I'm Selfish

I just got done looking at pictures on Facebook. My brother from another mother just left with his family to New York. I am sure that there are opportunities there that are not available down here... but I am selfish and wanted him and the family to stay down here. Because of certain circumstances, I was not even afforded the chance to say goodbye. That irritated me but only because it hurt my feelings. But, now that they are gone, I wish them the best and I move on from this place in my heart. I figure that there is nothing I can do about it now... so I might as well forget that it even happened. 

No Worries 

Ray

Required.... But Not Fun

I think that I pride myself in being able to forgive people for things that other people would normally not even try to do. I know that a lot of people don't think that forgiveness is even needed for certain offenses... In all circumstances, I think that forgiveness is a HUGE requirement in order to live a life that is fulfilled and happy.

This is where my problem is sticking out. I have found it difficult to continue to forgive this one person. I have forgiven them before... for the SAME EXACT thing. But, this person continues to do it over and over. I know that the Bible tells me that I need to... that I am, in fact, REQUIRED to... but, in this case, I am finding it very difficult. 

I know that forgiveness is something that is a good thing... I know that it is a choice... but there are times that I would like to scream at this person and say, "GIVE IT A REST! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.... SO PLEASE, STAY OUT OF IT! AND PLEASE, KEEP MY DAUGHTER'S AND MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!"

I do not normally have problems like this with ANYONE... but this person has decided to target me because I refuse to bow to the demands that they have of my life. 

Dear Jesus, I will try to forgive.... another 7000000 times... but do You think that You could shut the mouth of my accuser? Please?

No Worries

Ray

30 Came Too Quickly

I know 30 is not old. I know that it is just a number. I know that it will not bother me at all to turn 30, in a couple weeks. Ugh... I am SUCH A LIAR!!! It IS old to me... maybe not to those that are older, but to me, it is. It DOES bother me. 

Yes, I have a wonderful 10 year old. I am raising her as best as I know how. I have made HUGE steps in my life to better it. I serve Christ as best as I can... and even that is something that I need to perfect some more.

I need to be able to express that I do not feel that I have accomplished anything, thus far. 

I went and visited my grandparents tonight. I haven't seen them in a long time. They were telling me about all the things that my cousins have done. They told me about their high paying jobs. They told me about their spouses. They told me all the wonderful things about them. I am SO PROUD of them. I am also VERY happy for them.... BUT.... 

If they were to sit with them... what would they be able to say about me? 

"Rachel has a 10 year old with no spouse OR boyfriend... She works for pennies at Walmart... She is overweight and has physical problems that stem from injuries that she has sustained at her low-paying job. She says that she wants to make a difference in others but I don't see any progress on that statement. She lives with a family and cannot even provide her daughter her own room. Can you believe it? 10 years old and still sleeping in bed with her mom? 

Oh, she is a Christian... she does love God... but, she isn't a really good one because she still smokes. She has been clean for many years and also sober for almost a year. She laughs a lot and makes a lot of jokes that make anyone laugh. She is a character... but a ton of wasted potential."

And now I sit... and realize that those things that are meant to kill me, will make me stronger... BUT, if I am strong and do nothing with the muscle- I might as well be weak.

So, yes... I am going to be 30.... and I hope and pray that the next 30 years are more profitable for every one that I come in contact with.

Dear God, I need You.

No Worries

Ray

Give It A Try

I never want anyone to know exactly how sensitive I am. I do not want to be vulnerable to anyone! As I live my life, day-by-day, I find that by doing this, I am living a lie.

I am trying to find a place in my heart that will willingly open up and show people who I am. I want to be someone that loves quickly, never gets offended, and forgives immediately. 

I want to be open and honest because I think that is the best way to change my own insecurities. Oh how I would love if I could get rid of them a different way... but I have tried everything.. and I think I should give this a try.

Do you think this is possible?

No Worries

Ray

Who Am I?

I have many thoughts and feelings about a range of different topics. There is one that has been pressing me lately... who am I, really?

There are many times that I have to be someone for a certain situation... but it is not who I am inside. The more I think about this question, the more I really wanna know the answer. The trouble with this is that I am not all-together convinced that I even know SOME of the answer... forget about me knowing the complete answer. 

The more breaths I take, the more I question who I am. I know how I feel about some things... but it does not always translate into a concrete knowledge of myself. 

I think about all these people that write books about "self realization" and I wonder if they REALLY know what they are talking about. Does ANY ONE really know this answer? 

I know some people that are convinced that their lives are found in something or someone else... but this is not what I mean when I ask this question to myself. Taking away money, kids, jobs, religion, friends.... who am I? I will continue to ponder this until I figure it out.

No Worries

Ray

My Eeyore Moment

I will be 30 this year. I had all these hopes and dreams when I was younger. I am happy that some of them did not come to pass. Then, there are some things that I am very proud of in my life... like my daughter. I would be a liar if I said that I am happy though. This is something that I am not. I spend all my time at work. I am always trying to make enough money to buy Olivia clothes and shoes. I need to make enough money so that the bills get paid. As I look around the environment of my life, I can't help but see that I am not that successful person that I thought that I would be by now. 

I am trying to be content with who I am and what I have... but it is something that is difficult to do. I think Facebook and all social media make it almost impossible to be content. I see pictures of people going on vacations... buying new vehicles... going out with their families to dinner and then something else fun.... and when I see things like that, all I really feel is that I am very happy for them... yet, very upset for Olivia and myself. I wish I could do things like that... but, to be honest, I do not have the money to do things like that. Even if I saved the money... I am part-time at Walmart (32-38 hours a week)... so, I do not get paid time off. 

I hate this rat race... but I am grateful I have a job at all. I just wish that I would make more money... I wish that I would have planned better with my money that I had in the past. 

I guess you can't cry over spilled milk OR money spent.

No Worries

Ray

SHOCKING!!! (No Really...)

I will be working overnight for the next week. My pain levels have been pretty high but I know that God will be strong in my weakness. I had a nerve conduction done this past week. The best way I can describe it is that they put electrodes on the feet and then shock you. Yep, simple as that... they SHOCK YOU!

They got a baseline response from my left leg. My leg responded so quickly that I almost kicked the lady in the face. It was almost like lightning in that leg. I didn't expect that much juice to be pumped into my leg. They took the electrodes off of that leg/foot and then put them on my right leg. She then shocked it once... no movement. She shocked it again... no movement. She then clicked the button 4 or 5 times to give it more power and shocked me... my leg never moved. My toes jumped on the last one... but nothing dramatic.

She took the electrodes off and then stuck 2 needles in the front of my leg... right next to the shin bone into the muscle. She looked at me strange and asked me what I was feeling... I told her that the part of my leg that she just put the needles in has lacked any feeling since surgery.

I guess that made it good for me... because she said that was the most painful of all the parts of the test. She then directed me to move my foot while the needles were in my leg. I could feel pressure and pain in the BACK OF MY LEG (not the front!!!)

I will get the results soon. She looked like she was shocked at what she was seeing. To be honest, I was pretty taken back myself.

No Worries

Ray