I Know I Know.... But I'm Scared

I am a Christian. As a Christian, I have been taught that I should go to church regularly to "fellowship" with other believers. I have been a Christian for quite some time, so I have been involved in plenty of the church politics that are involved. I have seen people rise from the preverbal ashes and then I have also seen the mighty fall from grace. There was a time in my life that when someone fell, it would rock my faith. I would look suspiciously at all Christians. I felt like everyone was being fake or were hiding some huge secret sin that would ultimately end up hurting me all over again. So, I stayed away. I still read the Bible at home… I still tried to be loving to those around me… I still believed that Jesus died on the cross and rose again…. But the church part was not a part of my life. For a long time, it didn’t bother me at all. I knew all the problems that I was not having to see and be touched by. I knew the negative would not be able to affect me as long as I wasn’t there.

Here’s the problem that I have now. All of a sudden, I am studying to be a psychologist while minoring in Christian counseling. Do you see the problem yet? I want to counsel and help people but those are the exact people that I am afraid to be around! Now, let me be clear… I do not think that it is every Christian. I do not think that it is even MOST Christians… but the ones that screw up REALLY know how to do it well. My major problem is with the Pastors. I am supposed to submit to their authority and I don’t know their personal lives well enough to actually extend any type of trust.

I know, I know…. Just ask God to direct me. I know…. Just go somewhere until I learn about the pastor. I know… just worry about myself. I know… don’t let the past dictate the future. I know I know I know I know…. But it is difficult to tell your heart to open up again.

No Worries

Ray

Teenage Years... Here They Come!

Well, tomorrow is the day. My daughter will be turning 13! I walked outside the other day and just sobbed. I sobbed for many reasons. I cried because I am scared. Why am I scared? This is the only time in my parenting duties that I have felt that I am so ill-prepared. She likes boys now... the cooties left them and I had no idea when that happened. I know it is natural in the progression of life but GEEZE.... 

I also think that I am always going to do something wrong and screw it all up. So, my question to you today is this.....

Will you say a prayer for me? The next decade might just kill me.

No Worries

Ray

Freakin' White KKK People

Racism is irritating. Racism is hurtful and disgusting. What I do not understand is why the only people that can be labeled a racist is Caucasian people. I'm not saying that they can't be... I'm saying that ANYONE from ANY background can be.

When a Caucasian does it... it is rude, disturbing, and classless.
When an African-American does it... it's funny and acceptable.

How about everyone stop the nonsense and be accepting of people based on who they are inside and how they treat others?

No Worries
Ray

Update: Second Shoulder Surgery

I went ahead and had another surgery on my right shoulder. This time, they anchored my rotator cuff, muscles, ligaments, and tendons. This naturally means that I am in a ton of pain but the surgeon assured me that I would recover from this in about 10 weeks.

Physical therapy is hard but I am trying to get through it.

No Worries
Ray

Needing A Nap On The Battlefield

I am not perfect. I do not claim to be in any area of my life. Lately, I have noticed that there has been some areas of my life that I took pride in and I have let those areas either suffer or die all together. I guess life has just got the best of me in those areas. 

I am finally not having issues with my daughter.... she seems to be doing what she needs to do correctly. I can say that I have been able to take a breath of fresh air in the parenting area. 

The issues that have crept up now are all me. I cannot blame anyone else. I cannot say that anyone else has had a hand in the demise of these areas. What areas? My spiritual life. I am NOT saying that I don't believe in Jesus or God. I am NOT saying that I am turning my back on the entire Christian life... I am saying that I feel like I wounded soldier and I feel like laying on the battlefield of life and just taking a nap.... 

Yeah, I know... I am not being a giant of faith.... maybe not... what I DO know is that I am being human. 

No Worries

Ray

College Life Blows... Literally

Ave you went to college? If so, you might just understand what I'm about to say.

I'm just got done the hardest semester ever. Life was blowing up every single time I had something major due. I'm not talking about a stubbed toe. My brother was arrested for four felonies (which were later dropped), my dear friend Pop died, my 30 year-old friend died suddenly, my rent was skyrocketing so I am in the middle of movong, and then I tore my rotator cuff and need surgery.

I'm sure that my professors thought I was just making it all up, so I sent them proof of all of those events... from court documents to funeral cards to my MRI.

I have more classes starting in a few days... I just need a break. Life is still going on while I pursue my degree. I just hope this semester goes better.

No Worries
Ray

The Positive Route

I had another MRI today. I had surgery on my shoulder last year but something is still wrong with it so I have to go through a bunch of hoops again to see what we can do for it.

I would've loved if my surgeon told me that the ligament was still torn after surgery, but he didn't.... and now I might need an entirely different surgery.

I don't know if I am supposed to be happy that it's going to get taken care of... or if I should be irritated that I wasn't told the entire truth after surgery.

I'll just try and be positive about it.
No Worries
Ray