Finding Nemo Is Easier Than Finding Me

I have been in a downward spiral. Has it ever happened to anyone besides myself? I am not out drinking or doing drugs or anything like that... I am just tired of living a life that doesn't seem like it's mine. I was taught many things as a child that just don't seem to match up anymore. The problem that this creates has created a hurricane in the forecast of my life. I was running hard after God... and then, BAM... something happened and incidentally caused my religious views to completely change. It is something that is hard for me to do-- as I have raised "christian".... so, when you truly decide that you have to search out more than just the things that you were taught-- it tears you apart.

There are a few people that know that I have changed to a more agnostic view... and they are very upset with me. It's hard to face them. It is difficult to know everything that I know and still turn my back. But, it is something that I have to do if I am ever going to find out for myself. I am tired of living a life based on knowledge in my mind... instead of an experience in my heart. They are two different things... and some people might be able to live this way... but, as for me, I cannot.

I will lose people in my life because of this. I will look around and be forsaken... it has already started. The same "Christians" that I spend hours praying with... and fellowshipping with... many of them are gone. I have been called a "worker of Satan"... I have been told "you are no better than people involved in Wicca"--- this is something that has hurt me. I never said that I don't believe God exists. I never said I want to go hug a tree and think that the sun and moon are going to save my soul. I never said that in my search for truth that I might be lead back to where I came from... I simply said I will not claim to be a christian and not live it. I will not say that I believe it all... when clearly I do not.

These people are wolves. It is a very uncomfortable place to be in... but it is where I am at. I wish I could lie and say all is well... but I cannot. I wasn't going to write any of this... I was going to try and be funny... tell a funny story... but, if you are reading this, you probably know that I am not too good at being fake.

Well, here goes nothing.... or everything.

No Worries

Ray

I Attend 8 Year Old Theology

After last week, this week should be easier. I had four friends of mine lose their life in one way or another. I still feel pretty wrecked about all the situations-- obviously. As I try and come to terms with last week's events, my daughter comes to my rescue again. She said something to me and now all I can do is wonder why in the world these things come out of her mouth.

We had a very long day. People came over for a birthday party. By people, I mean about 50 of our closest family and friends. It was crazy. But, it was a good time to just forget about all the death I had been dealing with. It was nice to celebrate life for a moment. So, Olivia had been in the pool for what seemed to be all day! I had her get ready for bed and then she sat next to me on the couch. Her little tan body was radiating heat as she dozed on and off for about 20 minutes. I finally told her it was time for bed and she asked if I would come lay with her. I obliged her happily.

The moment our heads hit the pillows, she got the idea that we should talk before we went to sleep. So, we turned to one another and just had mommy and daughter time. It was nice. Then, she decided she was going to have a deep conversation with me. I would love to be able to say that it was deep to her and easy for me... but, it wasn't.

Olivia: Mommy, I've been thinking...

Me: About what?

Olivia: Well, about fear and how people act.

Me: OK?

Olivia: Do you know that the people that SAY they aren't afraid of anything... and the people that ACT like they're not afraid of anything are ACTUALLY AFRAID OF EVERYTHING? They just use their words to make people believe a lie!

Me: Uhhhhhh...... Where's this coming from?

Olivia: I just see how you act sometimes. It's ok to be afraid Mommy. Jesus will protect you.

Me: Thanks Baby... time for bed.

So, without explaining anything else... she has had my mind all upside down since then. I mean, SHE'S 8!!! Why would she know that? Why would she understand any of that? And while I'm at it... WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND IT????

No Worries

Ray

Died Too Young

In high school, I worried about what everyone else worried about. I also worried about things that no one knew about. I had to battle my own demons. I had to figure out what I was going to do with my life and how I was going to accomplish it. A lot of these things are common among many teens... both past and present.

As I sit here in my computer chair... with the screen shining on my face... I hold back the tears in sorrow for a girl named Michelle. I was not her best friend. I was not the one that knew her deepest darkest secrets... But, what I do know is that someone like that should not die so young. I hurt inside and wonder what was so terrible... what brought her to a place of despair? Only God will ever know.

In a sea of things I don't know about this situation... something I DO know floats to the surface.... she was a vibrant young lady.... and she will be missed.

RIP Michelle Elsebough

No Worries

Ray

Test Taking

I have been so busy. My days have consisted of getting Olivia to and from school and then getting myself to and from school. When I have a day "off" from college, I have been trying to find a job and studying everything that I need to know for the many exams that seem to just keep coming.

I have managed to get myself into a huge hole. I guess what I really mean is that I feel like I am in a hole with all this stuff. I do not claim to be the smartest person or even intelligent at all, really. But, there are times that I know that I do not have to study things. I listen in class and deep down I know that I have successfully just learned the required material. Unfortunately, these classes are not the ones that happens in. I feel like I study all the time. I feel like I cram all kinds of definitions and information into my big head... and then the test gets placed in front of me and my chest tightens up.

The teenagers that are in the class with me seem to be able to take these tests pretty well. I think I am too old for this. I am trying to better my life... and at the same time I feel insanely intimidated. I am not intimidated by the people in my class... rather I am intimidated by the pressure that I am facing with every blank at the end of the question.

If I get 2 wrong... it could possibly ruin my quest to get into the RN program. If you haven't done it, you might not understand... but it is a hard program to get accepted into. I have to have A's. Well, I would write more... but I have to get back to my flashcards.

No Worries.

Ray