Where Has She Gone?

So, my daughter is 11 going on 35. I try to have a balance of discipline and passivity. I try and give her the semblance of having her own privacy, all while trying to keep tabs on what she does and who she is becoming. I, apparently, have failed at the task. While talking with her grandmother, I was told that she had a Tumblr account. This is something that I was totally unaware of. I decided to speak with my daughter about this. I explained that if she wanted me to trust her, that she needed to be open and honest with me. I also explained that, when it came to anything online, she MUST ask me FIRST. She sounded like she understood and then the day went off without a hitch.

The next day, I decided that I was going to delete the Tumblr account because she is 11 years old, she has no business sharing anything with anyone at this age, and then the old... BECAUSE I SAID SO reason as well. I invited her to sit next to me while I deleted the account because I needed the login info and password. I also wanted her to see that I meant what I said about the entire situation. 

I was surprised when I found that the login information started with putting your email address in. She quickly told me what the address was. I asked if she just made that up or what it a real address.... I was horrified when she told me that it was HER OWN email. 

I decided to just continue with deleting the Tumblr account. After I did that, I checked her email and there were MANY things in there that were inappropriate for ANY person... forget the part that she is only 11. I guess I find some comfort in the fact that they were all NEW and none of them had been read.... but I was fuming at this point. (Usually, these are the emails that adults would call SPAM but CHILDREN don't know that there is a folder for things that are unwanted.) After glancing through the unread emails titles... I noticed that she was getting a lot of email from You Tube. I slowly turned my head to her and asked the dumbest question yet.... "Do you have a You Tube account too?" 

"Yes. I wanted it."

Dear Jesus, 

I will be a good mommy, a good Christian, and a good person if you would just tell me where my lil one has went and if you help me find her... because this punk that is currently cleaning out the closet is NOT my sweet baby.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Moral of the story? 

1. Keep your eyes PEELED when the kids are online... even if they seem like they always make the right decision. They are kids... and are bound to succeed at being one.

2. Make sure that when you decide to look deeply into what they have been doing... that there is PLENTY of cleaning to do in the house.

3. Don't ever punish while you are mad.... wait until you think of something REALLY crappy.... then and ONLY THEN do you tell them what the punishment will be.

No Worries

Ray

Proud Or Not So Much?

There is a person that has just arrived back in my life from my younger years. This person was very close to me for many years. I would always want to impress this person and their family. They came from money... they came from privilege... and when I was younger, I thought that I should try my hardest to be a part of their circle. Now, fast forward about 15 years, and you will see a different picture. I have gained weight, I have a child out of wedlock, I work at Walmart for menial money... but I do not care who is or who is not impressed with my life. I am who I am... money, looks, or careers do not change who I am. Rather, they enhance who I am.

So, this person has been talking to me... asking me to hang out... asking me to come and party.... ugh. It makes my stomach turn. I am not the same person I once was. I have given all that up. I don't drink because it is not good for me to do so. I do not do drugs for obvious reasons. I enjoy sitting around with my daughter watching How It's Made on television. I like going to bed before midnight. I find peace in knowing that I will remember what happened last night.

Having said all of the above.... and having MEANT all of the above....

Why do I still have a little part inside of me that doesn't even want to meet for coffee because I do not want to be seen by this person. My weight doesn't usually bother me... but I do not want someone to be able to tease me for it either. I still have that thing inside that would like for someone to be impressed with who I am today.... and it is a shame that is still there.... because I have come along way. Yes, I still have a long way to go... but it would be nice if I was proud of myself... or at least proud enough to drink coffee with someone that knew I would never amount to anything.... and I proved them wrong.

No Worries

Ray

I'm Selfish

I just got done looking at pictures on Facebook. My brother from another mother just left with his family to New York. I am sure that there are opportunities there that are not available down here... but I am selfish and wanted him and the family to stay down here. Because of certain circumstances, I was not even afforded the chance to say goodbye. That irritated me but only because it hurt my feelings. But, now that they are gone, I wish them the best and I move on from this place in my heart. I figure that there is nothing I can do about it now... so I might as well forget that it even happened. 

No Worries 

Ray

Required.... But Not Fun

I think that I pride myself in being able to forgive people for things that other people would normally not even try to do. I know that a lot of people don't think that forgiveness is even needed for certain offenses... In all circumstances, I think that forgiveness is a HUGE requirement in order to live a life that is fulfilled and happy.

This is where my problem is sticking out. I have found it difficult to continue to forgive this one person. I have forgiven them before... for the SAME EXACT thing. But, this person continues to do it over and over. I know that the Bible tells me that I need to... that I am, in fact, REQUIRED to... but, in this case, I am finding it very difficult. 

I know that forgiveness is something that is a good thing... I know that it is a choice... but there are times that I would like to scream at this person and say, "GIVE IT A REST! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.... SO PLEASE, STAY OUT OF IT! AND PLEASE, KEEP MY DAUGHTER'S AND MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!"

I do not normally have problems like this with ANYONE... but this person has decided to target me because I refuse to bow to the demands that they have of my life. 

Dear Jesus, I will try to forgive.... another 7000000 times... but do You think that You could shut the mouth of my accuser? Please?

No Worries

Ray

30 Came Too Quickly

I know 30 is not old. I know that it is just a number. I know that it will not bother me at all to turn 30, in a couple weeks. Ugh... I am SUCH A LIAR!!! It IS old to me... maybe not to those that are older, but to me, it is. It DOES bother me. 

Yes, I have a wonderful 10 year old. I am raising her as best as I know how. I have made HUGE steps in my life to better it. I serve Christ as best as I can... and even that is something that I need to perfect some more.

I need to be able to express that I do not feel that I have accomplished anything, thus far. 

I went and visited my grandparents tonight. I haven't seen them in a long time. They were telling me about all the things that my cousins have done. They told me about their high paying jobs. They told me about their spouses. They told me all the wonderful things about them. I am SO PROUD of them. I am also VERY happy for them.... BUT.... 

If they were to sit with them... what would they be able to say about me? 

"Rachel has a 10 year old with no spouse OR boyfriend... She works for pennies at Walmart... She is overweight and has physical problems that stem from injuries that she has sustained at her low-paying job. She says that she wants to make a difference in others but I don't see any progress on that statement. She lives with a family and cannot even provide her daughter her own room. Can you believe it? 10 years old and still sleeping in bed with her mom? 

Oh, she is a Christian... she does love God... but, she isn't a really good one because she still smokes. She has been clean for many years and also sober for almost a year. She laughs a lot and makes a lot of jokes that make anyone laugh. She is a character... but a ton of wasted potential."

And now I sit... and realize that those things that are meant to kill me, will make me stronger... BUT, if I am strong and do nothing with the muscle- I might as well be weak.

So, yes... I am going to be 30.... and I hope and pray that the next 30 years are more profitable for every one that I come in contact with.

Dear God, I need You.

No Worries

Ray

Give It A Try

I never want anyone to know exactly how sensitive I am. I do not want to be vulnerable to anyone! As I live my life, day-by-day, I find that by doing this, I am living a lie.

I am trying to find a place in my heart that will willingly open up and show people who I am. I want to be someone that loves quickly, never gets offended, and forgives immediately. 

I want to be open and honest because I think that is the best way to change my own insecurities. Oh how I would love if I could get rid of them a different way... but I have tried everything.. and I think I should give this a try.

Do you think this is possible?

No Worries

Ray

Who Am I?

I have many thoughts and feelings about a range of different topics. There is one that has been pressing me lately... who am I, really?

There are many times that I have to be someone for a certain situation... but it is not who I am inside. The more I think about this question, the more I really wanna know the answer. The trouble with this is that I am not all-together convinced that I even know SOME of the answer... forget about me knowing the complete answer. 

The more breaths I take, the more I question who I am. I know how I feel about some things... but it does not always translate into a concrete knowledge of myself. 

I think about all these people that write books about "self realization" and I wonder if they REALLY know what they are talking about. Does ANY ONE really know this answer? 

I know some people that are convinced that their lives are found in something or someone else... but this is not what I mean when I ask this question to myself. Taking away money, kids, jobs, religion, friends.... who am I? I will continue to ponder this until I figure it out.

No Worries

Ray