I know 30 is not old. I know that it is just a number. I know that it will not bother me at all to turn 30, in a couple weeks. Ugh... I am SUCH A LIAR!!! It IS old to me... maybe not to those that are older, but to me, it is. It DOES bother me.
Yes, I have a wonderful 10 year old. I am raising her as best as I know how. I have made HUGE steps in my life to better it. I serve Christ as best as I can... and even that is something that I need to perfect some more.
I need to be able to express that I do not feel that I have accomplished anything, thus far.
I went and visited my grandparents tonight. I haven't seen them in a long time. They were telling me about all the things that my cousins have done. They told me about their high paying jobs. They told me about their spouses. They told me all the wonderful things about them. I am SO PROUD of them. I am also VERY happy for them.... BUT....
If they were to sit with them... what would they be able to say about me?
"Rachel has a 10 year old with no spouse OR boyfriend... She works for pennies at Walmart... She is overweight and has physical problems that stem from injuries that she has sustained at her low-paying job. She says that she wants to make a difference in others but I don't see any progress on that statement. She lives with a family and cannot even provide her daughter her own room. Can you believe it? 10 years old and still sleeping in bed with her mom?
Oh, she is a Christian... she does love God... but, she isn't a really good one because she still smokes. She has been clean for many years and also sober for almost a year. She laughs a lot and makes a lot of jokes that make anyone laugh. She is a character... but a ton of wasted potential."
And now I sit... and realize that those things that are meant to kill me, will make me stronger... BUT, if I am strong and do nothing with the muscle- I might as well be weak.
So, yes... I am going to be 30.... and I hope and pray that the next 30 years are more profitable for every one that I come in contact with.
Dear God, I need You.
No Worries
Ray
Dear Ray ray I am 55, and feel much the same as you expressed above...
ReplyDeleteLove your daughter with all of you heart, love your fam and friends...love the Lord...these things are great accomplishments, and the payoff is immeasurable, for real!!
As for financial prosperity, keep praying, keep you eyes and ears open for the opportunities that will indeed come, and they will. AND don't be afraid of change.
I am fairly uneducated, untrained, etc...and the good Lord has helped me make a decent, even good living...if he will do that for a slug like me, he will do it for any one...
One more thing...You are still YOUNG, oh yes you are!...there is plenty of time for new things that will come along and open up!!!! Oh yes they will...Seek the Lord and you will see....
Love u a lot!!!!! you r awesome!!!!
Rachel, I have to admit that I am a little freaked out by the fact that I will be 29 in just a few months. It will be weird to leave my 20s and watch myself age more than I already have these last couple stressful years... But I have to remember that growing old is a priviledge denied to many. Life is such a gift and as we always hear, things get better with age, right?? ;)
ReplyDeleteAs for your life and where you are or are not... You cannot belittle yourself. You have a beautiful and smart 10 year old daughter. If you sat at home and did nothing else for the rest of your life, she would still be your greatest accomplishment. Being a mother is a huge and beautiful thing. Don't forget how important you are to her, and in her eyes, I'm sure you conquer the universe. ;) Don't worry about what your grandparents may or may not think of you. I dropped out of college with no degrees, I don't work, I have medical issues and no insurance, my brother lives with us so we can afford rent, and we still live paycheck to paycheck. But so what? Money doesn't make a person. When we are on our deathbeds, no one will think about what's in our bank accounts or what jobs we had... They will think about the kind of person we were and how loving and kind we were. They will see the Godly and respectable children we've raised and they will know we did well.
You don't know what God has in store for you around the corner. You are making a living, it doesn't matter where. You will be blessed for your efforts. Just keep living to please Him and He will make sure you're taken care of.
Sorry this is so long. I just want you to know that you matter. Don't ever forget that. 30 or not. ;)