UnMerry Christmas

I am still unemployed. I can't stand the feeling that I cannot provide for my daughter like I should be able to. It cuts me to the deepest part of my soul. I can't do anything about it though... I have applied and reapplied to every job that I could possibly think of... yes, even McDonald's... no dice.

I guess this is just something that I am going to have to endure for a little while longer. I have no idea what to do at this point. Olivia will not be getting anything but a package of silly bands from me... this sucks.

Plenty of Worries

Ray

No More Singing Phone Number

I don't like change. I never have. I don't even like it when it's time to move the furniture around at holiday time. It almost unnerves me. Today, I was going to make a phone call and I was surprisingly routed to T-Mobile. They said that there was "high usage" on my account so they needed to speak with me. This came as a HUGE surprise to me. I didn't do anything that I didn't normally do this month... I just paid the bill... what in the world could be the problem?

I speak to someone and they tell me why my account has been suspended... wait, suspended? What the heck for? They tell me that all the international calls are adding up and I need to make a 25% payment for my phone (and the 4 other lines on the account) to be turned back on. ABORT MISSION!!! WHAT INTERNATIONAL CALLS? I was going to make a joke about the only international calls that I make are when I call the Medicaid office and I am outsourced... but I was in freak out mode... so I decided to leave that part out of it.

The customer service rep then explained the calls and the light bulb went off in my head... I had let someone use my phone to call someone in the army... WHO KNEW THEY WERE IN AFGHANISTAN??? So, he threw the total out there and my heart broke.

I have had my phone number for a long time... I like it... it's easy to remember... you can almost sing a song when reciting it... 352... 678.... 7874.... But that was about to change....

"Rachel, the total is $2900... but I can get that down to $2400 for you today." He might as well have said a million dollars. I am now trying to figure out what I am going to do. I have filled out soooo many applications for jobs and NOW THE NUMBER IS WRONG!!! I don't have a house phone...

Needless to say, I don't think I will ever let anyone touch my phone again... I guess I am going to have to go with AT&T but the problem is that WE JUST PAID THE CURRENT BILL!!! I COULD HAVE KEPT THE $269!!!

Moral of the story? I would rather move furniture every single day... than have this happen.

No Worries

Ray

Zero Comments

Well, I was keeping up with this journal at first. I was writing in it at least once a day. I looked forward to the comments that I got on a variety of topics. But, life got a little crazy. My internet got shut off for a bit because I didn't have the money to pay it... and then when I got connected again, I had college and job hunting to do... so, I neglected this poor page.

I started to notice though... because I got to vent some of the most personal thoughts that someone can have. It started to bother me... so, I tried my hand at it again. I started writing again. This time it was different. I posted my journal entry onto my facebook page and I would feverishly check the comment section... nope... nothing.

So, after a few entries went by like that-- I figured that no one was reading it. Then again, I also get a hit counter and was positive that no one was. How could I be so dumb? I finally found something that I enjoyed... I found something that made me feel like I was connected to more than the fat on my... well, my everywhere....

Moral of the story? When you find something that does well for you and you neglect it... don't expect it to work anymore.

No Worries

Ray

Melinda

Well, what can I say? I have no substantial words to express how I am feeling right now. Melinda died yesterday. She leaves behind a son, family, and countless friends. It is heartbreaking... I sat by my fire pit last night and all I could think is how she will never laugh again... she will never smile again... she will never do anything again.

I would write more but I can't come to terms with all this death lately.

No Worries

Ray

Moody with a Chance of Zits

You ever come across a person that is moody at all times of the day? Doesn't it make you want to run in the other direction? Or is that just me? The problem with the person that I am talking about is that it is my daughter. She is 8.. almost 9 years old. I see the little zit on her forehead and my blood pressure rises about 100 points or so. I see her getting more emotional than in the days past and I am just not sure what to do. She thinks that her opinion of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is relevant every single time I tell her to do something.

Don't mistake this as me saying my daughter is out of control... or just a bad kid.... that she is not. She is mostly respectful (yes sir... yes ma'am.) She still hugs and kisses me and tells me that she loves me everyday. This morning she knew that I wasn't feeling well so she got herself ready for school and only woke me up when it was time to go to the bus. She is an independent child. She is so loving and courteous.

It's just that in the past month or so, she has been a walking... TALKING... pain in my rear. I know, I sound pretty crazy... but this parenting thing is kicking my tail. My daughter, on the other hand, is acting like she wants me to kick HER tail.

No Worries

Ray

Hard Questions

I was driving with Olivia the other day and we had one of the strangest conversations that I have ever had with her. It wasn't silent by any means in the car... we were singing... I always love doing that with her. It seems to make all the problems disappear for a little bit at least. So, she asks me to turn the radio down and I oblige her. Then, that's when she asked the question... "Mommy, why are we here?"

Since I have decided to go on my own little journey of self/truth discovery... I haven't really spoken to her about God... or anything spiritual for that matter. I do not want what I believe or not believe to influence her decisions. I am an advocate for letting a child figure some things out by themselves.

Though Olivia is still attending church... she obviously is going to notice some changes in my behavior. But, in no way did I think that she would start asking these kinds of questions.

It was about a minute of silence... she was tapping her finger on the console of the car so I could perceive that she was waiting but was getting tired of doing so... I piped up and asked her what she thought. I asked her what her personal opinion was on the matter and she promptly replied, "Well mommy, if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn't be asking you."

I was going to try and explain... I was going to tell her all the "by-the-book" answers that I have been taught my whole life but I couldn't. I, instead, told her that I wasn't sure exactly. I was honest with her and told her that I am mommy but I do not have all the answers like she thinks that I do.

Ever since then, I have been plagued by the thoughts that I should have just given in and told her about all the things that I have been taught my whole life. I should have told her about Genesis... but, in order for me to be true to my journey... and in order for me to let her form her own opinions so that she doesn't end up like me at the age of 28... I just decided that maybe I did the right thing.

So, is there a moral to this story? I have no idea. There might be one at a later time but I am not too sure if there is one now. I feel a little overwhelmed at this point. I am not sure what is true versus what is false. I am not sure if there is going to be a day that I figure this whole thing out.

There are a couple of things that I DO know though... I love my baby, I want what is best for her, and I wish I knew the answers to her questions. If I did know them, then maybe I wouldn't be plagued with insomnia at this point.

No Worries

Ray

Giving The School The Finger

So, as many people already know, I gave birth to someone that has a very high IQ. Don't worry, I don't take credit for that. I am semi-intelligent when it comes to useless information... but after that, I am a regular ding dong!!

My Livy Lu scored 154 on the IQ test that they gave her last year. (She was 7.) This means that she has a higher IQ than 99.9% of all adults, at the tender age of 7. She is now 8- almost 9 (let's not remind me of this part.) Anyway, she was accepted into the gifted program with open arms. They promised the world to her. Eventually, I found out that the gifted school is funded per child... so, now I know it wasn't technically because they wanted to cultivate her intelligence.

She went into the gifted school last year. They got to take trips every week... they got to participate in studies... they got laptops... they had everything. This year, they received the same treatment in that respect. But, the requirements went through the roof!! She had to do a book report every week... (complete with 12-slide Power Point and clay diorama)... 50 vocabulary words a week (ex: contingency)... Just crazy!!! Recess was also taken away. They treat these kids like little lab rats!! The people in administration told me that they were given opportunities that no one else was provided. They were right... but what about play time? What about these kids only being 8 and 9 years old? They explained the recess problem like this.. "They might not have play time that way... but they get to study forensics now!!"

So, I took my little baby out of there. Those people told me how I was taking her future away... so, I turned and said, "I may be... but you will never be able to say that I took her present away." They had nothing to say to me then.

Moral of the story? Olivia will always be very intelligent. She will always be the apple of my eye. She will always make me smile when I feel like crying... and she will always know that her mommy is more concerned with who she is versus who she COULD be.

No Worries

Ray