The moment our heads hit the pillows, she got the idea that we should talk before we went to sleep. So, we turned to one another and just had mommy and daughter time. It was nice. Then, she decided she was going to have a deep conversation with me. I would love to be able to say that it was deep to her and easy for me... but, it wasn't.

Olivia: Mommy, I've been thinking...

Me: About what?

Olivia: Well, about fear and how people act.

Me: OK?

Olivia: Do you know that the people that SAY they aren't afraid of anything... and the people that ACT like they're not afraid of anything are ACTUALLY AFRAID OF EVERYTHING? They just use their words to make people believe a lie!

Me: Uhhhhhh...... Where's this coming from?

Olivia: I just see how you act sometimes. It's ok to be afraid Mommy. Jesus will protect you.

Me: Thanks Baby... time for bed.

So, without explaining anything else... she has had my mind all upside down since then. I mean, SHE'S 8!!! Why would she know that? Why would she understand any of that? And while I'm at it... WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND IT????

No Worries

Ray

Died Too Young

In high school, I worried about what everyone else worried about. I also worried about things that no one knew about. I had to battle my own demons. I had to figure out what I was going to do with my life and how I was going to accomplish it. A lot of these things are common among many teens... both past and present.

As I sit here in my computer chair... with the screen shining on my face... I hold back the tears in sorrow for a girl named Michelle. I was not her best friend. I was not the one that knew her deepest darkest secrets... But, what I do know is that someone like that should not die so young. I hurt inside and wonder what was so terrible... what brought her to a place of despair? Only God will ever know.

In a sea of things I don't know about this situation... something I DO know floats to the surface.... she was a vibrant young lady.... and she will be missed.

RIP Michelle Elsebough

No Worries

Ray

Test Taking

I have been so busy. My days have consisted of getting Olivia to and from school and then getting myself to and from school. When I have a day "off" from college, I have been trying to find a job and studying everything that I need to know for the many exams that seem to just keep coming.

I have managed to get myself into a huge hole. I guess what I really mean is that I feel like I am in a hole with all this stuff. I do not claim to be the smartest person or even intelligent at all, really. But, there are times that I know that I do not have to study things. I listen in class and deep down I know that I have successfully just learned the required material. Unfortunately, these classes are not the ones that happens in. I feel like I study all the time. I feel like I cram all kinds of definitions and information into my big head... and then the test gets placed in front of me and my chest tightens up.

The teenagers that are in the class with me seem to be able to take these tests pretty well. I think I am too old for this. I am trying to better my life... and at the same time I feel insanely intimidated. I am not intimidated by the people in my class... rather I am intimidated by the pressure that I am facing with every blank at the end of the question.

If I get 2 wrong... it could possibly ruin my quest to get into the RN program. If you haven't done it, you might not understand... but it is a hard program to get accepted into. I have to have A's. Well, I would write more... but I have to get back to my flashcards.

No Worries.

Ray

Side Note

Well, the start of college was one that I would love to forget. I walked into my Anatomy and Physiology class and immediately felt my blood pressure go up. *Side note: cramps*... Anyway, this class has 45 of the brightest minds in it... HA! I looked around and was surrounded by high school students that were so excited to be there. I sat down near the window so that I could have reception to update my Facebook before the class started. As I sat there, more people began to trickle in. They were talking so loud that I could hear them talking about the party that they attended the night before. All I could think is that I had been up since 4am working on my online class... followed by getting Olivia ready for school... then rushing to class myself. Who has time for that??

A grown woman walked in with her friend. They also looked like they were out partying all night... then again, they looked like they hadn't finished yet. The hair on these women would have kept my attention if I hadn't been distracted by her Tinkerbell book bag. (Which I would like to add that Olivia had the same one last year!!)

All in all... I felt more comfortable as I sat there for about 15 minutes. I looked at the people that I would be sharing this class with and though I do not think of myself as some scholar... I figured that if these jokers could do this... ANYONE, INCLUDING ME could.

The professor walked in very quietly. He looked like a professor. He introduced himself as Dr. Adams... "I'm actually a biologist." *Side note: cramps* As he began his mantra on all things college... I began to remember that I didn't take any Motrin before I left the house. I was thinking about Olivia and how she was doing on her first day. I thought about the stupid book bag... I thought about the Sociology class I was doing at 4am... and I was thinking about jumping out of the window that was so very close to me. WAKE UP RACHEL!! I hate when I do this. I can't stay focused. My mind began to race as I stared at "Dr. Adams"...

I know he thought that I was probably the most attentive student in there today... but I only caught every 4th word. "Blah blah blah study.... blah blah blah grades... blah blah blah difficult..."

Alright, so I will fast forward an hour and a half to the next class. I don't have to reintroduce anyone because I HAVE THE STINKIN' DOCTOR FOR THE LAB TOO!!! Honestly, I heard more in this class. He said dissecting a rat next week... and 300 terms by next week. *Side note: cramps* By this time, I thought my legs were going to fall off. Why?? DID YOU SEE MY SIDE NOTES??? Also, in the lab we have to sit on these metal bar stools that pull up to the lab tables. They do not promote anything other than bad posture and a sore butt. Due to my problems that were mounting during this class, I decided to leave. I left about 20 minutes early. We were having "study time" anyway. I can study on a soft, plush chair... AFTER I TAKE SOME MEDICINE!!! So, my brother came and got me. He's a good boy!! He even had some Motrin in hand!! YAY!!!

Needless to say, I studied all afternoon. I was soooo rankin' stankin' tired!! I don't know what is anterior or posterior to one another!! I don't know what is distal versus proximal!! What I do know is this... I hate EVE!! No where in the AP book did it talk about the pain that we, as women, must endure FOR NO REASON!!! So, sorry DOCTOR ADAMS if I don't care how close my thorax is to my posterior...

Hey, wait a minute.... I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

No Worries

Ray

Back to School

Olivia is starting the third grade tomorrow. I am excited that she loves to learn... but, I have to be honest and say that I hate when she comes home from school upset because of the mean kids. She has thick glasses because her vision is so bad-- so, the kids tend to be really rough on her. She is a very emotionally sensitive child. Sometimes I have to just lay with her and let her cry until she feels better... it infuriates me! Too bad I can't just go slap some kids!!

On a little different note, tomorrow I start back to college as well. I am a little nervous because I procrastinate everything... so, when someone like myself has a timeline that things HAVE to be done... I tend to flounder a bit. I guess I will have to use my time wisely.

I have taken some time off of writing in here because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say worth reading... but, then I figured out that I don't ever feel like I do... so, I sat down and just wrote this little addition.

No Worries

Ray

Long Time Coming

Last night, I did something that I haven't done, in what seems to be, forever. I went to an old friend's house. We talked about everything and nothing-- all at the same time. I guess when you haven't talked to someone in a long time-- the things that seem mundane to one, will seem like a good story to another. It was so strange.

I have been going through CRAZY emotions while Olivia is gone. I feel like I have no purpose without her being here. I've been walking around the house in some weird depression because of it. I feel like I have been wandering through this week. I have no one to make breakfast for... or check on for lunch. I actually went to a friend's house and didn't have to worry about if Olivia woke up and couldn't find me.

I'm writing this because I found that this is something that might just be a good thing for me. When one only finds purpose in one thing... I think it might just be possible to lose yourself in the other things that you were created for.

I got to speak in to other's lives and they got to speak into mine. It was a very encouraging time. I had a realllly good cup of coffee... some great laughs... wonderful fellowship.... wow, I should have left the confines of my room a long time ago!

No Worries

Ray