And He Will

The New Year has brought a new found love of writing. I have been writing every single day. I have not published any of it publicly because some of it is incomplete thoughts and some of it is down-right too personal for me to expose.

I guess what I am learning is that it is ok to explore some of my emotions about certain subjects in my life. I didn't always think this way. I thought that maybe I should let some things in my life stay where they were... in the past. But, I have been looking at some things that have happened in the past and I have been able to feel real... RAW... deep emotion about it.

This is something that I am not accustomed to doing... but I think that in the big picture of it all... it is something that I should have done a long time ago.

Moral of the story? Be honest with you and how you feel and how you do not feel. After you get that out a bit... ask God to help you in the journey and He will.

No Worries

Ray

Can't Afford The Little Things

My daughter really wanted a book. The author was going to be at the school today to sign the books. But, since I do not make enough money, I was unable to purchase the book. I know that Olivia will love me no matter what... but I can't help but have tears in my eyes and know that I can't provide like I would like to for her. She doesn't get all the cool toys like everyone else... she doesn't get a dad like everyone else... she doesn't even have her own room or own bed-- (we still share)... and it is things like this that throw my emotions for a loop.

I do my best... but sometimes, a Walmart job that gives 32 hours MAX a week and pays $7.55 and hour is not enough. Oh how I hate that I cannot afford to give her the little wants in life...

This is just on my heart and mind today... forgive me.

No Worries

Ray

Untitled Poetry

This is an untitled poem I wrote on 11/09/11... I woke up with the first stanza in my head... about 5 minutes later, the poem was done. I haven't written poetry in a VERY long time... but it felt good to get this out on paper. Enjoy!

If there is a way
For me to show you Christ
It should mostly be shown
In how I live my life

The words that I speak
Are important, it's true
But the way I act is more...
And how I love you

If He cares for me
Even when I'm down
Then who am I to judge
Who He will turn around?

Oh be careful little lips
What you say-
For you will be judged harshly
On that day

The very intentions of my heart
He knows and sees
So create in me a clean heart
And I promise to always believe

He died for us
In a horrible manner
So that we could see
That love is His banner

If there is a way
For me to show you Christ
It should mostly be shown
In how I live my life

Dead Dog

Olivia was attacked by a dog today... not just ANY dog... MY OWN dog. I will be killing him today. Liv is doing better. It was an unprovoked attack. He bit her stomach, the top of her head, and drug her around by her hair.
God Himself was looking after my baby today... I KNOW it could have been worse. We just got back from the hospital... she had a Cat Scan done and has been put on antibiotics.
I love NO animal enough to spare it's life after such a display of stupidity.
Thank You Jesus for Your protection.
No Worries
Ray

Blogging on the go

I want to shoot out a quick blog that I am writing from a horizontal position. I am currently laying in bed. I didn't know that there was a Blogger App for the Droid OS! Oh happy day!
Now that I have discovered this handy-dandy app, I will assume that I will be running my poor battery down even more than I already do.
Ok kids, let's see if I can keep up with this again.
No Worries
Ray

If I Was As Mean As You

I have been thinking... and when I do that, I start writing. I have gotten so much bad feedback... I think I am just going to go ahead and quit living for God. I am going to go back to doing drugs, drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol, sleeping with random people, and just all around being an ignorant person. Whatcha think?

After writing that, I wonder if that is what people WANT me to do. The only part of that paragraph that is true is that I am getting TONS of negative feedback. I think of it this way... If you don't like it... then don't like it. I don't go onto people's Facebook and post things I don't like about their lifestyle... What do you think would happen if I left a couple messages like this.....

"Stop being a fake person... tell the world you have had an STD since high school!!"

"I don't think that your mom would be proud of you for giving yourself away for that crack!"

"You are mean to people because you can't deal with that fact that your husband left you for another man!"

See how rude that would be?? But, I can say this one thing... I did have a good time writing this one. I should start thinking more often!! I am not sorry that I gave my life to Christ. I am not sorry that I have a past. I am not sorry that I refuse to conform back to an everyday chaos. The only thing I AM sorry for is that it took me this long to figure out that in order to get myself together... was to become undone in the presence of my King.

No Worries

Ray

P.S. No hate mail please... I didn't say your name publicly... ;)

Arrogant People

I hate arrogance. When someone is full of themselves, I cringe. It is something that I truly cannot stand. So imagine my surprise when I figured out that I was the chief of the arrogant tribe! I shook my fleshly fist at an Almighty God. He didn't do what I would have done. I would have zapped me with a lightning bolt. I wouldn't be here if I was God. So, my question to myself was this... "Why am I trying to ACT like God?"

For those that read this, please understand that I never meant to act like this. I just became self-justified in my emotions. When you let your emotions rule what you say and how you act, you will eventually become an arrogant person.

I have found that I can not throw a little Jesus on my dysfunction and call it radical Christianity. I want to BE ok.. not just look ok.

So, on my old journey with new vision... bare with me... I am working hard to make HIM happy.

No Worries

Ray