I pee'd the bed

I long for every person I come in contact with to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. For that reason, I do not say anything negative against the church. I think that some people think that the "church folk" is a correct representation of who God is... and unfortunatley, that is not always the case.

The reason I am writing this is to express myself in where I am at. I got hurt on July 5th, 2011. I had surgery on August 26th, 2011. I began having severe pain in January 2012. The pain is progressive. It was light at first. But now, there are days that I cannot walk. There are days that I cannot even go to the bathroom without my daughter helping me get there. She has had to miss school because I would have been all alone all day. I lied and told the people that picked her up that she woke up late because I didn't want anyone to know that I was right next to immoble. One day, I didn't want her to miss another day of school so I told her to go ahead and go... but I knew the pain was too much to walk... so, like a 2 year old, I wet the bed. Of course, it was embarrassing... it was even worse trying to get it all cleaned up before anyone found out... ESPECIALLY Olivia.

I was going to work... working through the pain. I would try my best to keep a smile on my face. I didn't want them to know what was going on inside. So, I would take Motrin800 (x4) so that I could go to work. Who knew that my stomach would hurt that bad by just taking Motrin? (Well, yes, I did... but I didn't have another option.)

So, fast forward to right now... to this very moment of why I wrote the first paragraph. The people at my job are some interesting folks. Some of them are funny... some are not... some are nice... some are not... some believe in God... some do not. Now, none of those things matter to me in a way that makes me treat any of them different. I actually love them all... for one reason or another. I feel that they have concern for me as well. They have made sure to drop me notes online or they have sent me a text to see how I was doing... asking me if I needed anything... or was there anything that they could do for me. But not one person from my church has ever called me to ask how I was doing. Not one. You would think they would have noticed that I haven't even been to church faithfully since before Thanksgiving.

The pain that I go through physically can somehow be dealt with... but emotionally, they have hurt me. Love your neighbor as yourself... I wonder if maybe they skipped over that part. Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.... maybe they missed that too. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. I am not one that goes into this type of thing in public... but there is one thing that I am learning and it is this... If I am ever to make a difference in this world... I cannot act like I skip around with no problems and no emotions about anything. I wanted to share this because I want people to know that GOD is NOT the people. The people will make mistakes... they will hurt you... I mean, I, MYSELF might be the one that hurts you. People always say that there are too many hypocrits in the church... even I say that... but here's the thing I learned... I was being one. By pretending that everything was ok. I was because I pretended that I wasn't mad and hurt. So, to those of you that I was angry with... please forgive me. To those of you that I was not honest with, please forgive me.

Yep... Rachel, the one that laughs... is now the one that cries as well. And the only way that I want to end this little note is like this....

Dear God,

I forgive them. Please help me through. I know that they are not who You are. And I know that You are good.

I love You.

P.S... The next time you see me... please do NOT come and hug all over me in pity. This is NOT so that ANYONE will feel bad. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you in advance for respecting my bubble. ;)♥you guys

Ode to Tim Tebow

Dear Mr. Tim Tebow,

I would like to tell you that someone like me (someone that doesn't mean much to the world spinning around) is VERY proud of YOU!!! I don't care if you win the games... (though I LOVE it when the team does)... I care about how you handle yourself. I watched you when you played with Florida because I am a Gators fan. But, you grew on me. At the time, I was not a Christian in any sense of the word. Now that I am, I feel like you are a shining light in a darkened world. So, I will happily and loyally support you and defend you to those that are deceived into thinking that the game on the field is the only one that matters.

You are a stand up guy and I respect that. I wish you would come play for Tampa so I could actually see you in action with my own eyes... but if that is not possible, I will DVR the Sunday games and root you (and whatever team you play for) on.

Thank You Sir... for what you do but more for simply who you are.

Your Friend,

Rachel

And He Will

The New Year has brought a new found love of writing. I have been writing every single day. I have not published any of it publicly because some of it is incomplete thoughts and some of it is down-right too personal for me to expose.

I guess what I am learning is that it is ok to explore some of my emotions about certain subjects in my life. I didn't always think this way. I thought that maybe I should let some things in my life stay where they were... in the past. But, I have been looking at some things that have happened in the past and I have been able to feel real... RAW... deep emotion about it.

This is something that I am not accustomed to doing... but I think that in the big picture of it all... it is something that I should have done a long time ago.

Moral of the story? Be honest with you and how you feel and how you do not feel. After you get that out a bit... ask God to help you in the journey and He will.

No Worries

Ray

Can't Afford The Little Things

My daughter really wanted a book. The author was going to be at the school today to sign the books. But, since I do not make enough money, I was unable to purchase the book. I know that Olivia will love me no matter what... but I can't help but have tears in my eyes and know that I can't provide like I would like to for her. She doesn't get all the cool toys like everyone else... she doesn't get a dad like everyone else... she doesn't even have her own room or own bed-- (we still share)... and it is things like this that throw my emotions for a loop.

I do my best... but sometimes, a Walmart job that gives 32 hours MAX a week and pays $7.55 and hour is not enough. Oh how I hate that I cannot afford to give her the little wants in life...

This is just on my heart and mind today... forgive me.

No Worries

Ray

Untitled Poetry

This is an untitled poem I wrote on 11/09/11... I woke up with the first stanza in my head... about 5 minutes later, the poem was done. I haven't written poetry in a VERY long time... but it felt good to get this out on paper. Enjoy!

If there is a way
For me to show you Christ
It should mostly be shown
In how I live my life

The words that I speak
Are important, it's true
But the way I act is more...
And how I love you

If He cares for me
Even when I'm down
Then who am I to judge
Who He will turn around?

Oh be careful little lips
What you say-
For you will be judged harshly
On that day

The very intentions of my heart
He knows and sees
So create in me a clean heart
And I promise to always believe

He died for us
In a horrible manner
So that we could see
That love is His banner

If there is a way
For me to show you Christ
It should mostly be shown
In how I live my life

Dead Dog

Olivia was attacked by a dog today... not just ANY dog... MY OWN dog. I will be killing him today. Liv is doing better. It was an unprovoked attack. He bit her stomach, the top of her head, and drug her around by her hair.
God Himself was looking after my baby today... I KNOW it could have been worse. We just got back from the hospital... she had a Cat Scan done and has been put on antibiotics.
I love NO animal enough to spare it's life after such a display of stupidity.
Thank You Jesus for Your protection.
No Worries
Ray

Blogging on the go

I want to shoot out a quick blog that I am writing from a horizontal position. I am currently laying in bed. I didn't know that there was a Blogger App for the Droid OS! Oh happy day!
Now that I have discovered this handy-dandy app, I will assume that I will be running my poor battery down even more than I already do.
Ok kids, let's see if I can keep up with this again.
No Worries
Ray